Dyan Sheldon - And Baby Makes Two

I turned from the sink, holding the baby with one hand and the kettle with the other. “What?” I shouted. “Swimming, fishing and what?”

“Scuba-diving!” roared Les. “I really liked the scuba-diving. But it’s not as easy as you think.”

I’d never thought about scuba-diving at all and I wasn’t about to start just then. Les yammered on about scuba-diving and all the things you have to learn so you don’t kill yourself or anything, but there was no way I could really hear him. Not with trying to get the tea things out and Shinola shrieking in my ear. I didn’t want to interrupt him every three words to say “What?” Plus, I didn’t really care. He might as well have been talking about star surfing, it seemed so foreign and far away.

I came back into the living-room while he was going on about the fishing. He hadn’t caught anything.

“What a shame,” I said. “Still, you got a good tan.”

Les beamed. “And no sunburn. Usually I burn badly, but this time my nose didn’t even peel.”

I moved the nappies and put Shinola on the sofa beside him to bond. She’d settled down a bit once the tea was made, but as soon as she hit the couch she started up again.

Les jumped to his feet. “Christ!” He slapped his forehead. “Your surprise! How could I forget?”

It was a T-shirt that said “Winner of the Wet T-shirt Competition, Sunnytime Holidays” and then something in what I reckoned must be Greek. At least it was Greek to me.

“Try it on,” shouted Les.

“But the tea—”

He winked. “The tea can wait.” He winked again. “You have to wear it without a bra.”

I had to go in the kitchen to take my bra off because people could see into the living-room from the street. Les came after me.

I stuck out my chest. “How does it look?”

Les grinned. “It looks better when it’s wet, but it looks pretty good.”

I looked down. “They’re not so big any more.”

“They’re big enough for me,” said Les.

The way he said it made me feel all tingly.

Les took a step towards me.

I took a step towards him.

Our lips touched.

Shinola really started to scream.

Les jumped back as though my mouth was hot.

“Christ,” he said. He glanced at his watch. “I’d better get going. I can’t be late. Not after being on holiday.”

I tried to hide my disappointment. “But we haven’t had our tea! You must have time for tea.”

Les shook his head. “I really have to go.” He touched my breast. “And anyway, it’s really hard to concentrate with her screaming like that.”

I followed him to the front door.

“When am I going to see you again?”

“Soon. I’ll drop by.”

“Maybe we could have lunch one day.”

“Yeah,” said Les. “That’d be great. I’ll ring you, OK?”

I said, “OK.”

Shinola shrieked. If she was a car alarm someone would’ve smashed the windscreen by now.

Shinola was still screaming when the doctor’s receptionist from hell came home.

“What on earth have you been doing to this baby?” she demanded.

She grabbed her out of my arms. As per usual, she was all sweet and soft and coocoocoo with Shinola. But not with me.

“What were you doing to let her get in this state?” she demanded. She looked me up and down. “Putting on make-up?”

She said it like it was a crime or something.

“No,” I said. “I put it on before. Anyway, the book says it’s all right to let her cry.”

She rocked Shinola back and forth in her arms.

“Maybe you should get another book,” said my mother.

I was beginning to think they’d forgotten about me, but Shanee, Gerri and Amie finally found some time in their busy lives to pay me a visit.

I was really warming to my story. I’d had all the other mothers in the maternity ward and the nurses and everyone to tell about my experience, but this was the first time I’d told the story of Shinola’s birth to any of my friends. It was having a powerful effect.

“Oh, my God…” screeched Gerri. “Weren’t you terrified?”

“I can’t believe I wasn’t here when you needed me,” said Shanee. “Poor Lana.”

Amie held up her hands. “Please,” she begged, “I’ve heard enough. I’m never having children unless I can have a Caesarean.”

“That hurts too,” said Shanee.

“It can’t be as bad as what Lana went through,” said Amie. She shuddered. “I can’t even think of it without feeling sick.”

I laughed. I was enjoying myself. I felt really grown up, telling them all about giving birth and stuff. At last I knew something none of them knew.

“It wasn’t all that bad, really,” I said. “I mean, you know you’re not dying or anything. And, besides, you forget about it as soon as you see your baby.”

“Speaking of your baby, when do we see her?” asked Gerri.

I glanced at the clock. Babies are meant to follow a routine – sleep, eat, get changed, go back to sleep – but Shinola liked to leave out as much of the sleep bit as she could. She usually finally passed out round about the time she should’ve been waking up again.

“I put her to bed just before you came. She won’t be up for at least an hour.”

“We don’t have that long,” said Shanee. “I’ve got to get back to mind the brats.”

“Can’t we just take a peek?” asked Gerri.

I’d’ve preferred to have time to dress Shinola up in one of her cute little dresses, you know, so she looked less froggy. On the other hand, I did want to show her off.

“All right,” I said. “But you have to be quiet.”

We tiptoed into the bedroom and all stood round Shinola’s cot. She looked really sweet in her yellow sleep bag.

“What’s wrong with her skin?” asked Gerri.

“Nothing,” I whispered. “All babies look like that.”

“Do they all have hair like that, too?” asked Amie. “And flaky eyebrows?”

“For God’s sake!” I hissed at her. “She’s only just been born. Give her a chance.”

“So does she look like Les?” asked Amie.

“I think she looks like Lana,” said Shanee.

“She looks like Les,” I assured them. “Except she’s not so tall.”

“What did he say when he saw her?” asked Gerri.

It was always Gerri with the big mouth.

“He was delirious.” Which I was sure he would be. Eventually. “He came over as soon as he got back from Manchester.”

I didn’t want them thinking Les wasn’t so interested in me, so I’d told them he’d been sent up to Manchester with his job. It sounded better than him going on holiday to Greece.

“Where was your mum?” asked Gerri. “Don’t tell me they’ve finally met!”

I gave her a look. “Not likely. She still doesn’t know about him.” I gave her another look. “And she’s not going to. Not yet.”

“That’s going to make conjugal visits a little dodgy, isn’t it?” asked Gerri.

“Come on.” I grabbed hold of her and Amie and tugged. “Let’s go back to the living-room. We’re going to wake her up.”

They’d all been oohing and aahing right over the cot, and we’d had a whole conversation right over her head, but it was the really soft shutting of the bedroom door that woke her. Click went the door and the next sound was Shinola Spiggs going off like a car alarm.

“Geez,” said Gerri. “Is there a pin in her or something?”

I rolled my eyes. “Pampers don’t have pins . She must’ve heard the door and it woke her up.”

“Does she always scream like that?” asked Amie.

“Do you want me to get her?” asked Shanee.

“She’ll be all right. I’ll put on some music, it’ll help her sleep.”

I put on an Oasis CD and made us all some tea.