C.J. Skuse - In Bloom

CJ SKUSEis the author of the Young Adult novels Pretty Bad Things , Rockoholic, Dead Romantic, Monster and The Deviants and the bestselling adult novel Sweetpea . She was born in 1980 in Weston-super-Mare, England. She has first class degrees in Creative Writing and Writing for Children, and, aside from writing novels, works as a Senior Lecturer in Creative Writing at Bath Spa University.

Copyright

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2018

Copyright © CJ Skuse 2018

CJ Skuse asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Ebook Edition © August 2018 ISBN: 9780008216740

Praise for CJ Skuse

‘If you like your thrillers darkly comic and outrageous this ticks all the boxes.’ The Sun

‘This isn’t a book for the squeamish or the faint-hearted … think Bridget Jones meets American Psycho .’ Red

‘This darkly comic novel…has the potential to become a cult classic.’ Daily Mail

‘ Sweetpea hits all the right buttons. A dark, twisted read about a female serial killer with dollops of humour, sarcasm and a lightweight approach…keeping you gripped and on the hook, both smiling and squirming.’ Maxim Jakubowski, Lovereading.co.uk

‘You MUST read this book especially if you like your (anti) heroes dirty-mouthed, deadly and dark, dark dark. ADORED IT.’ Fiona Cummins, author of Rattle

‘This book is OUTRAGEOUS.’ Compulsive Readers

‘This anti-hero is psychotic without doubt, sexually voracious and incredibly funny.’ Shots magazine

For Matthew Snead. From a distance,

you’ve been an excellent cousin.

‘The odour of the sweet pea is so offensive to flies that it will drive them out of a sick-room, though not in the slightest degree disagreeable to the patient.’

– A TIP FROM The 1899 Old Farmer’s Almanac

Contents

Cover

About the Author

Title Page

Copyright

Praise

Dedication

Epigraph

Sunday, 24 thJune – 7 weeks pregnant

Monday, 25 thJune – 7 weeks, 1 day

Thursday, 28 thJune – 7 weeks, 4 day

Sunday, 1 stJuly – 8 week exactly

Monday, 2 ndJuly – 8 weeks, 1 day

Wednesday, 4 thJuly – 8 weeks, 3 days

Friday, 6 thJuly – 8 weeks, 5 days

Monday, 9 thJuly – 9 weeks, 1 day

Friday, 13 thJuly – 9 weeks, 5 days

Monday, 16 thJuly – 10 weeks, 1 day

Friday, 20 thJuly – 10 weeks, 5 days

Monday, 23 rdJuly – 11 weeks, 1 day

Wednesday, 25 thJuly – 11 weeks, 3 days

Saturday, 28 thJuly – 11 weeks, 6 days

Tuesday, 31 stJuly – 12 weeks, 2 days

Wednesday, 1 stAugust – 12 weeks, 3 days

Saturday, 4 thAugust – 12 weeks, 6 days

Tuesday, 7 thAugust – 13 weeks, 2 days

Wednesday, 8 thAugust – 13 weeks, 3 days

Thursday, 9 thAugust – 13 weeks, 4 days

Friday, 10 thAugust – 13 weeks, 5 days

Saturday, 11 thAugust – 13 weeks, 6 days

Sunday, 12 thAugust – 14 weeks exactly

Monday, 13 thAugust – 14 weeks, 1 day

Thursday, 27 thSeptember – 20 weeks, 4 days

Friday, 28 thSeptember – 20 weeks, 5 days

Saturday, 29 thSeptember – 20 weeks, 6 days

Tuesday, 2 ndOctober – 21 weeks, 2 days

Thursday, 4 thOctober – 21 weeks, 4 days

Friday, 5 thOctober – 21 weeks, 5 days

Saturday, 6 thOctober – 21 weeks, 6 days

Thursday, 11 thOctober – 22 weeks, 4 days

Tuesday, 16 thOctober – 23 weeks, 2 days

Friday, 19 thOctober – 23 weeks, 5 days

Monday, 22 ndOctober – 24 weeks, 1 day

Thursday, 25 thOctober – 24 weeks, 4 days

Monday, 29 thOctober – 25 weeks, 1 day

Wednesday, 31 stOctober – 25 weeks, 3 days

Friday, 2 ndNovember – 25 weeks, 5 days

Saturday, 10 thNovember – 26 weeks, 6 days

Sunday, 11 thNovember – 27 weeks exactly

Wednesday, 14 thNovember – 27 weeks, 3 days

Friday, 16 thNovember – 27 weeks, 5 days

Wednesday, 21 stNovember – 28 weeks, 3 days

Friday, 23 rdNovember – 28 weeks, 5 days

Monday, 26 thNovember – 29 weeks, 1 day

Tuesday, 27 thNovember – 29 weeks, 2 days

Thursday, 29 thNovember – 29 weeks, 4 days

Saturday, 1 stDecember – 29 weeks, 6 days

Sunday, 2 ndDecember – 30 weeks exactly

Wednesday, 5 thDecember – 30 weeks, 3 days

Saturday, 8 thDecember – 30 weeks, 6 days

Thursday, 13 thDecember – 31 weeks, 4 days

Tuesday, 18 thDecember – 32 weeks, 2 days

Thursday, 20 thDecember – 32 weeks, 4 days

Sunday, 23 rdDecember – 33 weeks exactly

Monday, 24 thDecember – 33 weeks, 2 days

Tuesday, 25 thDecember – 33 weeks, 3 days

Wednesday, 26 thDecember – 33 weeks, 4 days

Thursday, December 27 th– 33 weeks, 5 days

Friday, December 28 th– 1 day post-partum

Extract

About the Publisher

Sunday, 24th June – 7 weeks pregnant

KNOCK KNOCKKNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK .

So there I was, red-handed, red-faced, naked and straddling a corpse. His body is covered in my DNA so even if I did toss him over the balcony onto several parked hatchbacks, the evidence would lead straight back to me.

KNOCK KNOCKKNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK .

‘Jesus Christ police have got loud knocks. Okay okay okay okay think whatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo?’ Prison is a no no. I’ve seen Orange is the New Black . I can’t do all that lesbianing. It looks exhausting.

ANSWER THE FUCKING DOOR!

‘Yeah, I guess I’m gonna have to, aren’t I?’

I fling on my dressing gown and tiptoe across to the bedroom door. The knock comes again and I jump a clear foot in the air.

For crying out loud, Mummy. This isn’t just about you now. You’ve got me to think about. Answer it and tell them you can’t speak to them now .

‘Oh yeah they’re gonna love that, aren’t they? “Sorry, Sarge, could you pop out for a couple of doughnuts while I dispose of this corpse I’ve been sleeping with, then do feel free to come back with your Marigolds on and have a good root around?” It’s not gonna wash, Foetus Face.’

KNOCK KNOCK .

Right well that knocking is getting right on my tits now so just answer it. You’ll think of something .

I’ll admit, I’d have been lost if it hadn’t been for that little voice from beyond my own vagina telling me what to do. I tiptoed across the cold floor.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK .