Wu Cheng-en - Journey to the West (vol. 2)

“That's all,” Monkey replied.

“But you've got three pounds of each of 808 different medicinal ingredients,” Pig said. “If all you're going to use is two ounces you've been making a fool of these people.”

Monkey then produced a patterned porcelain dish and said, “Stop talking, brothers. Take this dish and fill it half full with soot scraped from a cooking pot.”

“Whatever for?” Pig asked.

“I need it for the medicine,” Monkey replied. “I never heard of soot from a cooking pot being used in medicine,” said Friar Sand.

“It's called 'frost on the flowers,'“ said Monkey, “and it helps treat all kinds of illness. Didn't you know that?” The idiot then scraped off half a dishful and ground it up to a fine powder.

Monkey then handed him another dish and said, “Now fetch me half a dishful of our horse's piss.”

“What for?” Pig asked.

“To make the medicine up into pills with.” Monkey replied.

“Brother,” said Friar Sand with a smile, “this is no joking matter. Horse piss stinks. You can't use it in medicine. I've only seen vinegar paste, old rice paste, refined honey and clean water used for making pills. Who ever heard of horse piss used to make pills? It's got a terrible stink. Anyone with a weak spleen would throw up at the first sniff. If he goes on and takes the rhubarb and croton seeds he'll be vomiting at one end and having the runs at the other. That'll be no joke.”

“You don't know the inside story,” said Monkey. “That horse of ours is no ordinary horse. He used to be a dragon in the Western Ocean. If he'll give us some of his piss it'll cure any illness you could have. My only worry is that he might refuse.” When Pig heard this he went and stood beside the horse, who was lying down asleep. The idiot kicked the horse till he got to his feet then pressed himself against the horse's stomach for a very long time but without seeing any sign of piss. He ran back to Monkey to say, “Brother, never mind about treating the king. Hurry up and cure the horse. He's done for: he's dried right up. There's no way we're going to get a drop of piss out of him.”

“I'll go with you,” smiled Monkey.

“I'll come and have a look too,” said Friar Sand.

When the three of them reached the horse he started to jump about and shout in human language at the top of his voice, “How can you be so ignorant, brother? I used to be a flying dragon in the Western Ocean. The Bodhisattva Guanyin saved me after I'd offended against the Heavenly Code. She sawed off my horns, removed my scales and turned me into a horse to carry the master to the Western Heaven to fetch the scriptures. This way I'll be able to redeem my crimes. If I pissed into any river I was crossing the fish in the water would drink it and turn into dragons. The grass on any mountain we were going over that got a taste of it would become magic fungus for immortal boys to gather and give themselves eternal life. So of course I can't casually drop it in a vulgar, worldly place like this.”

“Watch your words, brother,” said Monkey. “This is the city of a Western king, not some vulgar, worldly place. You wouldn't be casually dropping it here. As the saying goes, many hands make light work. We've got to cure the king. When we do we'll all be covered in glory. If we fail I'm afraid we won't be able to leave this country with any credit.”

“Wait a moment,” the horse finally said. Look at him as he springs forward then squats back on his haunches, grinds his teeth noisily and only with the greatest strain manages to squeeze out a few drops before standing up again.

“What a deadbeat,” said Pig. “You could give us a few more even if they were drops of gold.”

Seeing that the dish was now about a third full Monkey said, “That'll do, that'll do. Take it away.” Only then did Friar Sand feel cheerful.

The three of them then returned to the main hall, mixed the piss with the ingredients that had already been prepared, and rolled the mixture into three large round balls. “They're too big, brothers,” said Monkey.

“They're only walnut-sized,” Pig replied. “That wouldn't be enough for a single mouthful if I were taking them.” The three disciples then put the pills into a large box and went to bed fully dressed.

It was soon dawn, and despite his sickness the king held court, asking the Tang Priest to come to see him and sending all his officials straight to the Hostel of Meeting to pay their respects to the holy monk, the Venerable Sun, and fetch the medicine.

When the officials reached the hostel they prostrated themselves before Brother Monkey with the words, “His Majesty has sent us to pay our respects and fetch the miraculous medicine.” Monkey told Pig to fetch the box, which he opened and handed to the officials.

“What is this medicine called?” they asked. “We would like to be able to inform His Majesty when we see him.”

“It's called Black Gold Elixir,” Monkey replied, at which Pig and Friar Sand had to hide their grins as they thought, “of course they're black gold-they were made with soot scraped off cooking pots.”

“What should be taken with the pills to guide them on their way?” the officials asked.

“There are two kinds of guide that can be taken with them,” Monkey replied. “One's easily got hold of. That is a decoction of six ingredients to be taken as a hot potion.”

“What six ingredients?” the officials asked.

“A fart from a flying crow,” Monkey replied, “piss from a carp in a fast-flowing stream, some of the face-powder used by the Queen Mother of the West, soot from elixir refined in Lord Lao's furnace, three pieces of a worn-out head cloth of the Jade Emperor's, and five whiskers from a trapped dragon's beard. A decoction of those six ingredients taken with the pills would clear up your king's illness straight away.”

When the officials heard this they replied, “Those are things that are not to be found in this world, so please tell us what the other guide is.”

“The pills should be taken with rootless water,” said Monkey.

“That's very easily got hold of,” smiled the officials.

“How can you be so sure?” Monkey asked.

“We have a saying here,” the officials replied, “that if you need rootless water you take a bowl or a dish to a well or a stream, fill it with water, and hurry back with it. Don't spill a drop, don't look behind you, and give it to the patient to take with the medicine.”

“But well water and stream water both have roots,” Monkey said. “The rootless water I'm talking about has to fall from the sky and be drunk before it touches the ground. Only then can it be called rootless.”

“That's easily got too,” the officials said. “The medicine shouldn't be taken till the next cloudy, wet day.”

The officials then kowtowed to thank Monkey and took the medicine back with them to present to the king, who delightedly ordered his attendants to bring it to him.

“What are these pills?” he asked when he saw them.

“The holy monk says they are Black Gold Elixir and have to be taken with rootless water,” the officials replied. The king then sent some of his palace women to fetch rootless water.

“The holy monk says that rootless water can't be got from wells or streams,” the officials said. “It has to be water that has come down from the sky and not yet touched the ground.” The king then ordered his aides to issue a decree inviting magicians to summon rain. The officials then issued a proclamation as the king had ordered.

Back in the hall of the Hostel of Meeting Brother Monkey said to Pig, “He must be given some rain now so he can take his medicine. This is very urgent. How are we going to get some? I reckon he's a very virtuous and worthy king, so why don't we help him get a little rainwater to take his medicine with?”