Elaine N. Aron - The Highly Sensitive Child - Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them

Talk about the trait with your child . Acknowledge the problems it creates but also point out the assets. Some parents fear mentioning that their child is different. I had an European-American friend who adopted an African-American child, and when I sent the child a book about famous African-Americans, my friend returned it to me, telling me that they were not going to tell their child she was different! As if she hadn’t noticed. Ignoring your child’s difference will not work. Your silence will speak louder than words.

Think through how you want to respond to comments from others, especially when your child will overhear you . Having developed some educated and clever responses, you can be almost invincible on this topic, since most people are ill-informed. You will learn how to do this in Chapter 5. Your child will use these same responses when alone with others, and also to counter self-criticisms internalized from others when you were not around.

When your child is old enough to understand a bit more about culture and human psychology, explain about the roots and history of people’s reactions to sensitivity —how it is admired in some cultures, and that when it is not, some people, especially men, are so afraid of revealing anything like that in themselves that they become quite peculiar about it. I have been on several talk shows with macho-type hosts who seemed on the verge of nervous breakdowns while discussing this subject with me. They had weird nervous laughter, inappropriate questions, and poor concentration. They were probably reliving the day they fell down and cried and somebody blasted them with “Stop crying and act like a man instead of a mama’s boy!” Maybe you and your child can learn to enjoy these over-the-top reactions to bringing up the subject as much as I do.

Insulate your child from undo attention, praise, or pity . On rare occasions certain people may find your child’s sensitivity in and of itself to be extraordinary. But your child did nothing special to be born sensitive and should not be overly praised for that in itself or allowed to feel superior to others. Treat pity the same way, except that it is even more uncalled for. HSCs are not to be pitied. And even if they were, what counts is what we do with the cards we are dealt.

Naturally, a book like this devotes the majority of its pages to identifying and solving problems. But that truly does the HSC an injustice and does not prepare you, the parent, to recognize and revel in all the joys involved. So let’s take a moment to count your blessings.

Even the problems have a bright side . By providing the understanding and help your child needs, you will be deeply appreciated by your HSC. Your child may even promote you to others as a saint among parents. And as you deal successfully with tough issues, in the family and from outside, you and your child can have moments of deep mutual appreciation. You will share electrifying success when you help your HSC master a fear, coming out of it even more confident than another child would. You will feel like comrades when you figure out together how to respond to teasing or prejudiced comments.

Your child will make you more aware of everything , introducing you to beauty, nuances, social subtleties, and questions about life that you would not otherwise stop to consider. Even if you are highly sensitive, your HSC brings a child’s fresh and highly receptive outlook on the world. You will be looking up the answers to all sorts of questions, or looking inside for those that are only answered there.

The two of you will connect in a deeper way . Of course, a connection requires two people—you will have to learn to be receptive to those moments when your child wants to be especially close and also to those times when she needs her separateness.

You will have a child who is aware of you, both the conscious and unconscious parts, which will force you to be more aware of yourself . “Mom, why did you tell that lady you like her when you told me you don’t?” “Dad, you said you’re so tired you could drop, but now you’re sweeping the floor.”

You will see your well-raised HSC grow up capable of amazing depths of feeling and of pleasure from the full range of beauty to be known in the outer and inner worlds. He may even express it in ways that allow others to see the treasures he has brought up from these depths.

You will see your well-raised HSC make an exceptional contribution to the world , whether backstage or front and center. Because sensitive people are such keen observers and thinkers, they are traditionally the inventors, lawmakers, healers, historians, scientists, artists, teachers, counselors, and spiritual leaders. They are the advisers to rulers and warriors, the visionaries and the prophets. In their communities, they are often the opinion leaders, the ones others seek out on how to vote or solve a family problem. They make extraordinary parents and partners. They are compassionate and care deeply about social justice and the environment.

I am sure that you can add points that I have forgotten, that are the special joys you receive from raising your HSC. Quite a list, yes? So keep our motto in mind: To have an exceptional child you must be willing to have an exceptional child. And let’s get to work.

This chapter should be read by sensitive as well as non-sensitive parents. You begin by taking a self-test, for high sensitivity in adults (and discuss another important temperament that you and your child may have—high novelty seeking). Then we concentrate on both the advantages and problems you may encounter raising an HSC if you (or your partner or the other adults helping to raise your HSC) are not as sensitive—with plenty of suggestions for handling the problems. ( Chapter 4looks at the advantages and problems to expect if you are highly sensitive. )

Even though high sensitivity is an inherited trait, it is quite possible for one or both parents of an HSC to not be highly sensitive themselves. (Some close relative probably is, and that person and your child probably even have similar physical features.) To find out if you are, take the self-test now at the end of the chapter .

This chapter is important for all parents to read, since even highly sensitive parents will not always be sensitive in the same ways or to the same degree as their child. This chapter will also help you advise the nonsensitive people around your child. And you will definitely want to read it if you are just discovering that you are highly sensitive yourself, since up until now you may have had the perspective of a nonsensitive parent, as Sharon did in the previous chapter.

(Please note: For brevity’s sake I will often say “nonsensitive” rather than “non-highly-sensitive,” but I never mean it as “insensitive.” Rather, I mean it very technically: not having this particular inherited trait.)

Fathers especially need to read this chapter, whether they are highly sensitive or not, because men in this culture are more likely to have the perspective of a nonsensitive parent. That is because our culture tends to equate being a man with insensitivity—with not noticing subtleties and being able to “take it like a man,” whatever the level of stimulation, stress, or pain, even though just as many men as women are born with this trait . (By the way, if you score only in the medium range on the self-test, you may still be highly sensitive.) In my research, fathers turned out to be unusually important in the adjustment of HSCs, since traditionally they teach children how to manage out in the world.