Ever Dundas - Goblin

Tim held me and fed me. We talked. Or he talked and I listened. I liked the sound of his voice. He said that dad had taken the body back to London, the funeral had been attended by hundreds.

Then he said, ‘I know he attacked you, Goblin. He told me.’

‘I don’t remember,’ I said.

‘You do. I know you do.’

I nodded.

‘He blames me,’ I said. ‘And he’s right.’

‘That’s not right at all, G. He’s your dad—’

‘It’s my fault.’

‘It’s not your fault. It’s the bastard that killed Mad. Ania helped me speak to Aleksy and Anastazja. Aleksy said your dad attacked him and the policeman, they had to restrain him. He was lashing out, G. He didn’t mean to hurt you.’

‘She wouldn’t have been here if it wasn’t for me.’

‘G, you can’t think like that. What use is it? Your dad will come round – I know he’s ashamed of what he did. Now listen – you get released tomorrow. You’ll be free.’

I looked at him.

‘I’ll take you back. The circus is going to Venice. We’re doing a show in Piazza San Marco.’

‘I can’t do it,’ I said. ‘I can’t face him.’

‘He won’t be there. James is in England for now.’

Tim laid his hand on my shoulder. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. He whispered in my ear.

‘We love you, Goblin.’

We sat in the train carriage watching the landscape slide by, disappearing into the past.

‘Those years with her – I want them back. I’m not ready for her absence.’

‘I know, G,’ Tim said, putting his arm around me.

‘I thought she was indestructible, but I killed her.’

‘It wasn’t your fault.’

I breathed on the window, blurring the world outside.

‘You know it wasn’t your fault.’

I nodded to let him know I believed him.

‘You can’t carry that with you, Goblin. It’s a poison.’

‘It doesn’t feel real. That she’s gone. What did she look like?’

‘She was cold and her lips were dry. I put lipstick on her lips and a flower in her hair. I gave her one of the stories you wrote, her favourite about the lizard people. I put it in her hands.’

‘She was indestructible.’

‘I know.’

‘It doesn’t feel real.’

‘Matt, Colin, Angelina, Horatiu and Adam – they all give their love. They’re looking forward to seeing you.’

‘No, I don’t want to see any of them.’

‘We’ll get you settled, then we’ll see.’

We arrived at the train station and went to catch a vaporetto. I knew little about Venice, and at first I didn’t have any interest in it. All I wanted was a place where I could curl up in bed and disappear, but as we chugged our way down the Grand Canal I couldn’t help but feel curious.

‘How does this place exist? Am I dreaming?’

Tim laughed and put his arm round my waist.

‘I knew you would love it.’

‘It’s an impossible city.’

‘I read that to make the impossible possible the ruler of Venice, the Doge, would be taken out into the lagoon where he’d drop a gold ring. He’d marry the sea, protecting Venice from floods.’

‘Of course,’ I said. ‘This city could only be built on myths and magic.’

‘And blood, empire, and the money of tourists.’

I stared down the Grand Canal, looking at the water. For the first time in a long time I thought of David. I knew. I could feel it physically; a knot in my belly.

I remember what he told me: ‘I’ll sail around the world. I’ll meet a girl and we’ll make our home by the sea – a place where the sea is everything, where it changes people.’

I knew there was no other place he would be other than this floating city.

‘You knew what you were doing, bringing me here,’ I said.

I smiled. For the first time in weeks I smiled, and he smiled back and took my hand.

‘I knew you would love Venice,’ he said.

But at that moment, it wasn’t Venice I loved.

London, 30 November 2011

I emerge from Tim’s room in the early evening and join Tim, Ben, Sam, and Mahler, who had already been through for his dinner. Mahler rushes to greet me as I sit at the table.

‘Have a good sleep, old lady?’

I nod and laugh as Mahler puts his paws on my lap and licks furiously at my face.

‘I missed you too,’ I say.

I snuffle into Mahler’s fur, breathing in his smell. Tim makes me some tea and Ben tells me about his journey down. I sit at the table, listening to Ben’s voice, glad to feel part of a big family again.

‘Aye, so it wis a right bastard of a journey. I’m no saying she wis an actual Nazi, but she definitely had fascist leanings.’

‘What?’ I say. ‘Who’s a Nazi?’

‘That woman on the train.’

‘What woman?’

‘Have ye no been listening?’ Ben says, rolling his eyes and turning to Tim as he sits down, placing biscuits on the table. ‘Away wi’ the fairies – has she always been like that?’

Tim laughs and says, ‘She was always in her own world.’

I look at them both, past and present coming together, so I say, ‘The woman was a fascist?’

Ben looks at me, then says, ‘Aye – she didnae like it one bit when Mahler and Sam were up on the seats. It’s not as if anyone else needed them, she wis just being snooty and said they were dirty and should be on the floor.’

‘You’re not dirty, are you Mahler?’ I say, ruffling his ears.

‘She made a big stink about it and the conductor said they had to go on the floor or we’d have to get off at the next stop. So I made that woman’s life a misery – I let off some awful farts, then I blamed her, saying she wis the one causing a stink, which wis the truth of the matter. She just tutted. There’s nothing worse than a tutter. I bashed into her as I went to the loo and she spilled her drink on herself. She got the conductor again, but I pleaded persecution, saying she wis a nasty dog hater and wis trying to get me thrown off. Eventually he just took her to a different carriage – upgraded her to first class, so I bet she wis happy with that.’

Tim laughs and says, ‘Good for you.’

‘Aye, it wis good, until hordes got on the train and then the delays. A bastard of a journey.’

‘I’m glad you came, Ben,’ I say. ‘I really missed you.’

‘It wis boring without ye. Though, these two kept me on ma toes.’

‘I bet they did.’

‘How did you two meet?’ asks Tim and I clatter my mug onto the table.

‘She stole ma spot,’ says Ben.

‘He doesn’t want to know about that,’ I say.

Ben frowns at me, ‘Well that’s how we met and that’s what he asked – I had a begging spot and I came back to find she’d stolen it. So I told her tae get tae fuck but she wasnae listenin – too busy hugging Sam, the wee traitor.’

I get up and go to the kitchen counter, turning up the radio.

‘She wis crying and snottin all over him’, says Ben, ‘but he wis lapping up the attention so I just sat next to them and let her cry into his fur. She dried up and Sam fell asleep in her arms.’

‘I remember,’ I say, swaying to the music. ‘“Look, lady,” you said, “we’ve all got our sob stories, but this is ma spot.”’

‘Aye, that’s right. But ye just ignored me and asked about Sam. Before I knew it I wis telling ye our sob story. She wis deflecting,’ says Ben, turning back to Tim, ‘away from the situation of ma spot.’

‘I wasn’t there for long,’ I say.

‘Aye, ye had tae go get medication for yer wife.’

I nod, looking down at Mahler who’d followed me. I stroke his head.

‘Her wife wis sick,’ says Ben to Tim, ‘but I didnae find that out till later. From then on, though, we were pals. Eh, old lady?’