David Baddiel - Head Kid

First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s

Books in 2018

Published in this ebook edition in 2018

HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of

HarperCollins Publishers Ltd,

HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

The HarperCollins Children’s Books website address is

www.harpercollins.co.uk

Text copyright © David Baddiel 2018

Cover and interior illustrations copyright © Steven Lenton 2018

Cover design © HarperCollins Children’s Books

David Baddiel and Steven Lenton assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work respectively.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780008200527

Ebook Edition © September 2018 ISBN: 9780008200541

Version: 2018-08-21

To Enzo, for the idea

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2018 Published in this ebook edition in 2018 HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF The HarperCollins Children’s Books website address is www.harpercollins.co.uk Text copyright © David Baddiel 2018 Cover and interior illustrations copyright © Steven Lenton 2018 Cover design © HarperCollins Children’s Books David Baddiel and Steven Lenton assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work respectively. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins. Source ISBN: 9780008200527 Ebook Edition © September 2018 ISBN: 9780008200541 Version: 2018-08-21

Dedication To Enzo, for the idea

Part One: Old Head

Chapter 1. Inadequate Bracket Wood School had never, since it was opened all the way back in 1983, received an OFFHEAD ranking of Outstanding. Nor had it received one of Good. There was a very brief golden period, in the early 90s, when it received one of Satisfactory. But then that was found to have been a mistake – the inspector had ticked the wrong box, for which he himself got marked down to Not As Good As We Thought – and it went back to its usual ranking: Inadequate. It was, in fact, a running joke in the OFFHEAD offices – not a place where you’d have thought there’d be much joking, but at least on the subject of Bracket Wood you’d be wrong – that one day they might have to create a new ranking for this particular school: Rubbish. This was a problem for Bracket Wood because OFFHEAD, as I’m sure you all know, is a government organisation which checks that schools aren’t rubbish. Parents, as you also might know, pay a lot of attention to their reports. Some parents, in fact, spend far too much of their time reading OFFHEAD reports, and discussing them with their friends who are also parents, and worrying all the time about which school to send their children to, based on OFFHEAD reports. Some parents worry about this so much they ruin their child’s childhood. But that’s another story. This story begins with the staff and governors and parents and even some of the pupils at Bracket Wood in something of a panic. Because OFFHEAD was coming. In a month’s time. Which was even more worrying than usual. For two reasons: 1 Bracket Wood Council, Education Department, had announced, on hearing that OFFHEAD was coming again, that if the school got another Inadequate rating it might be time to think about closing the place down, and … 2 Ryan Ward.

Chapter 2. A Prince Among Pranksters

Chapter 3. No Worries

Chapter 4. Empty Space

Chapter 5. What I Propose To Do

Part Two: New Head

Chapter 6. Idle Hands

Chapter 7. I’m. Not. Rubbish.

Chapter 8. The Naughtiest Boy in the School

Chapter 9. Oakcroft

Chapter 10. Benny and Bjorn(ita)

Chapter 11. What Punishment?

Chapter 12. Even More Frightening

Chapter 13. Take Your Pants Back

Part Three: Changed Head

Chapter 14. Mr Bum Bum Bummington

Chapter 15. AAAAARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Chapter 16. No, Yan!

Chapter 17. Ryan →← Mr Carter

Chapter 18. Small Amendment

Chapter 19. A Bracketwood Flashmob

Chapter 20. Naughty Bin

Chapter 21. Meowing Like a Cat

Chapter 22. Time for the Next Lesson

Chapter 23. The How to Be a Head Teacher Handbook

Chapter 24. My Name Isn’t Doreen

Chapter 25. OH! HEADMASTER CAR-TER!

Chapter 26. This is Getting Weird

Chapter 27. All Fourteen Varieties

Chapter 28. Kind of Forgot

Chapter 29. Other

Chapter 30. BRRASSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOO

Chapter 31. A Message For Mr Carter

Chapter 32. Really Nice

Chapter 33. That’s My Problem

Part Four: Head to Head

Chapter 34. A Hubbub

Chapter 35. All Very Well

Chapter 36. Bring It On

Chapter 37. Minor-royal-face

Chapter 38. Ps Bumbumbum

Chapter 39. That Bad

Chapter 40. A Bit of a Problem

Chapter 41. Shirley OBE

Chapter 42. You’ll Be Sorry

Chapter 43. Dregs

Chapter 44. Stupid Old Oakcroft

Chapter 45. A Job Well Done

Chapter 46. OMG

Chapter 47. A Very Strong Word

Chapter 48. When You Say Guys

Chapter 49. Not. At. All.

Chapter 50. BAH!

Part Five: Head Kid

Chapter 51. Weird Music

Chapter 52. Brother

Chapter 53. Is That All?

Chapter 54. One More Thing

Chapter 55. One More One-more Thing

Coda

Thanks to

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