Bel Kaufman: Up The Down Staircase

There I sat, Sylvia Barrett of Room 304, talking in my own language, made conscious of the dignity of my profession, made to feel, like Jose Rodriguez, that I'm "real."

I know, I know. I have a tendency to romanticize; Paul keeps telling me this. But surely, anyone interested in teaching belongs in Willowdale rather than in Calvin Coolidge?

Bea doesn't think so. Sometimes I think she is right.

When I returned to my own classes, after a day's absence, the lads seemed genuinely pleased to see me; but I suspect they were just as pleased with the bad time they had given my substitute. It seems she had arrived shrill and jittery, because the day before she had been threatened with a knife by a boy in another school.

"We gave her a nervous breakdown," Lou told me smugly.

And Paul presented me with new verses—a parody of Gray's "Elegy"—which begins:

He hasn't given up courting me with iambs.

And he hasn't given up trying to publish his exotic manuscript. A new publisher is interested, and Paul is poised for flight, awaiting word. To pass the time, he's writing the annual Faculty Frolic, which is given a week before Xmas, and at which teachers and students interchange places. I'm looking forward to seeing Mary Lewis in bobby sox.

I'm looking forward to hearing from Willowdale.

I'm looking forward to resigning from the school system.

Or am I?

I'm weary. Comfort me with letters of Xmas trees and hearth fires.

Love,

Syl

P.S. Did you know that attacks by pupils on teachers in the city schools average one a day?

S.

TO: ALL TEACHERS

WITH CHRISTMAS ONLY A WEEK AWAY, THE SEASON'S GAY AND FESTIVE MOOD DESCENDS UPON OUR FACULTY AND STAFF TOMORROW WITH OUR ANNUAL FACULTY FROLIC, "THE COOLIDGE GILBERT & SULLIVAN," WHICH WILL BE THE CULMINATION OF OUR TRADITIONAL "TEACHER FOR A DAY" DAY. I HOPE AND TRUST THAT BOTH THOSE WHO PARTICIPATE AND THOSE WHO DO NOT, JOIN IN THE SPIRIT OF PROPER ENJOYMENT OF THE LIGHTER SIDE OF EDUCATION.

I WELCOME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO OFFER EACH AND ALL OF YOU MY SINCERE AND HEARTFELT WISHES FOR A MERRY YULETIDE AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

MAXWELL E. CLARKE

PRINCIPAL

TO: THE FACULTY OF CALVIN COOLIDGE HIGH SCHOOL

DEAR TEACHER:

IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE SOME EXTRA MONEY DURING THE XMAS HOLIDAYS, WE STILL HAVE A FEW OPENINGS LEFT IN OUR AGENCY IN THE FIELD OF TUTORING, SELLING, AND ADDRESSING XMAS ENVELOPES. PLEASE READ THE ENCLOSED APPLICATION FORM CAREFULLY; JOBS ARE GOING FAST!

For Linda Rosen

c/o Miss Barrett's Letterbox—Please forward!!!

Linda!!! Are you financially embarrassed or your fingers turned numb or have you run out of stationery???? Why didn't you answer my RSVP???? You know I can't call you because your Mother listens in on the Ext.!!! Je me porte tres bien et j'espere que vous etes le meme. Vous comprenez ma language???? Voulez vous venir a ma noel party avec Bob? Mes parents ne serons pas dans la maison!!!! Nous voulons avoir un grand temps comme le dernier foi, parce que I got le "stuff", vous me comprenez, pour devenir haut!! N'est pas???? Let me know!!!!

Actions speak louder than words, so I'll sign off.

Roz

CIRCULAR # 99B

TOPIC: "TEACHER FOR A DAY" DAY

PLEASE KEEP ALL CIRCULARS ON FILE, IN THEIR ORDER

DECEMBER 18, WHICH IS TOMORROW, HAS BEEN DESIGNATED "TEACHER FOR A DAY" DAY. ONLY THE HIGHEST SERIOUSNESS OF PURPOSE AND EXECUTION WILL BE TOLERATED. ALL DISCIPLINE PROBLEMS ARISING FROM THE LACK OF SERIOUSNESS OF THIS PROGRAM ARE TO BE REFERRED TO MR. McHABE.

