Уильям Николсон - Motherland

‘No, I haven’t,’ she says. ‘How sweet of you.’

‘There are so few good men in books,’ says Larry. ‘In good books, I mean. All the best characters are bad. But there’s one in The Warden . It’s the story of a good man.’

‘That’s just what I need,’ says Kitty.

‘Care for a walk in the park?’

She jumps up, slipping the books into her long-strap handbag.

‘What if they come out?’

‘We won’t go far.’

They go round the house and down a path that runs south between unkempt lawns. The once-grand gardens are suffering from neglect. Yet another casualty of war.

‘I think you must be a good man, Larry,’ says Kitty.

‘Why do you say that?’

‘I don’t know. Just a feeling I get.’

‘Not half good enough,’ says Larry. ‘Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is idleness and selfishness.’

‘Oh, we all think that about ourselves. Me most of all.’

‘So what’s to be done?’

‘We shall get better,’ says Kitty.

‘You’re right. We shall get better.’

‘I think loving people makes you a better person,’ says Kitty. ‘Don’t you?’

‘Yes, I do,’ says Larry.

‘But it has to not be selfish love. It has to be selfless love. And that’s so hard.’

‘That’s because it’s your self that does the loving,’ says Larry.

‘You love them for them, and then they love you back, and that makes you happy. So maybe it’s all selfishness in the end.’

The path leads to a circular terrace with a small stone monument at its centre. Round the stone base is a brass plaque on which lines of poetry are engraved.

Give fools their gold and knaves their power

Let fortune’s bubbles rise and fall

Who sows a field or trains a flower

Or plants a tree is more than all.

‘Do you think that’s true?’ says Kitty.

‘Well, I’ve never sown a field,’ says Larry. ‘Or trained a flower, or planted a tree.’

‘Nor have I.’

‘So I think it’s tosh.’

‘I think it’s tosh too.’

They stand by the curving stone balustrade and look down into an overgrown pond, and return to talk of love.

‘The thing is,’ says Kitty, ‘I can only love with all of myself. And if that makes me happy, well, I just have to lump it, don’t I?’

‘There is another side to it, you know? You have to accept love as well as give it.’

‘Yes, but that’s not up to me. That’s up to the other person.’

‘Well, you do have to let yourself be loved.’

‘What an odd notion,’ says Kitty. ‘Let myself be loved? I don’t understand that at all. That’s like saying let myself be warmed by the sun. The sun shines and it warms me, whether I choose to let it or not.’

‘You could go into the shade.’

‘Oh, well, yes.’

She frowns, becoming confused.

‘What I mean,’ says Larry, ‘is that some people don’t let themselves be loved. Maybe they’re frightened. Maybe they don’t feel worthy.’

‘Oh, I see. But you don’t feel that, do you?’

‘Sometimes. A little. You can call it shyness, if you like. People can be afraid to ask for love, even though they may want it very much.’

‘Yes, I can see that.’

‘After all, not everyone feels they’re bound to be lovable. Most of us wonder why anyone would ever be remotely interested.’

Kitty is silent for a moment.

‘It’s funny about people loving people,’ she says. ‘I don’t really know what it is makes you love one person and not another. I know it’s supposed to be about looks, but I don’t think it is at all.’

‘So what is it?’ says Larry.

‘It’s something that gets inside you,’ she says. ‘Suddenly it’s inside you, and you know it can’t ever be taken out. Not without tearing you apart.’

‘What makes that something get inside you?’ says Larry.

Kitty gives him a quick frowning look, and for a moment her sweet face is filled with sadness.

‘Standing on the quay at Newhaven harbour,’ she says, ‘and knowing he’s going to die.’

Larry looks back towards the house. He feels far away from everyone and everything. He nods slowly, wanting to show he’s heard her, not trusting himself to speak.

‘We’re going to get married,’ Kitty says. ‘Do you think I’m a terrible fool?’

‘No,’ he says. ‘Of course not. That’s wonderful news.’

He forces lightness into his voice.

‘Congratulations, and so on. Lucky old Ed.’

‘I do love him, Larry. I love him so much it hurts.’

They walk back down the path. Larry is filled with an aching emptiness. Following some instinct of self-preservation he says all the good things he can think of about Ed.

‘He was my best friend at school. I know him better than anyone. He’s incredibly intelligent, and ruthlessly honest. And though he likes to make out he sees through everything, it’s not true. He cares too much, really. That’s where the sadness comes from.’

‘The sadness,’ she says. ‘I think that’s almost what makes me love him the most.’

‘He’ll make a fine husband,’ says Larry. ‘If Ed says he’ll do a thing, he does it. But look here’ – he suddenly remembers the morning’s briefing – ‘you’d better get a move on if you’re to get married. He could be posted overseas any day now.’

Kitty takes his hand and squeezes it.

‘What’s that for?’

‘For being a darling.’

They return in silence to the side of the house where the cars and drivers wait.

‘I’ll see how much longer they’re going to be,’ says Larry.

He goes into the house. In the central hallway, by the dark oak staircase, he meets Brigadier Wills coming out of his meeting with General Roberts.

‘All done,’ says the brigadier. ‘Let’s get on the road.’

Larry walks back through the house with the brigadier.

‘This op, sir,’ he says. ‘I know it’s a Canadian show. But I was wondering if you could find a berth for me.’

‘It won’t be a picnic, Lieutenant.’

‘My war too, sir.’

‘So it is, so it is.’

They come out onto the forecourt. The drivers are now all standing by their cars, waiting for their officers.

‘I can use you, Lieutenant. But you’ll have to clear it with Combined Ops.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

The brigadier finds his car. Kitty opens the passenger door for him.

‘Back to base, Corporal.’

Larry watches the Humber drive away past the giant trees and out of sight. Then he makes his way slowly across to the stable block, where he has left his motorbike. He stands for a long time, motionless, his helmet held in his hands, before at last he raises it to his head.

In the car driving south the brigadier says to Kitty, ‘You know Lieutenant Cornford, don’t you?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘He just asked me if he can ride along when we go into action.’

He shakes his head as he thinks about it.

‘That’s war for you. A man leaves his home and his loved ones and puts himself in the line of fire, all of his own free will. Don’t tell me he does that because he wants to free the world from tyranny. Don’t tell me he does that for his country. He does it for his buddies. That’s what war’s about. If your buddies are fighting and dying, you want to fight and die alongside them.’

‘Yes, sir,’ says Kitty.

Larry knows by now how the system works. Rather than putting his request through the official channels, he goes to Joyce Wedderburn.

‘I just need two minutes,’ he says.

‘He’s not here right now,’ says Joyce. ‘But if you don’t mind waiting.’