Марк Твен - Смешные рассказы [The Funny Stories]

Next I found the bank and asked for some money, but I had left my letter of credit somewhere and was not able to draw. I remembered now that I must have left it lying on the table where I wrote my telegram; so I got a cab and drove to the post office and went upstairs. They said that a letter of credit had indeed been left on the table, but that it was now in the hands of the police authorities. So it would be necessary for me to go there and prove property. They sent a boy with me, and we went out the back way and walked a couple of miles and found the place. And then I remembered about my cabs, and asked the boy to send them to me when he got back to the post office. Then I was told that the Mayor had gone to dinner. I thought I would go to dinner myself, but the officer on duty thought differently, and I stayed.

The Mayor returned at half past 10, but said it was too late to do anything — come at 9.30 in the morning. The officer wanted to keep me all night, and said I was a suspicious-looking person, and probably did not own the letter of credit, and didn’t know what a letter of credit was, but merely wanted to get it because I was probably a person that would want anything he could get, whether it was valuable or not. But the Mayor said he saw nothing suspicious about me. So I thanked him and he set me free, and I went home in my three cabs.

As I was awfully tired and in no condition to answer questions. I thought I would not disturb the Expedition at that time of night. There was a vacant room I knew of at the other end of the hall. But a watch had been set, the Expedition had been anxious about me. The Expedition sat on four chairs in a row, with shawls and things all on, satchels and guide-books in lap. They had been sitting like that for four hours. Yes, and they were waiting — waiting for me.

I tried to touch their hearts and soften the bitter resentment in those faces by making of the whole ghastly thing a humorous incident, but it was not the right atmosphere for it. I got not one smile; not one line in those offended faces relaxed. The head of the Expedition said:

“Where have you been? Where are the two others?”

“Oh, they’re all right. I was to fetch a cab. I will go straight off, and — “

“Sit down! Don’t you know it is 11 o’clock? Where did you leave them?”

“At the pension.”

“Why didn’t you bring them?”

“Because we couldn’t carry the satchels. And so I thought — ”

“Thought! You should not try to think. One cannot think without the proper machinery. It is two miles to that pension. Did you go there without a cab?”

“I — well, I didn’t intend to; it only happened so.”

“How did it happen so?”

“Because I was at the post office and I remembered that I had left a cab waiting here, and so I sent another cab to — to — ”

“To what?”

“Well, I don’t remember now, but I think the new cab was to ask the hotel to pay the old cab, and send it away.”

“And who was to pay the new cab?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Why didn’t you have the new cab come back for you?”

“Oh, that is what I did. I remember now. Yes, that is what I did. Because I remember that when I — ”

“Well, then, why didn’t it come back for you?”

“To the post office? Why, it did.”

“Very well, then, why did you walk to the pension?”

“I–I don’t quite remember how that happened — Oh, yes, I wrote the despatch to send to the Netherlands, and — ”

“Oh, thank goodness, you did accomplish something! I — what makes you look like that! You are trying to avoid my eye. That despatch is the most important thing that — You haven’t sent that despatch!”

“I haven’t said I didn’t send it.”

“You don’t need to. Oh, dear, why didn’t you send it?”

“Well, you see, with so many things to do and think of, I — they’re very particular there, and after I had written the telegram — ”

“Oh, never mind, let it go, explanations can’t help anyone now — what will he think of us?”

“Oh, that’s all right, that’s all right, he’ll think we gave the telegram to the hotel people, and that they — ”

“Why, certainly! Why didn’t you do that?”

“Yes, I know, but then I had it on my mind that I must get to the bank and draw some money — “

“How much did you draw?”

“Well, I–I had an idea that — that — ”

“Do turn your face this way and let me — why, you haven’t drawn any money!”

“Well, the banker said — “

“Never mind what the banker said — ”

“Well, then, the simple fact was that I hadn’t my letter of credit.”

“Hadn’t your letter of credit?”

“Hadn’t my letter of credit.”

“Don’t repeat me like that. Where was it?”

“At the post office.”

“What was it doing there?”

“Well, I forgot it and left it there.”

“I’ve seen a good many couriers, but of all the couriers that ever I — ”

“I’ve done the best I could.”

“Well, so you have, poor thing. It will all come out right. We can take the 7:30 train in the morning just as well. You’ve bought the tickets?”

“I have — and it’s a bargain, too. Second class.”

“I’m glad of it. What did you pay?”

“Twenty-two dollars a ticket — through to Bayreuth.”

“Why, I didn’t know you could buy through tickets anywhere but in London and Paris.”

“Some people can’t, maybe; but some people can — ”

“It seems a rather high price — We shall have to get up pretty early, and so there should be no packing to do. Your umbrella, your rubbers, your cigars — what is the matter?”

“I’ve left the cigars at the bank.”

“Just think of it! Well, your umbrella?”

“I’ll have that all right. There’s no hurry.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, that’s all right; I’ll take care of — ”

“Where is that umbrella?”

“Well, I think I left it at the cigar shop; but anyway — “

“Take your feet out from under that thing. It’s just as I expected! Where are your rubbers?”

“They — well — ”

“Where are your rubbers?”

“Well, you see — well, it was this way. First, the officer said — ”

“What officer?”

“Police officer but the Mayor, he — ”

“Wait. What is the matter with you?”

“Who, me? Nothing. They both tried to persuade me to stay, and — ”

“Stay where?”

“Well, the fact is — ”

“Where have you been? What’s kept you out till half past 10 at night?”

“O, you see, after I lost my letter of credit, I — ”

“Answer the question in just one straightforward word. Where are those rubbers?”

“They — well, they’re in the county jail.”

I tried to smile, but the climate was unsuitable. Spending three or four hours in jail did not seem to the Expedition humorous.

I had to explain the whole thing, and, of course, it came out then that we couldn’t take the early train, because that would leave my letter of credit in the jail.

Then there happened to be mention of the trunks, and I was able to say I had attended to that feature.

“There, you are just as good and thoughtful and intelligent as you can be, and it’s a shame to find so much fault with you. I’m sorry I ever said one ungrateful word to you.”

This made me uncomfortable, because I wasn’t feeling as solid about that trunk errand as I wanted to. There seemed somehow to be a defect about it somewhere.

Of course there was music in the morning, when it was found that we couldn’t leave by the early train. But I had no time to wait; I started out to get my letter of credit.