Ever Dundas - Goblin

‘I told Aleksy your name many times, but he still insists on calling you my “criminal daughter”. You’d like him – mischievous, with a gift of the gab, just like you. He told me yesterday that the hotel owner is overcharging me just because he knows I have nowhere else to go. He said I should come stay with his family, said he wouldn’t charge me a penny. I told him I didn’t want to impose, but he was adamant, said I’d be doing him a favour because he has a long-running feud with the hotel owner and would get a lot of satisfaction to be taking away his custom. How can I resist an invitation like that?’

She was laughing, but I just stared at my hands.

‘G? You okay?’

‘Mum, I’m glad you have friends,’ I said, looking up at her, trying not to cry like some baby. ‘You’ve put your life on hold because of me.’

She didn’t respond for a moment, just stared at me, her lips pursed.

‘Goblin, my life isn’t on hold. You’re part of my life. And I choose to be here.’

‘I know, I just… I dunno. I just want you to know I’m sorry.’

‘G, there’s nothing to be sorry about. You did the right thing.’

She held my hand.

‘I’m still sorry—’

‘Nie!’ the policeman yelled and I jumped at the sudden intrusion, yanking my hand away like I’d been shocked. ‘Nie dotykać.’

Mum had a short talk with him before turning back to me and rolling her eyes.

‘What did he say?’

‘He said we have to obey the rules or visitor privileges will be taken away.’

‘Why can’t we touch?’

‘He said we could be exchanging contraband.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘It’s just power, that’s all. That’s all it’s ever about, isn’t it? Power and money.’

I fiddled with the edges of a book and said, ‘Mum?’

‘Mm-hm?’

‘I never thanked you and dad for taking me in.’

She huffed and said, ‘G, c’mon, you’re our family. Simple as that.’

She reached for my hand again, but stopped herself and glanced over at the policeman who was glowering at us. She smiled, shook her head and raised her hands in mock surrender. The policeman grunted.

She looked at me for a moment then said, ‘Goblin, what happened to your old family?’

It tripped off my tongue before I could even think how to reply, ‘Pa was killed by Nazis, ma became a mermaid, and David went to the sea to be a pirate.’

I stared back at her and blushed, realising how childish it sounded.

‘What really happened?’

‘Pa died in the war. I don’t know how. Ma drowned herself in the Thames. David disappeared. I think he went to the sea – that was his plan.’

Mum nodded.

‘What were they like?’

I shrugged and said, ‘Pa hardly spoke to me, but we fixed things together – neighbours always came to us with their wireless. I liked working with him.’ I picked at the cover of the book, peeling it away at the edge. ‘Ma hated me.’

‘What?’

‘She said I should never have been born.’

Mum put her hand over her mouth.

‘Why would she say that?’

‘She said I was born blue and I was so ugly I killed the midwife. She called me Goblin-runt. David looked out for me, though. I had him, my dog Devil and my friends Mac and Stevie.’

Her hand still across her mouth, she said, ‘I’m glad you had some people who cared about you.’

‘And Devil.’

‘And Devil. What happened to him?’

I was silent for a moment and said, ‘Mum? Can we talk about something else? Or you can read me a letter if there’s any? Or more Saki?’

‘Of course, I’m sorry,’ she said and picked up her bag. ‘I have a letter from your dad.’

As she rummaged in her bag I said, ‘Maybe I can talk about all that some other time.’

‘Whenever you’re ready,’ she said.

Shortly after that visit, mum moved in with Aleksy and his family. She’d update me on the feud with the hotel owner and tell me about Aleksy’s kids. She helped look after them and taught them acrobatics. She stayed fit, with a daily regime of exercise and practice. She told me she’d rigged up a swing between two trees by a river just outside of town and the children took picnics and they’d watch her fly. Mum seemed happy, so I no longer felt guilty about her staying. I no longer thought of the dog or the old man. I simply enjoyed my time with mum – with no circus distractions I had her all to myself. She was soon bringing bread and biscuits every day, a gift for her ‘córka kryminalistka’, freshly baked by Anastazja, Aleksy’s wife. The policemen made a fuss at first, but when she gave some to them, they let it pass. It wasn’t long before the bureaucrat was turning the other way when we held hands or even hugged.

We settled into the routine, waiting for the day I’d be free and we could go back to the circus. Instead, the day came when mum didn’t return.

I asked about her, but the policemen pretended they didn’t know what I meant. They spoke English when it suited them and when it didn’t they’d say they didn’t understand me, they’d pretend they couldn’t find the words.

I knew some basics – I’d asked to learn ‘bastard’, ‘son of a bitch’ and ‘fuck you’ but mum had just laughed and taught me niceties like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

‘Where’s the lady?’ I said. ‘My mother?’

They frowned at me.

‘Pani?’ I tried. ‘Szalona – moja matka. Gdzie?’

They shrugged and shook their heads saying something in Polish I didn’t understand. I needed her to translate, but she was gone. Two days passed and Aleksy and Anastazja came by, but I couldn’t understand them and they couldn’t understand me and the policemen were amused by our failed communication. They gave up trying to speak to me and had a long discussion with two of the policeman, who glanced at me now and again. The conversation became heated and Aleksy shouted at them before leaving, dragging Anastazja with him.

Aleksy and Anastazja stopped by to see me every day. We didn’t speak, but they’d sit with me and Anastazja would sing. They continued to bring me food but I barely ate.

Almost three weeks had passed with no news of mum. I was with Aleksy, sitting side by side in silence when dad walked into the police station and I felt the bars fall away. I thought of when dad first found me and the Lizard King, of the time he held my bloody arm, of our last hug when he left. I waited as the bureaucrat let him into my cell, Aleksy giving him a nod as he left. I waited for my dad to hold me in his arms.

He removed his hat, sweeping his hair from his face. He was pale, his eyes pink and bloodshot.

‘She’s dead,’ he said.

My legs buckled, but before I fell he pushed me and I stumbled back, knocking my pile of books, hitting the wall, crumpling, falling to the floor. As I made to get up, his hand was around my throat, his knee pressing on my chest. Everything was muted; just a buzzing in my ears. I felt the weight of him crushing me, and looked into his eyes. He was crying, his tears falling onto my face. I saw Aleksy and the bureaucrat grabbing at him. Their mouths were moving but I couldn’t hear them. The bureaucrat had his arm around dad’s neck, pulling him off me. I heaved in air and blacked out.

When I woke I didn’t remember what had happened, not at first. And when I did, nothing was worth anything anymore. I spent my days sleeping in my cell. Aleksy and Anastazja came by. They brought me bread, but didn’t stay. I didn’t eat so the policemen took it.

Tim visited, with Ania in tow to translate. He told me mum had been found in the river, tied up in her makeshift swing.

‘They’re insisting it’s an accident. James is enlisting legal help from the UK.’