Марк Твен - Смешные рассказы [The Funny Stories]

It seemed a good time to look into the trunk business. I was too late. The concierge said he had shipped the trunks to Zurich the evening before. I asked him how he could do that without looking at passage tickets.

“Not necessary in Switzerland. You pay for your trunks and send them where you please. Nothing goes free but your hand-baggage.”

“How much did you pay on them?”

“A hundred and forty francs.”

“Twenty-eight dollars. There’s something wrong about that trunk business, sure.”

Next I met the porter. He said:

“You have not slept well, haven’t you? You have the worn look. If you need a courier, a good one has arrived last night, and is not engaged for five days already, by the name of Ludi. We recommend him; the hotel recommends him.”

I declined with coldness. My spirit was not broken yet.

I was at the county jail by 9 o’clock, hoping that the Mayor might chance to come before his regular hour; but he didn’t. It was boring to wait for him. Every time I offered to touch anything, or look at anything, or do anything, the policeman said it was forbidden. I thought I would practice my French on him, but he didn’t answer.

The Mayor came at last. Then there was no trouble. For the minute he had convened the Supreme Court, and my unsealed letter was brought and opened. There wasn’t anything in it but some photographs; because, as I remembered now, I had taken out the letter of credit so as to make room for the photographs, and had put the letter in my other pocket, which I proved to everybody’s satisfaction by fetching it out and showing it. So then the court looked at each other in a vacant kind of way, and then at me, and then at each other again, and finally let me go, but asked me what my profession was. I said I was a courier. They said, “Du lieber Gott!” [8] “Du lieber Gott!” — Боже мой! ( нем. ) and I said a word of thanks for their apparent admiration and hurried off to the bank.

However, I passed by the bank and started for the two lacking members of the Expedition. I took a cab but gained no speed by this. The week-long celebrations over the 600th anniversary of the birth of Swiss liberty and the Signing of the Compact took place in the town, and all the streets were in flags.

The horse and the driver had been drunk three days and nights, and had known no stall nor bed. But we arrived after all. I went in and asked a housemaid to rush out the lacking members. She said something which I did not understand. The girl had probably told me that those people did not belong on her floor, and that I had to go higher, and ring from floor to floor till I found them; for in those Swiss flats there does not seem to be any way to find the right family. I decided I needed time to think -

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. The intruder was a policeman. There was a crowd around, and they had that pleased and interested look which such a crowd wears when they see that somebody is out of luck. The horse was asleep, and so was the driver, and some boys had hung them and me full of decorations stolen from the innumerable banner-poles. It was a scandalous spectacle. The officer said:

“I’m sorry, but we can’t have you sleeping here all day.”

“I beg your pardon, I was not sleeping; I was thinking.”

“Well, you can think if you want to, but you’ve got to think to yourself; you disturb the whole neighborhood.”

It made the crowd laugh. I snore at night sometimes, but it is not likely that I would do such a thing in the daytime and in such a place. The officer undecorated us, and seemed sorry for our friendlessness, but he said we mustn’t stop there any longer.

“What is it you are waiting here for so long?”

I told him who I was waiting for.

The policeman began to shout inquiries to the heads from the windows above us. Then a woman sang out:

“O, they? Why, I got them a cab and they left here long ago — half past eight, I should say.”

It was annoying. I glanced at my watch, but didn’t say anything. The officer said:

“It is a quarter of 12, you see. You should have inquired better. You have been asleep three-quarters of an hour, and in such a sun as this. You are baked — baked black. It is wonderful. And you will miss your train, perhaps. You interest me greatly. What is your occupation?”

I said I was a courier. It seemed to stun him, and before he could come to we were gone.

When I arrived in the third story of the hotel I found our quarters vacant. I was not surprised. The moment a courier takes his eye off his tribe they go shopping. The nearer it is to train-time the surer they are to go. I sat down to try and think out what I had best do next. Presently the hall boy found me there, and said the Expedition had gone to the station half an hour before. It was the first time I had known them to do a rational thing, and it was very confusing.

The train was to leave at 12 noon sharp. It was now ten minutes after 12. I could be at the station in ten minutes. My people were the only ones remaining in the waiting-room; everybody else had “mounted the train,” as they say in those regions. They were exhausted with nervousness, but I comforted them and we made our rush.

But no; we were out of luck again. The doorkeeper was not satisfied with the tickets. He examined them cautiously, suspiciously; then glared at me a while, and after that he called another official. The two examined the tickets and called another official. These called others, and the convention discussed and discussed, and gesticulated and carried on. Then they said very courteously that there was a defect in the tickets, and asked me where I got them.

I saw what the trouble was now. You see, I had bought the tickets in a cigar shop, and, of course, the tobacco smell was on them. Without doubt, the thing they were up to collect duty on that smell. So I decided to be perfectly frank; it is sometimes the best way. I said:

“Gentlemen, I will not deceive you. These railway tickets — ”

“Ah, pardon, monsieur! These are not railway tickets.”

“O,” I said, “is that the defect?”

“Ah, truly yes, monsieur. These are lottery tickets, yes; and it is a lottery which took place two years ago.”

I tried to look greatly amused; it is all one can do in such circumstances. However, it deceives nobody, and you can see that everybody around pities you and is ashamed of you. One of the hardest situations in life, I think, is to be full of grief and a sense of defeat, and yet have to put on gaiety.

I said, cheerily, it was all right, just one of those little accidents that was likely to happen to anybody — I would have the right tickets in two minutes, and we would catch the train yet, and, moreover, have something to laugh about all through the journey. I did get the tickets in time, all stamped and complete, but then it turned out that I couldn’t take them because I had forgotten about the bank and didn’t have the money. So then the train left, and there didn’t seem to be anything to do but go back to the hotel, which we did.

We had lost our good rooms, but we got some others. I judged things would brighten now, but the Head of the Expedition said, “Send up the trunks.” [9] Send up the trunks. — Велите принести в номера наши чемоданы! It made me feel pretty cold. There was a doubtful something about that trunk business. I was almost sure of it.

Now I was informed that we would now stay here for three days and see if we could rest up.

I said all right; I would go down and attend to the trunks myself. I got a cab and went straight to Mr. Charles Natural’s place, and asked what order it was I had left there.

“To send seven trunks to the hotel.”