Mingmei Yip - The Nine Fold Heaven

Back to the safety of the hotel room, I exclaimed, “Damn!” “What’s wrong?” Jinying came up to kiss me as he cast me a worried look.

I told him about the phone call and that I lost the chance to finish reading Lewinsky’s entire file.

I muttered, “I’m thinking if I should go back…”

“Why didn’t you just take the whole thing?”

“Because then they know it’s missing.”

“So what? You think they’ll look at those files after a person is dead?”

I bit my lip. Jinying was right. How stupid of me!

With a heavy heart and troubled mind, I picked up the pages I had managed to extract from Lewinsky’s file. Though completely exhausted, I stayed up with Jinying to study them.

As soon as I started to read, tears filled my eyes. Someone else had our baby but had moved to no one knew where. For the first time, I began to think that our search was truly hopeless. For some time my little Jinjin had not even come to me in my dream to ask after me and to scold me.

Silently—I had never told Jinying about these dreams—I thought, Jinjin, can you come to your mama one more time to tell her that you’re all right?

Jinying pulled me to his arms and kissed me. “Camilla, I don’t know what to say to comfort you, but I’m sure little Jinjin is fine somewhere.”

I looked up at his tired, sunken face. “But where?”

He said, “Camilla, don’t feel too sad. We try our best to find Jinjin; if we still fail, maybe it’s heaven’s will that we should leave things as they are. I believe his adoptive American parents are now raising him in the US and will give him the best Western education.”

Did Jinying think this would comfort me? Maybe deep down he was not sure the baby was his.

After taking a day to recover from my night of breaking and entering, I decided it was time for one last visit to the Compassionate Grace Orphanage where I grew up. I told Jinying of my plan and he was eager to come with me. I told him that if he did, the staff would just bother him for a big donation, so it would be easier if I went by myself.

My real reason for going back was to visit the little blind singer, as I had promised. As a spy, I had not hesitated to break promises, but somehow I felt a special affinity for the unfortunate girl and was happy to bring a little cheer into her lonely life. I imagined her as my younger self, who’d also been orphaned and was “blind” to the ways of the real world. I wouldn’t say I was seeking redemption, but I wanted to feel that I was actually doing something nice for someone for a change. Actually, I would have liked Jinying’s company, but I thought it would make my farewell meeting with Peiling more complicated.

The following afternoon, I took a tricycle rickshaw to Joffre Avenue where Compassionate Grace Orphanage was only a few blocks from Sacred Heart Convent.

When I got there, I noticed that the flyers that had been posted on the orphanage’s wall were gone. Perhaps the parents who had posted them had finally given up all hope. Or more likely, the orphanage regarded them as an eyesore and had them removed. But there was nothing I could do to help these bereaved parents, It was enough for me to try to find my own Jinjin. So I quickly passed through the gate, then hurried to the courtyard to look for Peiling, probably for the last time.

I found her in her little secret garden, seated on a rock, wearing those thick glasses behind which her eyes seemed to be staring at nowhere. But she was not singing to herself, and looked very sad. When she heard the footsteps, her head tilted in my direction.

“Who’s this?”

“Peiling, can you guess?”

“Big Sister!”

She stood up, dashed to me, and thrust her small body against mine.

“I knew you’d keep your promise and come back! Can we sing?”

I caressed her short, crop hair. “I don’t think so, Peiling. I’ve come to say good-bye.”

Her expression changed from sadness to anger. “Good-bye? Why?”

I didn’t know how to respond, so when she asked again, her tone was not angry, but urgent and desperate. “So, Big Sister, you’re not coming again?”

I lied. “Maybe, but I really don’t know when.”

“You can if you really want to.”

Yes, if life were really that simple.

To distract her, I asked, “Peiling, you looked so sad when I saw you sitting there. What’s wrong?”

“I heard that someone is going to take Baobao away.”

“You mean the baby you take care of? I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?”

“I heard that another couple wants to adopt him.”

“I am surprised,” I told her. Usually no one wants the children who are left here.

“I overheard a couple talking about him. They found a birthmark hidden behind his ear and took it as a lucky sign.”

This bit of superstitious nonsense pricked my curiosity. “What does the birthmark look like?”

“They said it’s lucky because it’s red and looks like smiling lips. But some of the staff think it’s unlucky because it looks like a capsized boat smeared with blood. That’s why they let me take care of him—they are afraid that he is bad luck. What do you think, Big Sister?”

“I am sure he is a very lucky baby—he’s had you to look after him.“

Before I finished, Peiling was already walking away. “Please wait here, Big Sister.”

In less than five minutes she returned, holding the baby Chinese-style behind her back.

I asked, “Can I see his birthmark?”

Peiling didn’t respond at once but took something out from beneath her thin jacket. It was a bottle of milk.

“Big Sister, let me feed Baobao first, he’s hungry.”

I was amazed that this little girl was so responsible.

She cradled Baobao in the nook of her arm and gently put the bottle’s nipple inside his mouth. The baby began to suck like there was no tomorrow. My heart melted at the sight. Did I suck like this at my mother’s breast? Then I thought, did my little Jinjin have full breasts to suckle?

“You know, Big Sister, Baobao is hungry all the time. Director Chen assigned me to care for him because the orphanage is understaffed, so she’s happy that I can help.”

This surprised me. “Peiling, forgive me if I hurt your feelings by asking again. There are many orphans your age here, why did Director Chen assign you to care for him? She’s not concerned that it’s dangerous for a blind girl to care for a baby?”

Peiling’s reaction surprised me. “But you’re wrong, Big Sister! It’s just the opposite. Because I’m blind I’ve been much more careful with Baobao than the others. Also, I still have a little vision left in my right eye, enough to see shadows.”

I remained silent and she went on. “One time I overheard Director Chen say to one of the staff that a blind person is much more careful with the baby. But she also said that when Baobao starts to walk and run around, then someone else has to take over my job.” She paused, then spoke again. “But I know that the staff doesn’t want to watch him because of his unlucky birthmark.”

She shook her head. “But it doesn’t matter now. Baobao will soon be gone.”

Now the baby, his hunger satisfied, nestled his head on Peiling’s chest and fell asleep.

“I’m so sorry, Peiling. I’m sure Baobao’s adoptive parents will be very loving and take very good care of him.”

She shook her head again. “No, they won’t be as good and loving as me.” What confidence from a little blind orphan girl!

“Big Sister, no one really pays attention to anyone else here. Except on days when the government people or distinguished guests visit.”