Rona Jaffe - Mazes and Monsters

“Yes,” she said. “Actually, a few of them do.” She looked with disapproval at the clothes he had spread out on his bed. “And they dress for dinner.”

“Oh.”

“You still have a week, you can buy something decent.” She blew him a kiss and was gone.

Jay Jay opened the envelope and looked at the list, neatly printed in his mother’s perfect hand. He wished she’d put an asterisk next to the ones who had castles. He also wished Robbie could have come with them. That would have made the trip complete. But Robbie wasn’t ready yet for anything that strenuous, and besides, he was seeing a psychiatrist every day.

A picture flashed into his mind of Robbie’s father, the last day of school when everyone was rushing to get out and Mr. Wheeling had come up to drive Robbie’s car home and to pack his things. Robbie’s father had seemed so normal — a typical successful businessman type — not a bit like the fecalite. Mr. Wheeling was exactly what Jay Jay would have pictured to have an all-American son like Robbie, and look what had happened. He looked sad and worn, as if he were still surprised at the unexpected event that had shaken his life. There was only a moment to speak during the end-of-year exodus, but Robbie’s father had said to come visit when he was near Greenwich, and Jay Jay had said they all certainly would; he and Kate and Daniel, who would be coming to New York at the end of June.

“Europe will be a good learning experience for you,” Daniel’s father said. Daniel and his parents were having a leisurely Sunday breakfast in the kitchen of their house in Brookline. Everything in the yard was blooming. You could see it from the kitchen window — what his mother called her “accidental garden”—flowers and vegetables all growing together in a haphazard way. Years ago, when Daniel and Andy were little, they had planted radish and carrot seeds in among her roses, and thus it had remained, with new additions each year.

“And you’ll have fun,” his mother said. “I think people should do everything they can that’s interesting and fun while they still have the chance.”

“The chance is never over,” his father said.

“Oh, you know what I mean. While he’s young and free.”

She’s talking about Kate and me, Daniel thought. She still likes to think Kate is just a romance that will go away. He didn’t tell her that he and Kate had discussed the future: let his mother get used to Kate first. Daniel knew she would. When he’d told his parents that he wanted to go to Europe this summer with Kate and Jay Jay and had asked them for the money, they had agreed right away. He’d gotten three A’s and a B plus on his final exams, and his parents were pleased that he had worked so hard. That was another thing they didn’t know … that he hadn’t really worked very hard at all. He thought how many secrets had been kept from them through the years; some the inevitable process of his growing up and separating from them, others through his need to keep the peaceful equilibrium of their home intact. Perhaps if he had told them about the game they would have understood.

“Venice, Rome, Paris, London …” his mother said. “Eurail passes, student hostels … what energy you three have!”

“We never met Jay Jay,” his father said. “He’s the gourmet, isn’t he?”

“I guess you could call him that,” Daniel said. How could he explain Jay Jay? How could anyone explain Jay Jay to someone who hadn’t actually met him?

“Wait till you see how expensive Europe is,” his father said. “I don’t think you’ll be doing much three-star dining.”

“We don’t care,” Daniel said cheerfully.

“Of course they don’t,” his mother said. “Picnics of bread and cheese and wine … museums … art galleries … wait till you really see with your own eyes the streets and buildings you’ve only seen in photographs. The sense of history is incredible. You’ll never be the same again.”

“And Andy and Beth will be in Mexico,” his father said. “Ellie, I think you and I should take a trip somewhere.”

“I’m game,” his mother said cheerfully. “One of the nice things about being the mother of sons is that after a wedding you’re not exhausted. I’ll go to the travel agent tomorrow and get some brochures. I’d like to go someplace that’s not too hot.” She gathered up the Sunday papers they had read and began looking for the travel section. “I’m glad that story about that missing Grant boy ended and I don’t have to see it anymore. Every time I read about it I felt so upset. You did say you didn’t know him, Daniel? I guess you couldn’t — it’s such a big school — but I’m surprised because he lived right in your own dorm.”

“I lied,” Daniel said quietly.

He looked at his parents, their faces turned toward him in bewilderment, and he knew he not only wanted but needed to tell them the whole story. He’d been so tired when he came home from college that he hadn’t been able to face explaining it all and living it over again, but now he was ready.

“Why would you lie?” his mother asked.

“Because I was one of the people who played the game with him in the caves.”

“You what? ”

“In the caves?” his father said. “ You? ”

They both looked stunned; not accusing or angry, simply stunned. “ Why? ” his mother asked.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out,” Daniel said.

His father was shaking his head. “Wait,” he said. “Please … first explain the game to me. I want to know what kind of power a game can have that would make a group of normal, intelligent college students want to risk their lives.”

“Oh, yes,” his mother said. “Tell us …”

So Daniel explained the game, as best he could. It had taken him months to learn how to be a good player, so he obviously couldn’t tell them everything in half an hour, but he got across the basics, and more importantly, what the game had meant. His parents nodded; they were really trying to understand.

“I’ve thought about it a lot lately,” Daniel said. “I think the game was psychodrama.”

“Working it out,” his mother said. She kept nodding. “Yes, yes. But what problem were you trying to work out, Daniel?”

“I think the game was my way of competing without getting hurt,” Daniel said. “In real life you try difficult things, you win or you lose, and sometimes it hurts too much. We took the game very seriously but it was still a fantasy. Your character could get killed, but it wasn’t really you.”

“But it could have been!” his mother said.

“I know. And now when I look back I wonder how we could have thought life was scarier than that.”

“Who else played?” his father asked.

“Kate, Jay Jay, Robbie, and me. For Kate it was a way of not feeling helpless. For Jay Jay … I guess it was the same for different reasons. And they both liked the fantasy. Robbie was the one who needed the fantasy too much.”

“I wish you had told us,” his father said. “Maybe we could have talked about it, tried to help.”

“I didn’t even understand it myself,” Daniel said.

“And now that you do?” his mother asked.

“I just know I don’t need the game anymore.”

“And the others? That boy Robbie?”

“We’re all going to be fine,” Daniel said. He thought about Robbie again, and the stabbing — the part he had kept trying to forget — and he wondered if anyone, even Robbie, would ever find out what had really happened. They all just had to keep believing the “Killing” was part of Robbie’s imagination, like the rest of the game. He felt sick.

“Are you okay?” his mother asked, peering at him with a concerned frown.