Dyan Sheldon - And Baby Makes Two

She stopped whimpering and let out a scream that nearly made me deaf in one ear.

I rang for the nurse.

“It’s not really time for another feed,” said the nurse. “See if you can get her back to sleep.”

I couldn’t get her back to sleep. The more I tried, the louder she howled.

The nurse brought a bottle.

The baby didn’t want the bottle.

“Well, it’s a strange new world to her, isn’t it?” said the nurse.

To both of us , I felt like saying.

As soon as the nurse took her, she shut up.

“Maybe she doesn’t like me,” I whispered.

“Don’t be silly.” The nurse jiggled my baby in her arms. “Of course she likes you. You’re her mum.”

“I don’t like my mum.”

The nurse smiled at Shinola. “You want to go back to mummy now, don’t you?”

The baby started howling again.

“You see?” I said. “I told you.”

The nurse laughed. “I’ll just take her to the nursery. See if I can get her back to sleep.”

It was after she disappeared that I got really depressed. Everybody else was sleeping peacefully. Why shouldn’t they be? They all had homes with fathers to go back to. When they woke up in the morning their babies’ dads would all be there with fruit and messages from their friends and probably a stack of post.

I wished I’d asked Hilary to bring Mr Ted to the hospital. I could’ve told her it was for the baby. Mr Ted always slept with me, unless Les stayed the night. I really missed him. I sort of bunched up my pillow and pretended I was hugging a bald teddy bear with only one eye, but it wasn’t the same.

That’s when I started to cry. Just a little at first, but then I really started sobbing. All these thoughts were sort of rushing at my head. There were so many that I didn’t know what any of them were. Plus, I didn’t want to know. There was something really scary trying to ram itself through my brain. But I wasn’t going to let it in.

I tried to sing “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright” in my head but I couldn’t. I stopped thinking about anything and just let myself cry.

The nurse came back with the baby, but when she saw the state I was in she took her back to the nursery. Then she brought me a cup of tea.

“Feeling better?” she asked as I sipped.

I nodded.

“Almost everybody gets a little blue after they’ve had a baby,” she told me. “It’s the hormones.”

“Really?” I snuffled into a tissue. “That’s all?”

She fluffed up my pillows.

“That’s all,” she said cheerfully. She straightened out my blankets. “Once you get home and settled with your baby you’ll be as right as rain.”

She was one of the older nurses. She was always nice and very calm.

“You think so?”

She took my cup.

“I know so.”

I decided to believe her.

Being at home after the hospital was worse than going back to school after the summer holidays; a big disappointment. The Spiggs gave me a couple of days to recover, but after that she made it pretty clear that she expected me to do everything myself.

“I’m not your private nurse, Lana,” she informed me. “The party’s over. Time to join the real world.”

I had no one to talk to like I did on the ward. I couldn’t talk to her and all my friends were still away. There was no one else around except Mrs Mugurdy. For the first time in my life I was relieved when August finally staggered to an end.

Shanee came over as soon as she got back from Ireland. She brought Shinola some socks, a T-shirt that said “I’m a Full-time Job”, and a rubber ducky. She didn’t bring anything for me.

“So how’s it going?” asked Shanee.

She was standing behind me, watching me change Shinola.

I dodged a small foot that was trying to put out my front teeth.

“It’s brilliant,” I said. “It really is what life is all about.” I pulled Shinola’s fist off the nappy tape and sealed her up. “I can’t believe there was ever a time when I didn’t have her.” Which was true in more ways than one; I could hardly go to the toilet without taking her with me.

Shinola went red and rigid at the same time.

“Maybe you did it up too tight,” Shanee suggested.

Since it was the first time I’d seen her since Shinola was born, I didn’t snap at her the way I would have snapped at Hilary Spiggs.

“It’s not too tight,” I said, watching the greeny-brown mess that was baby diarrhoea creep out on to her thighs. “She’s got the splatters.”

Shanee told me all about her holiday while I put another nappy on Shinola. I was too busy clucking and cooing over Shinola to really listen.

Shanee followed me into the kitchen when I went to feed Shinola.

She was still banging on about her holiday and some boy she met who took her for a ride on his motorcycle.

“Wow,” I said, juggling Shinola and clucking and cooing. “That sounds cool.”

“So,” said Shanee. “How’s Les?”

I couldn’t tell her I hadn’t seen Les yet – or even talked to him. I didn’t want her to start telling me she told me so or feeling sorry for me.

I swung Shinola so Shanee could get a full view of her. “You should’ve seen her when she was just born,” I said. “She looked like a frog.”

“She still looks a bit like a frog,” said Shanee.

When Gerri rang I told her that motherhood was brilliant, too.

“You’ve got to come over and see her,” I said. “She’s amazing.”

Gerri started going on about some boy she’d met at some party.

“It’s incredible how fast they grow,” I said. “I swear she changes every day.”

“I thought it was you who did the changing,” said Gerri.

Amie wanted to know about my figure. “Are you doing exercises?” she asked. “Is your stomach still floppy?”

“Wait till you see her,” I said. “Yesterday she smiled at me. I know everybody says it’s just gas, but she really smiled.”

“So what else have you been doing?” asked Amie.

“I’ve got to go, Amie. Shinola’s crying.”

“I’m back,” said Les. “I’m sorry I didn’t ring sooner. I’ve been busy.”

I was so relieved he’d phoned when the Spiggs wasn’t home that I didn’t even mind that it had taken him a week to get round to it.

“Me, too,” I said.

Les laughed. “What have you been doing, shopping?”

I laughed, too. “No,” I said. “I had the baby. Our baby.”

Les said, “What?”

“The baby,” I repeated. “I had it. That’s what happens after you’ve been pregnant for nine months,” I explained. “You give birth.”

“Geez,” said Les.

“It’s a girl,” I said, since he didn’t ask. “I called her Shinola.”

“Shinola?”

“Yeah. Do you like it?”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” Les cleared his throat. “What is it, African or something?”

I said I didn’t think so. I said it meant sunny morning in Indian or something like that.

“That’s great,” said Les. “That’s really great.” I could hear his voice change gear. “I’ll ring you later, Lana. I’ve got to go.”

Since I was always tired, I fell asleep at every chance I got, usually in front of the telly. And since Les still hadn’t come round, I dreamt about him a lot.

I was dreaming that Les took me and Shinola to Disneyland Paris.

When Charley took me and Hilary to Disney World we stayed with his sister who lives in Florida, but Les got us a room in one of the hotels at the park. Our room was pink and had a white canopy bed and a crystal chandelier. It was the Cinderella suite. Les had booked it specially. There was a little room off the main bedroom for Shinola. It had one of those cradles that rock back and forth like you see in fairy stories, all white net and ruffles and little pink bows.