Margaret Sexton - A Kind of Freedom

Evelyn, for one of the first few times since her confession, felt her own joy pulsing inside her.

“I thought it was a girl, too,” she said.

“No thought about it,” her mama repeated. “Women make themselves sick to have a boy first, but the truth is,” and she lowered her voice to a whisper, “when I’m old and feeble, Brother will be off with his wife and his new family. You and Ruby will be the ones to see after me.” She shrugged. “Sons are nice in the beginning, a boy who might never leave you, but once they hit fifteen, it’s the girls you can count on.”

It was like her parents were one body, and her mama had usurped all the happiness there was between them. Mama confirmed that she relayed the information to her father, but otherwise Evelyn wouldn’t have known he knew. Just as he didn’t look in her direction before, he didn’t now. He stopped talking to her and touching her too, but the piece she missed most was the looking. They had shared so much through glances, apologetic eye gestures when Mama made a negative comment, or shining eyes when a shared joke between them cemented their love. Often when she heard him creaking through the house, she longed to go to him, apologize, assure him that she had made a mistake, but she could rectify it. All wasn’t lost. Maybe he would echo the same sentiments back to her, but he didn’t linger inside long, and before he’d leave, she’d lose her nerve.

On one of the few days she didn’t make it out to the mailbox with Brother, Brother came back in with a letter. It was only the third one she’d received from Renard, the one before it stating more of the same as the first, a little less upbeat but only in tone, and when Evelyn thought back on the words that she memorized, she actually couldn’t find any that made a difference.

She brought this one back to her room, her heart racing from walking faster than she had in weeks. She sat on the bed, fingering the envelope for a long while, holding the actual paper up to her nose and searching for a scent that she could link to Renard. There was none. Finally she splayed the paper out. Three pages, all in blue careful ink, his handwriting better than her own. She skimmed the letter first, drifting again to the last page, but she couldn’t find anything that her mind could grasp.

Finally she started at the beginning.

Dear Evelyn,

I am coming home. I can scarcely believe it. I’m afraid to. But I’ve been granted a convenience of the government discharge and I’ll be back on the 21st of January. I have missed you more than I can say, and every day that gets closer to reuniting me with you is one I want to toss away, throw back at God, say “here take it.” I didn’t want to scare you, but it has not been as great as I’ve let on. Still it’s over now. And in a few short weeks, we can be together and put it all behind us.

She felt a tightening in the bottom of her stomach. She’d been having early contractions all week, but Mama said not to worry, it didn’t mean it was time. She didn’t cry out or even grimace. She sat down and rubbed her belly.

Ruby walked in and called out to her, but when Evelyn didn’t respond, Ruby ripped the note out of her hand. She didn’t need to read the whole thing to grasp the gist.

“Oh,” she said, dropping the letter, then peeling down her slip and unzipping her girdle on one side. “Well, that’s good then.” Ruby forgot to smile though. “That’s real good. Mama will be real pleased. Daddy too, if he’d admit it. You’ll have your little family, sister.” She paused. “I’m happy for you.”

She went on talking, her words pouring out like an avalanche.

“I’m not having any children. I thought I might with Andrew when I first met him, but what if he got called off again? Then what? I’d be by myself taking care of something he had half the mind to make. I don’t think so. Wouldn’t be me.

“Don’t even make me mention what it does to your body. Have you ever looked at Mama’s stomach when she takes off her nightgown? Woo, I wouldn’t want to be Daddy or even a fly in the room. So many stretch marks sliding across that belly you’d think it was a railroad station. No, ma’am, not me. Mama’s an old lady, Daddy’s probably not even interested in that anymore, but I’m young, I’ve got to maintain what the good Lord has given me.”

She rubbed her hands over her body and let out a sharp laugh.

“Anyway, all children do is tie you down. Maybe I might travel the world the way you used to say you would. No chance of that happening anymore. Maybe I’ll take the money Mama and Daddy saved, go off to Boston University. They might accept me. They might.”

She collapsed on the bed.

“And then Renard said it hasn’t been all good. Well, he’s probably not half the man he was when he left anyway. Maybe that’s why I haven’t heard from Andrew.” She sighed. “That’s my point though. You can’t trust these men. Not you, not me. Sometimes I think they’re the weaker sex really: They’re just more prone to unnatural changes that distort their perspective and leave you all alone. Don’t think just ’cause he’s coming back you’re home free. Did he write about the baby at all? Did he say he would have it?”

Evelyn shook her head, without answering. A few weeks ago, on Mama’s urging, Evelyn had promised to notify him that she was expecting. She and Mama had decided he deserved to know, that he might fight harder knowing he had life on the other side. And Evelyn had written the words out and everything, but when it was time to seal the envelope and walk it up to the mailman’s truck, she dragged for a long time. She didn’t know why then. Now she wondered if she suspected that the fear of being a father would drive him out further from her, or worse, make him feel he had nothing to lose.

“He’s the kind of man who would own what’s his,” she said to Ruby now.

“Maybe that’s the kind of man he was, but war changes people.” Ruby looked at her, her eyes narrowed in a sliver of rage.

Then Ruby burst into tears. She put her head down.

“Don’t cry now, Ruby.” Evelyn started to stand up to comfort her, but it took too long in her compromised state. By the time Evelyn reached her, Ruby had stopped.

“I’m fine,” she said. “Nobody will ever say Ruby cried over a man, a no-count one at that.” Ruby looked down again. “It seems like everything and everybody is being taken from me, and you’re getting added to the list.”

“Oh, no, Ruby.” Evelyn embraced her. She didn’t know where this burst of love had sprung from, but she wondered if it was from her daughter, still a promise in her belly, or the vow Renard had made to return.

“It’s true. You know it’s true. You’re getting Renard back, and I got”—she opened her hands over a ball of air, then collapsed them—“nothing. I got nothing.”

“You got me,” Evelyn said.

“Yeah, right. As soon as that baby comes, and Renard gets here, you’re going to be out so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

“Oh, Ruby, who knows if he’ll even have me when he comes back?”

“He’ll have you.” Ruby nodded. “He’ll be more pleased when he sees you like this. Trust me. Everything always works out for you.”

Evelyn had wavered until that second, but her sister’s words rooted her faith. There were only so many times Ruby said anything kind, and she’d never lie just to save face. No, maybe it was true. Maybe Evelyn could relax into it: Renard was coming back. Renard was coming back. Not only that, but he’d be more excited to see she was expecting. It was going to work out.

Evelyn rubbed her sister’s back. “We’re sisters, Ruby. I’m never going to desert you.” She didn’t know how many times she repeated that, but at some point, she looked down, and her sister had fallen asleep.