Priscilla Goslin - How to Be a Carioca

Abstain from alcohol and sex for seven days after exercising any form of simpatia.

No simpatiashould be practiced during the waning moon.

Never permit the presence of children or pregnant women when performing a simpatia.

Adhering to these few simple rules, the next Step is to simply look up your particular malady in your simpatiaguidebook and carefully follow the instructions. After all, it can’t hurt, it’s free, and it will probably take your mind off whatever it is that is bothering you. The following are a few examples of common physical, emotional, or mental ailments you, too, might possibly cure by turning to simpatia.

To remove warts:At night, take a piece of slab bacon to an ant hill. Rub the bacon over your wart three times while saving, «Disaparece, veruga»[dee zah pah ’rreh see veh ’hoo gah] («Disappear, wart»). Put the bacon inside the ant hill and leave without looking back. Soon your wart will disappear.

To cure baldness:Clip hair from your armpits, placing the hair in a glass. Add one spoon of honey and two of Coca-Cola (Pepsi will do) and mix it together into a paste. Light two candles by the glass and let it sit overnight. Note: If one of the candles goes out during the night, this simpatiawill not work. The next night, rub the mixture in the glass on your head, leaving it on for two hours. Your hair should begin to grow on the full moon of the third month after your application.

To cure a pimple inside the nose:If a pimple should develop inside your nose, gently run your fingers on the outside of the area where the pimple is developing. Heat a small white rag by holding it against a pot of boiling beans. Wring out the rag and twist it in such a way as to insert it in the nostril. Leave it on the pimple for a minute and remove. Heat the rag and repeat the process three times.

To cure allergies:Make cotton balls equalling the number of birthdays you have celebrated. Put the cotton balls in a metal container, wet them with alcohol, and light them. When the flames have extinguished, inhale the smoke, immediately collect the ashes which have remained in the container, throw them into running water, and carefully wash your hands and the container. (Be sure to place the lid on the alcohol and remove it from the area before lighting the fire.)

Simpatiais a handy cure for most anything that might ail you. To protect a home from jealousy or to find a lover for a widow are just a couple of the reasons why a Carioca will turn to simpatia. The following are examples of problems you, too, might have, but never knew how to solve:

To find a rich spouse:Gather three shells from the sea, three strands of your hair, three pieces of red ribbon, and three cloves of garlic. Wrap them together in a piece of white cloth. Go to the sea and throw it in the waves while focusing your thoughts on that rich man or woman you’ve had your eye on (but who doesn’t know you exist).

To receive long-awaited money:Locate a frog’s home and check to see if the animal is in there. If it is, cover the hole and say, «I will only open your home when I receive the money that I am waiting for.» When the money is received, free the frog. It is important you remember to do this since, if you don’t, it is certain that you will have seven years of bad luck.

To quit drinking:Place seventy-two grains of corn inside a bottle of red wine. Leave it in the cupboard for seven nights. Whenever you feel the desire to drink, open the bottle and smell the liquid for thirty seconds. Afterwards, take a deep breath, fill a wine glass with the wine, and throw it out the kitchen door.

So if you should find yourself in one of these unfortunate circumstances while visiting Rio, just tell your friends you are resorting to simpatia, and your status as a Carioca will be intact. Of course, if your problem requires more immediate care, Rio has several excellent municipal hospitals completely staffed for any emergency. (See Lesson 19, «Famous Carioca Lines.»)

Being a Carioca you will inevitably find yourself in a situation in which contact with the políciais required. Whether it be a traffic problem, an encounter with a pivete, or a robbery in your home, you can feel safe knowing that Rio’s finest, those brave Cariocas who make a living upholding the law, are always ready to come to your assistance.

For example, if you have been held up and have been relieved of your cell phone and your watch, simply locate the nearest police booth (conveniently located on many street corners), and report the incident. The police officer will then radio in to the nearest patrol car, which should arrive within the hour to take your statement and investigate the occurrence.

If you hear intruders trying to break into your apêduring the night, a quick phone call to the nearest police station should result in a couple of armed officers arriving at your door in nothing less than an hour. In the event there is no answer at the police station, or the line is busy, wait for ten or twenty minutes, and try again. (Refer to Lesson 13, «Using the Phone.») After all, the officers probably just Stepped away from their desks for a cafezinhobreak. If they are just on a break, someone will eventually answer to take your complaint, and a camburão(paddy wagon) will soon be on its way.

Often, due to uncontrollable circumstances, even the most conscientious Carioca on wheels might find himself with an expired driver’s license (or no license at all), invalidated car registration papers, an inoperable fire extinguisher, jammed seat belts, or mandatory liability insurance. If when driving your car you are pulled over by a police officer in a routine blitz, or dura[’doo rrah], and all is not in order, you are in luck! Carioca police officers tend to be extremely accommodating, and they will do whatever they can to get you back on the road with the minimum of inconvenience. Due to this obliging disposition and your being a Carioca, when finding yourself on the wrong end of the stick you’ll have the opportunity to resort to the common jeitinhoin order to quickly resolve this potentially bothersome dilemma.

How to apply the jeitinho: In order to successfully apply the jeitinhowhen pulled over by the Carioca police, first create a friendly relationship with the attending officer. Then generate a gracious atmosphere by showing your respect for his position as upholder of the law. This respect may be gained by addressing him in any one of the following manners:

• senhor[sen ’nyoh]: Sir

• seu guarda[seyoo ’gwah dah]: Mr. Guard

• autoridade[oh toh ree ’dah gee]: Authority

Obs.: Never address a police officer as caninha(cop). If you do, all chances of «resolving» your situation will be ruined.

Next, to determine whether the officer is willing to help you settle the affair amiably and with as little inconvenience as possible, simply proceed in the following manner: