Ever Dundas - Goblin

‘What do you remember?’

‘Cinema tickets. Devil. Scrumping with Mac and Stevie.’

‘You can stay here, you know. You can stay here as long as you need.’

‘I have a hotel.’

‘We’ll go today and pick up your things. You’re staying.’

‘It’s not just me. There’s Red Queen, a ginger cat I found. I shouldn’t have left her alone all night.’

‘You can stay. You and your strays. You can all stay.’

We go to the hotel to get my things, to get Red Queen, and there’s Ben, Sam and Mahler at reception. Mahler runs to me and I kneel, letting him slobber all over me as I breathe in his smell and ruffle his ears. Sam joins in and there I am, bowled over on the hotel floor.

‘Yer hard to pin down, old lady.’

‘What are you doing here?’

‘I wis worried about ye,’ Ben says, eyeing Tim. ‘But maybe I didnae need to.’

‘It’s good to see you,’ I say, extricating myself from the dogs.

I hug Ben, holding him tight, then introduce him to Tim. Ben, Tim and the dogs sit together and I watch them from the reception desk, trying to hear what they’re discussing.

There’s a message for me from Detective Curtis asking me to call back. I go up to my room, feed Red Queen, and I call him. He tells me they’ve found human remains amongst the pet bones.

‘I want you to tell me your story, Goblin.’

‘Mac told you.’

‘I need to hear what you have to say.’

‘I don’t have anything to say,’ I say, petting Red Queen.

‘Goblin, I know it’s a shock. You take some time, okay? But I’ll be in touch. We’ll need to talk this through eventually.’

I give him Tim’s number and when I hang up, the phone rings.

‘Detective?’

‘You lied to me.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘You said you had nothing to hide.’

‘Who is this?’

‘They found human remains in the pet pit. It was murder. Was it you? Did you kill someone?’

I say nothing.

‘I know your real name.’

I sigh, realising who it is.

‘It’s not real,’ I say to Linda. ‘I’m Goblin through and through.’

I hang up.

We all pile into the kitchen and I feed the dogs and Red Queen as Tim makes tea. Red Queen is first to finish her food and goes over to sniff Mahler and Sam. I watch her, ready to snatch her up if it looks like a fight will break out, but they just sniff her too before going back to their food.

‘I hope ye dinnae mind, old lady. I know ye said ye wanted Mahler to be safe, but the riots are over and he wis missing ye like crazy.’

‘Don’t worry. I’m glad you’re all here,’ I say. ‘I really am. No tea for me,’ I say to Tim before turning back to Ben. ‘I’m sorry, Ben, but I’m tired. We’ll catch up later, okay?’

‘That’s alright. Get some rest.’

I scoop up Red Queen in one hand, dragging my bag in the other, and retreat to Tim’s room. Mahler follows me through. I get into bed, pull the covers over me, trying to block out Detective Curtis, Linda Cartwright, the discovery of the ‘remains’. Red Queen pads around on me, turning in circles until she’s comfy and settles. Mahler jumps up, sniffs at Red Queen who ignores him, then settles down next to me, his head on the pillow. We sleep away the morning and when I get up I pull my typewriter out of my bag, setting it up on Tim’s desk.

Belgium, West Germany, Poland, 1966 – 1967

Despite the piss and shit, I enjoyed spending time with the animals. I hadn’t helped much with the camels before, so there were many times I ended up pushed, kicked and spat at before I got to know them. There were five of them, all named after Colin’s ex-girlfriends; Veronique, Julia, Mary, Betsy and Lou. Veronique was the most friendly, Julia had a habit of spitting at people. Mary, Betsy and Lou liked some attention but were mostly only interested in people for food. I loved the feel of them, the smell of them. I felt safe. When I returned to clowning and Freaks and Wonders I continued to visit the camels every evening when my work was done. I’d sit by candlelight and read them stories as they huffed and snored. One night I fell asleep with them, curled up next to Veronique and I got hell from Fish Boy who thought I was off sleeping with someone else. We’d been drifting apart for months and my absence from Freaks and Wonders made that drifting easier. The stupid argument over my night’s absence finished us, even though he believed me, even though I smelled of camel. I ended it and things were strained between us, but eventually we were back to meeting some evenings with Angelina and Matt when I wasn’t with the camels.

While I was mucking out the animals I’d take a break and watch Milly practice with the big cats. I was in awe of the care she took, the endless patience. She loved them, that was clear. During one of her training sessions one of them scratched her. I say scratched like it was a kitten, just a regular cat. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to do, but I stood to intervene. She held her hand up: stop. Three handlers stood round her, but didn’t approach. They waited as she spoke to the tiger in whispers, stroking its head. It had its paws around her, holding her close. It licked her face. She whispered and it set her loose, padding off to its chair.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Don’t come near me during practice,’ she said. ‘Especially suddenly. They might think you’re trying to attack me.’

‘But it hurt you.’

‘It was play. This is nothing. I know them well and I know how to control them. Introduce an outlier and there could have been trouble. If you watch, you don’t move. You don’t come near us. I don’t want to lose you or one of the cats.’

‘But if one them attacks you? Really attacks?’

‘Then it’s my fault and I pay the price, and you don’t move .’

‘I don’t do anything? Are you serious?’

‘What do you think the handlers are for? And this gun?’

‘You’d shoot the cats?’

‘It’s just blanks to scare them. It shouldn’t happen, though, not if I’m doing my job properly. They know me, respect me. We have our own language.’

‘What happens if they really do attack someone? What happens to the cat?’

‘They’re euthanized.’

‘What do you mean “euthanized”? There’s nothing wrong with them.’

‘Put down, however you want to say it. They’re a danger.’

‘They can’t be rehomed?’

‘It’s too risky.’

‘What about a zoo? Surely—’

‘Is living out their days bored in a cage really any better than death?’

‘They already live in a cage.’

‘They have me, the ring and the performance. They’d rot in a zoo. I love these cats, Goblin. I’d do anything for them. What do you want? What are you after?’

‘I’m just not sure we should have animals performing.’

Milly rolled her eyes and turned away.

‘Are you kidding me? Jesus.’

‘I just think—’

She turned back to me and said, ‘Look, Goblin, they’ve only known the circus – they’re happy here.’

‘How do you know they’re happy?’

‘Because when they’re not happy they don’t play ball. I’ve known some rotten trainers who’ve beaten their animals to get them to perform and it always ends badly. They won’t do a thing if they don’t want to and I know when not to push it, I know when they’re sick or when they need a break.’

‘I just feel they should have more.’

‘More what?’

‘I don’t know… Freedom… Maybe their enclosures could be bigger.’

‘It’s not practical, not if we’re to be able to travel the way we do.’