Dear Miss Barrett,

Since I am running for re-election next term, I'm putting this in your letter box. Please enter all my Service Credits on my PRC which is important for votes. They are, to refresh your memory:

President G. O.

Captain Cafeteria Patrol.

Elevator Squad

G. O. Store Superviser

Vice President Social Club

Secretary Glee Club

and Clarion Booster

Miss Egan said she may give me credit for laying out gauze pads and swabs in the Infirmery each morning but I don't know if she will since pressure of other work prevents me doing so.

The Students Future Choice

Harry A. Kagan

TO: ALL TEACHERS

THE TEACHERS' INTEREST COMMITTEE IS PLANNING A GALA LUNCHEON FOR THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL BEFORE THE XMAS HOLIDAYS, WHEN STUDENTS WILL BE DISMISSED AT NOON. THE COST WILL BE $2.25 PER PERSON, INCLUDING GRATUITIES, WHICH IS THE MOST REASONABLE PRICE WE COULD GET.

PLEASE INDICATE YOUR WILLINGNESS TO ATTEND BY CHECKING YES OR NO. IF YOU EXPECT TO COME, PLEASE INDICATE YOUR CHOICE BY PLACING A CHECK ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF MEAT OR FISH.

I WILL/WILL NOT ATTEND THE GALA LUNCHEON

SUPREME OF FRESH FRUIT ATTRACTIVELY DECORATED WITH STRAWBERRIES

CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP WITH GOLDEN CROUTONS

CHICKEN PATTY WITH WHITE SAUCE; TENDER GARDEN PEAS

FISH ALTERNATE:

FILLET OF SOLE CRISPLY BROWNED WITH PARSLEY POTATOES, SHOESTRING STRING BEANS

CHOICE OF VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM

PETITS FOURS

COFFEE-TEA-MILK

INTRASCHOOL COMMUNICATION

FROM: 508

TO: 304

Dear Syl—

Your letter-box is crammed to the gills, as usual; I hope I can squeeze this note in!

I'm supposed to lure you out of 304 during the homeroom period today: I promised your cherubs I'd think of something! They want to collect money for your Xmas corsage; it's traditional, and every year every teacher pretends great surprise at receiving it. (The one with the biggest corsage wins!) So be sure to drop in to my room—on some pretext or other.

Tomorrow will be wild! It would be good to fortify ourselves with a double malted after school today, but I know you're meeting with Ferone this afternoon. Let's plan to see each other during the holidays. I'll be pretty much alone, except for a couple of nights, when I am taking some of my kids who have never seen a live play to an off-Broadway production.

I understand tomorrow's Faculty Frolic is live, too!

Bea

MISS BARRETT,

Alice Blake OF YOUR OFFICIAL CLASS IS OWING THE LIBRARY THE SUM OF 49¢ FOR OVERDUE BOOK OR BOOKS ENTITLED The Idylls of the King BY Alfred Lord Tennyson UNLESS THIS SUM IS PAID AND THE BOOK OR BOOKS RETURNED WITHIN SEVEN DAYS, (HE/SHE) WILL BE PLACED ON THE LIBRARY BLACKLIST.

Dear Miss Barrett,

Just to make sure I pass here is another Extra Credit Myth I remembered! Hero and Liandor poped into my head because I forced myself to remember that Hero is a girl! But the rest of it I don't remember so well so will talk about another Psyche. She was the sister that got left on the shelf when the others got married off but an Orcle told her parents to put her on a Mount top to wait for a husband. One day Cupid came along and became her husband but said she must never look at him! Her sisters told her to take a look and if it's a monster kill it, and if not don't! When she did he was awakened and fled away. After trying to kill herself she came to Venus to be a maiden under her. After doing some tasks she became imortal and had two children. All the other teachers are forced to pass me on, Ha-ha! because I'm outgrowing all my classes so I hope you will too with all these Extras I'm giving you!