Dyan Sheldon - And Baby Makes Two

“What did you expect her to have?” asked my mother. “Claws and fangs?”

Leave it to Hilary Spiggs to ruin any good mood.

I sighed and ran a finger along one of the baby’s. It had little knuckles and lines and everything.

“You know what I mean. It’s like a magic trick.”

“The trick would be getting her to go back,” said cheery Nurse Hilary.

I rubbed the tiny knuckles. “I don’t want her to go back. I think she’s great.” Even though she wasn’t a boy.

I just hoped Les agreed. I’d sort of thought he’d secretly wanted a son. You know, because he’d never had a brother and his father had died when he was still at primary school. But she did look like him. This could help them bond.

Witch Woman straightened up.

“I told you Charlene can’t make it, didn’t I?”

I nodded. Charlene’s kids both had the flu.

“And Dara’s at that conference in Australia.”

My sister the international banker. I nodded again.

“But Charley’ll come as soon as he’s finished work.”

I wondered if Les already knew he had a daughter. You know, instinctively.

“That’s great.”

“So is there anything else you want me to bring when I come back?”

I rubbed some flaky skin from the baby’s eyebrow.

“Just my post.”

Anne came shuffling over to my bed with a box of chocolates her husband had brought her and her book of baby names. “Haven’t you chosen a name yet?”

I looked up from the list I was making. “No. I thought maybe I’d wait to see what she was like.”

She sat down on the edge of my bed with a groan. “I swear, the stitches are the worst part.” She picked up the pad that was beside me. “What’ve you got so far?”

“Nothing. The only name that really suits her is Banshee.” She cried so much that they were always taking her out of the ward so she didn’t set the others off.

Anne laughed, and Ellen, who was in the bed next to mine, joined in.

Anne flicked through her book. “What about Angelica…? Maia…? Winona…?”

I shook my head. No. No. No.

“What about Cheryl…? Or Amee…? Or Dana…?”

“They just don’t seem right.”

“Doesn’t her dad have any ideas?” asked Ellen.

I laughed. “You know men . He wants to name her after his mother.”

“And what’s that?” asked Anne.

How should I know? The only thing I’d ever heard Les call her was Mum.

“Mary,” I guessed.

“It’s a little old-fashioned…” said Anne.

“Is he coming tonight?” asked Ellen.

I said, “Who?”

“Your – the baby’s dad.”

I’d been hoping no one would notice that Les wasn’t around. I mean, they all had scads of visitors. Ellen’s husband came on his way to work, on his way home from work and after supper with the rest of the kids.

“No,” I said quickly. “No. He’s away. Working. In Manchester. He can’t get back till next week. But he phones me every day. You know, to make sure everything’s all right.”

“What a shame,” said Ellen. “I bet he was upset to miss his daughter’s birth.”

I nodded. But I didn’t want to keep on this subject for too long.

“I just know there’s a perfect name floating around somewhere in my mind,” I said thoughtfully. “From some film or a song…”

Anne passed the chocolates to Ellen.

“How about Laura?” tried Ellen. “That’s from a song.”

Not any song I knew.

“Renee,” suggested Anne. “That’s from a song, too.”

I didn’t know that one either.

The name situation was actually a little critical. I couldn’t get a birth certificate till she had a name. And if I didn’t get a birth certificate I would never get my Child Benefit. I was counting on my Child Benefit. Plus, my nan was making a special quilt for the baby. That’s what she did, my nan: make quilts. She started when she gave up smoking, so she’d have something to do, and she just kept going. She needed a name before she could finish the quilt. Plus, Les would be back soon. When I finally talked to him I wanted the baby to have a name. So she was real to him. So I could say, “I called her ——. What do you think?”

I bit into my orange cream. “What about Anastasia?”

Anne shook her head. “Too Disney.” She poked through the chocolates.

“Martina?”

I liked the sound of the “a” at the end. In my name it made me sound like a bar of soap, but in other names it made them sound foreign and romantic.

“Martina’s nice,” said Ellen.

“How about Simone?” asked Anne. “I’ve always liked Simone. It’s classy.”

“Simona…” I muttered. And then it hit me. Just like that. I snapped my fingers. “I’ve got it!” I cried. “It’s perfect!”

“Well, don’t keep us in suspense,” urged Ellen. “What is it?”

“Shinola!” I don’t know where I heard it, but now that I’d remembered it, I loved it. It was unusual and exotic. Shinola Spiggs wasn’t brilliant, but Spiggs wouldn’t be her last name forever. Soon her name would be Craft. Shinola Craft. Or maybe Shinola Craft-Spiggs. A double-barrelled name can be a help.

Ellen frowned. “Shinola? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before.”

“It almost sounds African,” said Anne.

It didn’t sound African to me. But it did sound like it would mean something nice like “beautiful morning” or “graceful princess” in whatever language it was.

“Perhaps you should try it out on your boyfriend when he rings.”

“Yeah,” I said. “That’s what I’ll do.”

My mum and Charley came around seven. They brought me a Big Mac and large fries, an apple pie and a chocolate milkshake. But no postcards except the one from Shanee.

Charley made a fool of himself gurgling at the baby, who decided to take a break from crying to gaze at him blindly. While I ate, the Spiggs yammered on about all the things I’d done when I was a baby. I was too tired to care. After they left I watched some telly till they turned the lights out.

Everything changed when the lights went out. If the ward was like a party in the day, at night it was like a party after everyone’s gone home and left you with the washing-up.

Maybe it was the star balloons Sam’s husband brought her that floated over her bed. I’d never thought about being an astronaut or anything like that, but all of a sudden I felt like I was drifting through space all by myself.

Space was cold and scary. It wasn’t like in films. There weren’t any stations where Han Solo and Chewbacca hung out. Or colonies where a starship might stop. There was just space. I thought about the postcard Hilary didn’t bring me from home. What if I never found anywhere to land? What if I just floated like this forever with no one to bring me flowers or balloons?

I almost started crying, but then I had another thought. It wasn’t that Les was ignoring me. It was that he was protecting me. If he had written and Hilary had seen his card she’d want to know who he was. She’d put two and two together and come up with Dad. Thank God he’d had enough sense to be careful. It made me feel better.

I went back to drifting through space.

There were all sorts of dangers out in space I’d never thought of before. I’d made all sorts of plans for me and the baby. And Les. I knew what our house looked like, and how we’d decorate our Christmas tree – stuff like that. But I hadn’t made any plans for what happened if those things didn’t happen.

The baby woke up. She was kind of whimpering.

I picked her up how they’d shown me.

“Shhh,” I whispered. “You’ll wake everyone up.”