Charles Dickens - Sketches by Boz

“Julia, my love,” said Mrs. Maplesone to her youngest daughter, in a tone loud enough for the remainder of the company to hear—“Julia.”

“Yes, Ma.”

“Don't stoop. “—This was said for the purpose of directing general attention to Miss Julia's figure, which was undeniable. Everybody looked at her, accordingly, and there was another pause.

“We had the most uncivil hackney-coachman to-day, you can imagine,” said Mrs. Maplesone to Mrs. Tibbs, in a confidential tone.

“Dear me!” replied the hostess, with an air of great commiseration. She couldn't say more, for the servant again appeared at the door, and commenced telegraphing most earnestly to her “Missis.”

“I think hackney-coachmen generally ARE uncivil,” said Mr. Hicks in his most insinuating tone.

“Positively I think they are,” replied Mrs. Maplesone, as if the idea had never struck her before.

“And cabmen, too,” said Mr. Simpson. This remark was a failure, for no one intimated, by word or sign, the slightest knowledge of the manners and customs of cabmen.

“Robinson, what DO you want?” said Mrs. Tibbs to the servant, who, by way of making her presence known to her mistress, had been giving sundry hems and sniffs outside the door during the preceding five minutes.

“Please, ma'am, master wants his clean things,” replied the servant, taken off her guard. The two young men turned their faces to the window, and “went off” like a couple of bottles of gingerbeer; the ladies put their handkerchiefs to their mouths; and little Mrs. Tibbs bustled out of the room to give Tibbs his clean linen,—and the servant warning.

Mr. Calton, the remaining boarder, shortly afterwards made his appearance, and proved a surprising promoter of the conversation. Mr. Calton was a superannuated beau—an old boy. He used to say of himself that although his features were not regularly handsome, they were striking. They certainly were. It was impossible to look at his face without being reminded of a chubby street-door knocker, half-lion half-monkey; and the comparison might be extended to his whole character and conversation. He had stood still, while everything else had been moving. He never originated a conversation, or started an idea; but if any commonplace topic were broached, or, to pursue the comparison, if anybody LIFTED HIM UP, he would hammer away with surprising rapidity. He had the ticdouloureux occasionally, and then he might be said to be muffled, because he did not make quite as much noise as at other times, when he would go on prosing, rat-tat-tat the same thing over and over again. He had never been married; but he was still on the look-out for a wife with money. He had a life interest worth about 300L. a year—he was exceedingly vain, and inordinately selfish. He had acquired the reputation of being the very pink of politeness, and he walked round the park, and up Regent-street, every day.

This respectable personage had made up his mind to render himself exceedingly agreeable to Mrs. Maplesone—indeed, the desire of being as amiable as possible extended itself to the whole party; Mrs. Tibbs having considered it an admirable little bit of management to represent to the gentlemen that she had SOME reason to believe the ladies were fortunes, and to hint to the ladies, that all the gentlemen were “eligible.” A little flirtation, she thought, might keep her house full, without leading to any other result.

Mrs. Maplesone was an enterprising widow of about fifty: shrewd, scheming, and good-looking. She was amiably anxious on behalf of her daughters; in proof whereof she used to remark, that she would have no objection to marry again, if it would benefit her dear girls—she could have no other motive. The “dear girls” themselves were not at all insensible to the merits of “a good establishment.” One of them was twenty-five; the other, three years younger. They had been at different watering-places, for four seasons; they had gambled at libraries, read books in balconies, sold at fancy fairs, danced at assemblies, talked sentiment—in short, they had done all that industrious girls could do—but, as yet, to no purpose.

“What a magnificent dresser Mr. Simpson is!” whispered Matilda Maplesone to her sister Julia.

“Splendid!” returned the youngest. The magnificent individual alluded to wore a maroon-coloured dress-coat, with a velvet collar and cuffs of the same tint—very like that which usually invests the form of the distinguished unknown who condescends to play the “swell” in the pantomime at “Richardson's Show.”

“What whiskers!” said Miss Julia.

“Charming!” responded her sister; “and what hair!” His hair was like a wig, and distinguished by that insinuating wave which graces the shining locks of those CHEF-D'OEUVRES of art surmounting the waxen images in Bartellot's window in Regent-street; his whiskers meeting beneath his chin, seemed strings wherewith to tie it on, ere science had rendered them unnecessary by her patent invisible springs.

“Dinner's on the table, ma'am, if you please,” said the boy, who now appeared for the first time, in a revived black coat of his master's.

“Oh! Mr. Calton, will you lead Mrs. Maplesone?—Thank you.” Mr. Simpson offered his arm to Miss Julia; Mr. Septimus Hicks escorted the lovely Matilda; and the procession proceeded to the diningroom. Mr. Tibbs was introduced, and Mr. Tibbs bobbed up and down to the three ladies like a figure in a Dutch clock, with a powerful spring in the middle of his body, and then dived rapidly into his seat at the bottom of the table, delighted to screen himself behind a soup-tureen, which he could just see over, and that was all. The boarders were seated, a lady and gentleman alternately, like the layers of bread and meat in a plate of sandwiches; and then Mrs. Tibbs directed James to take off the covers. Salmon, lobstersauce, giblet-soup, and the usual accompaniments were discovered: potatoes like petrifactions, and bits of toasted bread, the shape and size of blank dice.

“Soup for Mrs. Maplesone, my dear,” said the bustling Mrs. Tibbs. She always called her husband “my dear” before company. Tibbs, who had been eating his bread, and calculating how long it would be before he should get any fish, helped the soup in a hurry, made a small island on the table-cloth, and put his glass upon it, to hide it from his wife.

“Miss Julia, shall I assist you to some fish?”

“If you please—very little—oh! plenty, thank you” (a bit about the size of a walnut put upon the plate).

“Julia is a VERY little eater,” said Mrs. Maplesone to Mr. Calton.

The knocker gave a single rap. He was busy eating the fish with his eyes: so he only ejaculated, “Ah!”

“My dear,” said Mrs. Tibbs to her spouse after every one else had been helped, “what do YOU take?” The inquiry was accompanied with a look intimating that he mustn't say fish, because there was not much left. Tibbs thought the frown referred to the island on the table-cloth; he therefore coolly replied, “Why—I'll take a little—fish, I think.”

“Did you say fish, my dear?” (another frown).

“Yes, dear,” replied the villain, with an expression of acute hunger depicted in his countenance. The tears almost started to Mrs. Tibbs's eyes, as she helped her “wretch of a husband,” as she inwardly called him, to the last eatable bit of salmon on the dish.

“James, take this to your master, and take away your master's knife.” This was deliberate revenge, as Tibbs never could eat fish without one. He was, however, constrained to chase small particles of salmon round and round his plate with a piece of bread and a fork, the number of successful attempts being about one in seventeen.

“Take away, James,” said Mrs. Tibbs, as Tibbs swallowed the fourth mouthful—and away went the plates like lightning.