David Baddiel - AniMalcolm

First published in hardback in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books 2016

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Text © David Baddiel, 2016

Illustrations © Jim Field 2016

Jacket illustration © Jim Field, 2016

Jacket Design © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2016

David Baddiel and Jim Field assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work.

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

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Source ISBN: 9780008185145

Edition © 2016 ISBN: 9780008191016

Version: 2018-08-23

To Pip, Tiger, Monkey, Ron and Chairman Meow

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Part 1

Chapter One: Enormous furry ears

Chapter Two: 700 cats, 800 dogs and five giraffes

Chapter Three: Mini-coloured Munch Balls

Chapter Four: The Monkey Moment

Chapter Five: The last present

One Week Later

Chapter Six: We’re here!

Chapter Seven: Stinky Blinky

Chapter Eight: K-Pax

Part 2

Chapter Nine: Kind of green

Chapter Ten: Option C

Chapter Eleven: Benny and Bjorn

Chapter Twelve: A sudden chill

Chapter Thirteen: Manky lettuce

Chapter Fourteen: That’s porpoises

Chapter Fifteen: Hello M

Chapter Sixteen: Slurp slurp slurp

Chapter Seventeen: Catamanny story

Chapter Eighteen: So cat

Chapter Nineteen: Hey, boy

Chapter Twenty: The Dollys

Chapter Twenty-One: Goaty McGoatface

Chapter Twenty-Two: Blades at the ready

Chapter Twenty-Three: Run run run!

Chapter Twenty-Four: Brill poo

Chapter Twenty-Five: A lovely name

Chapter Twenty-Six: Bring me a manky apple

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Oh-so-clever pig

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Whaaaaaaaaarrggggghhh …!!

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Well …

Part 3

Chapter Thirty: Cute but sad and lost

Chapter Thirty-One: A horse, a piglet, two bigger pigs, three sheep, a cat and a dog

Chapter Thirty-Two: Memories

Chapter Thirty-Three: Mud

Chapter Thirty-Four: Lord King Louie’s precious pile of poop

Chapter Thirty-Five: Dominant male

Chapter Thirty-Six: Oh dear

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Splat

Chapter Thirty-Eight: A day over 148

Chapter Thirty-Nine: EIWKLTSH

Chapter Forty: Is this how it ends?

Chapter Forty-One: This army

Chapter Forty-Two: Ticky

Chapter Forty-Three: He’s Argentinian

Part 4

Chapter Forty-Four: Begins with M

Chapter Forty-Five: Free cheese

Chapter Forty-Six: Very, very faintly

Chapter Forty-Seven: Seventy-two hours

Chapter Forty-Eight: Here we go

Chapter Forty-Nine: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO

Chapter Fifty: Where’s the chinchilla?

Chapter Fifty-One: Not normal circumstances

First Coda: One week later

Second Coda: One year later

Footnotes

Acknowledgements

Keep Reading

Books by David Baddiel

About the Publisher

“Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear … Maaaalllllcolm!”

Now, this is normally the moment at which the birthday child – whose name in this case (as you may have worked out) is Malcolm – would blow out the candles on their cake.

But the Baileys – that was his full name, Malcolm Bailey – had a family tradition, which was that they also sang ‘Happy Birthday’ when giving the children their birthday presents. So this song wasn’t being sung at a party, and it was not accompanied by a cake. It was just Malcolm’s mum and dad (Jackie and Stewart), his grandpa (Theo), his teenage sister (Libby) and his little brother (Bert), on the morning of his eleventh birthday, standing in a circle, in the living room, round a box, covered in wrapping paper (which actually did have printed candles on it).

Malcolm waited for the singing to finish. It was a bit of an annoying tradition, to be honest, because what he wanted to do was tear open that wrapping paper. Because he knew that inside the box was what he really, really wanted: a laptop computer.

He had given his parents the exact specification. An FZY Apache 321. Hi-Def screen. 4.0 GHz processor speed. Quad speakers with Nahimic virtual surround sound. The fastest and coolest and baddest laptop on the planet. He could almost see it in his hands, touch its LED display backlit keyboard.

“… Happy birthday

Toooo …

You!”

Smiling at his family, Malcolm reached over to pick up his present.

Finally , he thought.

“For … he’s a jolly good fellow!

For he’s a jolly good fellow!”

Malcolm leant back, away from the present, still smiling, but through gritted teeth. Do they normally do this bit? he thought.

“For he’s a jolly good fellow …

And so say all of us!”

“Great! Great singing, guys! Good job! Thanks!” said Malcolm, reaching forward for the present again.

“And … so say all of us!

And so say all of us!

For he’s a jolly good fe-eh-llowwww …

And …

So say all of us!!”

His mum and dad and grandpa and sister and brother harmonised – surprisingly well, actually – on the word us , making Malcolm think the song must, at last, be over. Not wishing to be disappointed again, he waited five seconds, in case it wasn’t. But everyone was just smiling. In fact, his mum was nodding, encouragingly, at the present.

Great , thought Malcolm. And tore open the wrapping.

Oh yes! That computer! With its shiny sleek aluminium cover! And its hyper-sensitive touch pad! And its enormous furry ears!