Miriam Toews - Irma Voth

Oh no, I said.

It’s perfect, she said. But that was long after he had an affair with Simone de Beauvoir. She had fun fooling around with him in America but then she went back to Sartre who treated her like shit. And yet, she said, somehow she managed to inspire women to be free. I was nodding. Isn’t that ironic? she said.

Yes, I said. It really is.

One of my favourite books from when I was a young teenager is by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, said Noehmi. It’s called Wind, Sand and Stars . I’ll get it for you, Aggie. It changed my perception of the world. Aggie and I thanked her and Dupont a million times for their friendship and they said we would meet again, soon, maybe after exams, but that we should call any time if we needed anything.

DIOS CON NOSOTROS? said Aggie.

Yeah, I said.

So what? she said.

Just that, I said. I don’t want to fight about it.

We were sitting on a bench in the park in the centre of Condesa. Ximena was lying naked in the sunshine airing out. I had just given her a bottle and she was making little squeaking sounds. Lots of dogs were running around and there were some guys trying to teach them new things. They wanted the dogs to stand still and not run until they’d been given a signal but the dogs just ran whenever they felt like it. Some of the guys yelled at their dogs and smacked them and some of the guys were very patient and sighed discreetly.

I miss Oveja, said Aggie. We were waiting for Noehmi’s sister’s husband’s brother to return to work from his lunch break. His name was Hubertus. We were tired and hungry, the usual problems of waking life. I gave Aggie some money and sent her off to buy some tacos and juice from a stand nearby. Different types of people walked past me and I stared at them and tried to hear what they were saying to each other. I heard one woman gently tease her boyfriend about his pants. They were too short. But honey, she said, I understand. You can’t worry about the mathematical permutations of the ringing of the church bells and the length of your pants at the same time. It’s true, said the guy, something had to give. Then she laughed and they disappeared like dreams. An English-speaking couple walked past me and all I heard was: the quote artistic community close quotes … I watched them fade into the distance also. I took out my notebook to write some of these things down. I didn’t know what these fragments meant. I wanted to talk like them. I wanted to talk like other people. And then Aggie came back with the tacos and we ate together sitting on the bench with Ximena lying between us. Aggie passed me a taco and some of the stuff fell onto Ximena’s bare stomach and she pursed her lips like she wanted to kiss someone but her eyes were panicky and Aggie quickly licked it off her stomach before it could burn her.

Good hustle, I said.

What? she said.

That’s what my old volleyball coach in Canada used to say after a good dig.

What? said Aggie.

That’s what my old volleyball coach in Canada used to say after a good dig.

What are you—

I said that’s what my old volleyball coach in Canada used to say after a good dig!

Yeah, but—

Just never mind, I said.

We waited. We watched people and didn’t speak. Little bugs landed on Ximena and I blew them away. Then I asked Aggie what she was thinking about. She didn’t answer. I asked her again and she folded her arms across her chest and stared at something way off in the distance. Home? I said. She didn’t speak. I bet you’re missing that kid, Isaac, that boy with the blood disease. Didn’t you tell me that if he cut himself he’d bleed to death? Ximena wriggled in the sunshine and Aggie kept her mouth shut. That’s why you had a crush on him, right? I said. Because every little thing he did was like risking his life? I got a diaper out of the farmacia bag and put it on Ximena before she peed all over the bench. Aggie’s eyes were closed. Isn’t that what you said about him? Aggie? Didn’t he let you wear his MedicAlert bracelet for a couple of days?

Nothing, she said.

What’s nothing? I said.

You asked me what I was thinking about, she said. Stop talking to me. We waited some more. I thought about ways to cheer her up. Finally I saw Hubertus walking up the sidewalk and jingling a set of keys. He unlocked the front gate of the bed and breakfast. I told Aggie to watch Ximena and stay exactly where she was.

Seriously, Aggie, please, I said. I understand that your opinion of my words is that they are just words, and in so many ways but not in every way you are absolutely correct. I understand precisely how you would enjoy wielding your power in this situation by saying fuck that, fuck Irma and her bossiness, fuck this obedient little sister business, fuck all these cheesy little rules and regulations and getting up and wandering off and making me crazy with worry but I’m begging you now, like I have before, and like I will again, to stay put, to stay out of trouble and to not get lost. Your safety means everything to me, Aggie. Nothing is as important to me as your safety. Nothing. Please. I love you more than anything in this world, Aggie, and I can’t bear to lose you. I just can’t. The world would end. My world would end. Aggie, I’m begging you.

My words aren’t only words. They’re pictures and tears and imperfect offerings of love and self-inflicted shots to my brain. Please? Will you steadfastly remain on this very bench and not sell Ximena or in any way jeopardize your safety or hers? Will you promise to pull your knife on anyone wishing to mess with you or purchase your sister? Yes or no.

Tiny movements at the corners of Aggie’s mouth. She was an Olympian in self-control.

Aggie, I said. This is so important. I’m going now to find myself a job. This job, which I will find, will ensure that you and I have food to eat and a roof to protect us from the rain and the sun and walls to keep away bugs and kidnappers. If I don’t go right now I’ll miss my chance and all our hopes will die in the street and the rain will wash them into the gutter and then down into the sewer and then out into the ocean miles and miles and miles beneath the surface where there is not enough oxygen to spend any time retrieving them. They will be gone for—

Will you just go already? said Aggie. You could have had a job by now and already been paid like twice.

Okay, but will you? I said.

Will I what? she said.

Stay right here and don’t move?

Maybe, said Aggie.

Aggie! I said. For—

Yes! she said. Irma. God. Go already. You’re like Tante Greita.

Tante Greita was the name we’d given to our slowest cow, the one we loved the most but that needed to be smacked on the ass a lot.

Okay, but will you tie her to your body? I said.

Ximena? said Aggie.

Just in case you fall asleep or something, I said.

Aggie didn’t say anything. She got my old dress out of the farmacia bag and draped it around her shoulders. Then she picked up Ximena and held her to her chest with one hand and expertly wrapped the two ends of the dress around Ximena with her other hand. I smiled and thanked her and she nodded once, very dignified. Ximena’s head was up high, close to Aggie’s, and they were both looking off towards the park. I walked off towards the bed and breakfast and turned around to look at them. From a distance they looked like a two-headed monster. I waved, not expecting Aggie to notice, but she waved back. She was watching me too and my heart was overwhelmed with love.

Irma Voth, I said.

And you’ve just moved to Mexico City? said Hubertus. We had already established that it was because of Noehmi that I was there asking him for a job. We were sitting at a wrought iron table in a little courtyard belonging to the bed and breakfast. White curtains billowed out of open windows all around us and it felt like we were on a tall ship. There were bunches of flowers everywhere, white lilies that appeared to be opening as we spoke, and a few small trees and a thick green hose that snaked around and almost tripped me. My first instinct was to slice it in half with a machete. There was a narrow cement staircase that led up to a room with a red door and a balcony. I wanted to live there, in that room. A woman in high heels walked around sweeping up petals and two older men spoke German to each other in a corner. One of them told the other that to his knowledge there was no word for kindness in the German language and the other man laughed loudly and banged his hand on the table.