Charles Dickens - Sketches by Boz

“Delightful! you never looked so handsome,” returned the belle, adjusting her own dress, and not bestowing a glance on her poor companion.

“I hope young Hilton will come early,” said another young lady to Miss somebody else, in a fever of expectation.

“I'm sure he'd be highly flattered if he knew it,” returned the other, who was practising L'ETE.

“Oh! he's so handsome,” said the first.

“Such a charming person!” added a second.

“Such a DISTINGUE air!” said a third.

“Oh, what DO you think?” said another girl, running into the room; “Miss Crumpton says her cousin's coming.”

“What! Theodosius Butler?” said everybody in raptures.

“Is HE handsome?” inquired a novice.

“No, not particularly handsome,” was the general reply; “but, oh, so clever!”

Mr. Theodosius Butler was one of those immortal geniuses who are to be met with in almost every circle. They have, usually, very deep, monotonous voices. They always persuade themselves that they are wonderful persons, and that they ought to be very miserable, though they don't precisely know why. They are very conceited, and usually possess half an idea; but, with enthusiastic young ladies, and silly young gentlemen, they are very wonderful persons. The individual in question, Mr. Theodosius, had written a pamphlet containing some very weighty considerations on the expediency of doing something or other; and as every sentence contained a good many words of four syllables, his admirers took it for granted that he meant a good deal.

“Perhaps that's he,” exclaimed several young ladies, as the first pull of the evening threatened destruction to the bell of the gate.

An awful pause ensued. Some boxes arrived and a young lady—Miss Brook Dingwall, in full ball costume, with an immense gold chain round her neck, and her dress looped up with a single rose; an ivory fan in her hand, and a most interesting expression of despair in her face.

The Miss Crumptons inquired after the family, with the most excruciating anxiety, and Miss Brook Dingwall was formally introduced to her future companions. The Miss Crumptons conversed with the young ladies in the most mellifluous tones, in order that Miss Brook Dingwall might be properly impressed with their amiable treatment.

Another pull at the bell. Mr. Dadson the writing-master, and his wife. The wife in green silk, with shoes and cap-trimmings to correspond: the writing-master in a white waistcoat, black kneeshorts, and ditto silk stockings, displaying a leg large enough for two writing-masters. The young ladies whispered one another, and the writing-master and his wife flattered the Miss Crumptons, who were dressed in amber, with long sashes, like dolls.

Repeated pulls at the bell, and arrivals too numerous to particularise: papas and mammas, and aunts and uncles, the owners and guardians of the different pupils; the singing-master, Signor Lobskini, in a black wig; the piano-forte player and the violins; the harp, in a state of intoxication; and some twenty young men, who stood near the door, and talked to one another, occasionally bursting into a giggle. A general hum of conversation. Coffee handed round, and plentifully partaken of by fat mammas, who looked like the stout people who come on in pantomimes for the sole purpose of being knocked down.

The popular Mr. Hilton was the next arrival; and he having, at the request of the Miss Crumptons, undertaken the office of Master of the Ceremonies, the quadrilles commenced with considerable spirit. The young men by the door gradually advanced into the middle of the room, and in time became sufficiently at ease to consent to be introduced to partners. The writing-master danced every set, springing about with the most fearful agility, and his wife played a rubber in the back-parlour—a little room with five bookshelves, dignified by the name of the study. Setting her down to whist was a half-yearly piece of generalship on the part of the Miss Crumptons; it was necessary to hide her somewhere, on account of her being a fright.

The interesting Lavinia Brook Dingwall was the only girl present, who appeared to take no interest in the proceedings of the evening. In vain was she solicited to dance; in vain was the universal homage paid to her as the daughter of a member of parliament. She was equally unmoved by the splendid tenor of the inimitable Lobskini, and the brilliant execution of Miss Laetitia Parsons, whose performance of “The Recollections of Ireland” was universally declared to be almost equal to that of Moscheles himself. Not even the announcement of the arrival of Mr. Theodosius Butler could induce her to leave the corner of the back drawing-room in which she was seated.

“Now, Theodosius,” said Miss Maria Crumpton, after that enlightened pamphleteer had nearly run the gauntlet of the whole company, “I must introduce you to our new pupil.”

Theodosius looked as if he cared for nothing earthly.

“She's the daughter of a member of parliament,” said Maria.—Theodosius started.

“And her name is—?” he inquired.

“Miss Brook Dingwall.”

“Great Heaven!” poetically exclaimed Theodosius, in a low tone.

Miss Crumpton commenced the introduction in due form. Miss Brook Dingwall languidly raised her head.

“Edward!” she exclaimed, with a half-shriek, on seeing the wellknown nankeen legs.

Fortunately, as Miss Maria Crumpton possessed no remarkable share of penetration, and as it was one of the diplomatic arrangements that no attention was to be paid to Miss Lavinia's incoherent exclamations, she was perfectly unconscious of the mutual agitation of the parties; and therefore, seeing that the offer of his hand for the next quadrille was accepted, she left him by the side of Miss Brook Dingwall.

“Oh, Edward!” exclaimed that most romantic of all romantic young ladies, as the light of science seated himself beside her, “Oh, Edward, is it you?”

Mr. Theodosius assured the dear creature, in the most impassioned manner, that he was not conscious of being anybody but himself.

“Then why—why—this disguise? Oh! Edward M'Neville Walter, what have I not suffered on your account?”

“Lavinia, hear me,” replied the hero, in his most poetic strain. “Do not condemn me unheard. If anything that emanates from the soul of such a wretch as I, can occupy a place in your recollection—if any being, so vile, deserve your notice—you may remember that I once published a pamphlet (and paid for its publication) entitled “Considerations on the Policy of Removing the Duty on Bees'-wax. ”

“I do—I do!” sobbed Lavinia.

“That,” continued the lover, “was a subject to which your father was devoted heart and soul.”

“He was—he was!” reiterated the sentimentalist.

“I knew it,” continued Theodosius, tragically; “I knew it—I forwarded him a copy. He wished to know me. Could I disclose my real name? Never! No, I assumed that name which you have so often pronounced in tones of endearment. As M'Neville Walter, I devoted myself to the stirring cause; as M'Neville Walter I gained your heart; in the same character I was ejected from your house by your father's domestics; and in no character at all have I since been enabled to see you. We now meet again, and I proudly own that I am—Theodosius Butler.”

The young lady appeared perfectly satisfied with this argumentative address, and bestowed a look of the most ardent affection on the immortal advocate of bees'-wax.

“May I hope,” said he, “that the promise your father's violent behaviour interrupted, may be renewed?”

“Let us join this set,” replied Lavinia, coquettishly—for girls of nineteen CAN coquette.

“No,” ejaculated he of the nankeens. “I stir not from this spot, writhing under this torture of suspense. May I—may I—hope?”