Уильям Николсон - Motherland

‘Is that good or bad?’

‘Another hour in bed, isn’t it?’

‘Anything on for this evening?’ says Louisa.

‘My night off,’ says Kitty. ‘I need it.’

‘All right for some,’ says Louisa.

She’s looking at Kitty in an odd way.

‘What?’

‘Nothing,’ says Louisa. ‘Sweet dreams.’

Kitty climbs the terrace steps into the main house, suddenly feeling the strain of the long drive. She thinks maybe she’ll just lie on her bed and read. She should be writing to Stephen, should have written to him days ago, it’s not fair to leave him dangling. Except she never asked him to fall in love with her. How can you fall in love with someone you’ve only met twice? Then she thinks of Ed and blushes. But what can she say to Stephen? That she’s met someone she likes better? Dear Stephen, I value your friendship but I don’t want to tie you down. And so on.

She has no means of communicating with Ed, and no idea when she’ll see him again, but she thinks about him all the time. Not in a making-plans sort of way: it’s more that the idea of him is a permanent presence in her life now, which causes her to feel differently about everything. Because of him the immediate future has become unpredictable and exciting.

She can hear her mother’s warning voice: Don’t get in too deep. What are his prospects? How’s he going to provide for you? But her secret dreams of Ed have nothing to do with marriage. It’s not about living happily ever after.

I want to get in too deep, Mummy. I want to be swept off my feet, and not be able to do anything about it. I want adventure.

She climbs the dark and narrow nursery stairs to the corridor in the eaves. As she goes she begins the process of unbuckling her belt, then undoing the four brass buttons of her uniform jacket. She loosens her tie and undoes the top button of her shirt. She’s tugging the tie out of her collar as she enters the nursery bedroom.

Ed is lying on her bed.

He puts a finger to his lips.

‘Shut the door,’ he says softly.

She shuts the door.

He lies there in his shirtsleeves, his hands behind his head, his shoes kicked off his feet. His eyes hold her with that mocking gaze.

‘How did you know this was my room?’

‘Louisa told me,’ he says.

‘I’m going to kill her.’

‘That would be an overreaction,’ he says.

She stands there gazing down at him, confused but excited. She’s not sure what he expects her to do.

‘How about saying hello?’ he says.

He makes no move to get up. She goes nearer to the bed. His arms reach up and draw her down. They kiss, in a polite, almost formal way.

‘Hello,’ she says.

Then he pulls her onto the bed, and she finds herself lying half across him. Now he’s kissing her properly. She feels his lips on her lips, his hands on her back, his body warm beneath hers, the rise and fall of his chest. She lets him overwhelm her, saying to herself, I have no choice. From the moment she entered the room and saw him lying on her bed she ceased to take responsibility for her own actions.

He shifts to the edge of the narrow bed and arranges her beside him, now kissing her forehead, her ears, her neck. She closes her eyes, wanting to feel his lips on her eyelids. His fingers move down her throat. He starts to unbutton her shirt. When he reaches the third button she holds his hand with hers.

‘Wait,’ she whispers.

The room has two dormer windows and a corner tower window. On this summer early evening it’s filled with light. Kitty is ashamed to be seen in her army-issue underwear.

She leaves the bed and pulls the blackout curtains closed. The room is plunged into darkness, but for a faint thread of light coming under the door.

She feels her way back into his arms. Liberated by the darkness, she lets his hands go where they will. He takes her shirt off, and her brassiere. She feels the light touch of his fingers on her bare breasts. Her skin tingles. Her entire body begins to tremble. She wants his touch. She wants to feel his body against hers.

‘Not fair,’ she whispers. ‘You’re still dressed.’

He pulls off his shirt and they lie together naked from the waist up, kissing eagerly. The more he touches her the more her body awakens, and the closer she wants to be to him. She knows now what will happen, and knows that she wants it. She’s been wanting it since he kissed her on Mount Caburn. Since he came back to her on the quay at Newhaven, not killed after all.

Kitty has never been naked like this with a man before. She has never made love. She’s not ignorant, there are girls in her unit who give graphic descriptions of their nights out, but every moment is new to her. She has no words for what she’s doing now other than the crude slang of toilet walls, the laughing exchanges in the training camp dorm. You should have seen his equipment! I screamed like a stuck pig. Takes a big hammer to drive a big nail .

She feels it now, swelling against her body, this mystery that is his desire for her. She pushes against it and feels it grow hard. He takes her hand and places it on the ridge it makes. She moves her hand gently up and down, learning its form by touch in the darkness. Then his fingers are unbuckling his belt and opening his trousers. Her hand slips inside to touch his naked body there . It’s warm and soft and strong and hard all at once. She holds it and strokes it, not knowing how tightly she should grip, and feels it give little twitches of response. All her body is hot now, her skin is burning. She wants him, she wants all of him. She wants him so close that he drowns her thoughts in the smell and touch and feel of him.

Now his hands are tugging gently at her skirt. Of course, she must be as naked as he is, it’s obvious. She moves quickly to unbutton her skirt, and unpop the clips on her stockings. As she does so she feels his hand between her legs, moving right up inside her knickers, and she becomes still. She wants his touch so much that she’s holding her breath. He strokes her there , and she shivers with nervous intensity. His touch makes her body new for her, as if there has never been discovered before. He explores her unknown land, he inhabits her. She lets her legs part so that his hand can move more freely over her and into her.

I’m all yours, Eddy. All of me is yours.

Now she’s undoing the hooks and eyes of her suspender belt and letting it fall away. His hands slip inside the waistband of her army knickers, blessedly invisible in the dark, and pull them down over her buttocks and thighs. She helps him with twists of her legs to get them off. Now all she’s wearing are her lisle stockings.

His hand is back between her legs, stroking, probing, burrowing. She feels for his erection, and holds it between her palms. Her eyes have become more accustomed to the dark, and the single thread of light lets her see a little. She looks up to his face and thinks she sees him smiling at her.

‘Ah!’

She gives a gasp of surprise. His fingers have found a place to touch that sends shocks of pleasure all through her body.

‘Oh, Eddy! Oh, Eddy!’

He kisses her breasts, lingering over the nipples, tweaking them with his lips. Kitty feels as if she has never had a body before, as if his touch creates it. She wants to hold him so close, so close that she ceases to exist. She wants to give herself to him and lose herself in him.

‘Darling,’ she whispers. ‘Darling, darling.’

He moves his body over hers and she parts her legs, making herself open for him, longing for him. She feels the push, the soft head nuzzling at her crotch, seeking the way in. She wriggles her hips and it finds its place, and rests there.

He lowers his face to hers to kiss her. As his lips touch hers, he gives a little push, and it’s in. Just the tip, but it’s begun.