Rona Jaffe - Mazes and Monsters

First of all, there was Daniel, and what would happen after college. He would be a senior next fall, and they had to make plans. He had been the one to bring it up. When he graduated and she was a Senior at Grant he would get a job in the East so they could spend weekends together. Then they would live together, and if it worked out …

Marriage. She was still afraid of it. She had seen too many marriages fall apart, especially her own mother’s, and there was so much pain. If it was marriage to Daniel she supposed it would have more of a chance than most, but having Daniel and then losing him was too awful to think about. He knew she was afraid of getting married and told her not to be; he wouldn’t push it. They could see how things went. Daniel was always so reasonable. Maybe she shouldn’t worry about what would happen. Two years was far away. Maybe she should talk to her mother.

Her mother was in her bedroom studying, having decided to take courses right through the summer so she could get her law degree faster. Kate knocked on the door. “Mom? Can I bother you for a minute?”

“You’re not bothering me, you’re rescuing me,” her mother said. “I was getting a headache.” She patted the bed. “Sit down.”

Kate found a place among the books and papers. “You know I told you all about Daniel.”

“The paragon.” Her mother smiled. “I can hardly wait till I meet him.”

“Well, the problem is,” Kate said, “he wants to marry me someday.”

“Why is that a problem? You have to marry somebody. It might as well be somebody perfect you adore.”

“But I don’t have to marry somebody. Maybe I’ll never get married. Let me ask you a question, and tell me the truth. When Dad left, were you ever sorry you’d gotten involved with him in the first place?”

“I suppose once in a while when I was very angry. But no … I wasn’t. Whatever we had that was good was worth it. We had you and Belinda. And we had some very happy years.”

“When you were my age, if you’d had any idea that things would work out the way they did … or that they could … would you still have taken the chance?”

Her mother looked at her in surprise. “Of course! You’ll never have any life at all if you’re always protecting yourself against some future disappointment. Life is risk. Loving somebody makes you vulnerable. That’s the way it is. But it also makes you feel alive. If you don’t make commitments you’ll miss half the fun.”

“Commitments can be broken,” Kate said glumly.

“And people can die. A lot of things can happen. But you can’t hide because the sky might fall down. After all, suppose the sky doesn’t fall down? What a waste, huh?”

Kate laughed. “I suppose so.”

“There is one thing that’s worse than being a romantic,” her mother said. “And that’s not being one. Believe me, we romantics are not going to become extinct if I have anything to say about it.”

“I really love you,” Kate said. “Even though you’re a nut.”

“Yes, well, speaking of nuts, you have to visit your father and see his new baby, and you have to bring a present, so I bought one because I knew you wouldn’t. It’s a pink bear, and it’s on the dresser in that box.”

“You bought a present for his baby?” Kate said.

“No,” her mother said sweetly, “you did.”

That was the second thing Kate had to settle — how she would feel about her half sister Laurie. You couldn’t dislike a little infant, but her father’s sex life had always made her vaguely uncomfortable, and although she had been able to put it out of her mind, seeing the living product of it might be strange. She decided to visit him the next day, to get it over with. Belinda had already been, and he had called twice, and he’d been unexpectedly nice about paying for Europe …

The den in her father’s house was now a baby’s room. All the paraphernalia of a new life was there: the crib with mobiles dangling over it, the Bathinette, the mountain of soft toys. Kate remembered that for a while she had been afraid her father and Chlorine were going to turn the guest room into the baby’s room and push her and Belinda out of his world. Sleeping on the couch in the den was not exactly conducive to frequent overnight visits. She realized she’d been expecting the worst so it wouldn’t jump up and surprise her, and she’d been unfair. Her mother was right; sometimes the sky didn’t fall. And besides, she hardly ever came to visit anyway, and would even less now that she had her own life.

“I’m nursing,” Chlorine said.

Of course you are, Kate thought. It would be a waste of those enormous tits not to. “Can I pick her up?”

“Oh, please do.”

Kate reached into the crib and took out the tiny, light creature, protecting the unexpectedly heavy downy head in her hand. The baby opened her eyes and looked at her. “Hi, Laurie,” Kate said.

Her sister … It was an odd feeling to look at this little thing and realize they were sisters. Kate was old enough to be the baby’s mother; she was nineteen now. She would have her own baby with Daniel someday. And maybe when Laurie was older they would all be friends. She suddenly felt a part of the circle of life: someone’s child, holding another child, knowing she was finally an adult.

Jay Jay was inspecting his summer wardrobe, trying to decide how much would fit into a backpack, and what he could possibly live without. He decided to take an additional canvas bag in his hand anyway. There would be hats to be bought, and other souvenirs, and he would need something to carry them in. He was so happy about the prospect of his trip to Europe with his friends that he felt stoned. He had arranged to leave Merlin in his mother’s apartment in the care of the cook, who was very fond of Merlin and said he was brighter than some people she knew. Jay Jay was sure quite a few of those people had passed through his mother’s kitchen.

“Will you miss me, Merlin?” Jay Jay asked. “We’ve never been separated this long.”

“Poor Jay Jay,” Merlin said.

“No, lucky Jay Jay. I am going to become a world traveler, and I’ll tell you all about it when I come home.”

His mother tapped gently at his bedroom door. She was dressed for the evening, in something white and cool. “Darling?”

“ Maman! C’est vous. ”

“If I’m your maman, you can call me tu, ” she said. “My little boy! I can’t believe you’re all grown up, going off to Europe with your friends. I almost feel like a crone. It’s a good thing I had you when I was so young. Next thing you know, I’ll be ready for some face work. How depressing. Anyway, I brought you a list.” She handed him a white envelope.

“What’s this?” Jay Jay said.

“Names and addresses of people to call when you’re in Europe,” she said matter-of-factly. “My friends. Nobody goes to Europe without a list.”

Her friends? Jay Jay didn’t know whether to be touched or laugh at the irony of it. She had never let him see any of her friends socially here in New York, but when he went to Venice, Rome, Paris, London … He couldn’t imagine what her foreign friends would be like, but he was sure he didn’t want to meet them. He was going to meet Daniel’s friends, and Kate’s friends, who would all be traveling too and were much more suitable for someone his age with his life.

“I wrote to them,” his mother said.

“You did?”

“I couldn’t have you springing on them out of the blue. They know you might call. You don’t have to if you’re too busy, but you might want to.”

“Well, thank you,” Jay Jay said. He decided to be touched. He wasn’t going to call them anyway. On the other hand, suppose some of them were really exotic … wouldn’t it be great to show them off to Kate and Daniel! “Do any of them have a castle?” he asked.