Zara Stoneley - The Wedding Date - The laugh out loud romantic comedy of the year!

‘Oh.’ I am deflated. He’s right, it is crazy.

‘I dunno, it seemed a bit odd, I’ve never done anything like this before.’

‘Believe me, nor have I.’ I’m not sure if he believes me or not, he’s giving me a strange look. ‘Honestly.’ I’m very worried about what Amy might have said. It might have been along the lines of ‘sex-starved and desperate woman I met while I was having a cut and blow.’

‘I believe you. Honestly. Er, you’re gripping my hand a bit, I think my fingers are going blue.’

Sugar, I’ve been hanging on to his hand for dear life. Willing him to say yes. Which is why he’s looking at me strangely. Not because Amy has told him I’m sex-starved. Or maybe that as well.

‘Sorry.’ I let go. ‘But you did, er, agree to meet me.’

‘I did.’

‘You’ve changed your mind?’ If he says he thinks I’m out of my mind now that he’s heard the full story, then my whole plan is scuppered and I’ll be going to the wedding alone. Or with combover Desmond. I have a sudden desire to grab his hand again and plead. But I don’t. I grab a piece of the brownie and stuff it in my mouth to stop the words from forcing their way out.

‘Okay, I want to be upfront with you here, which I guess is best seeing as this is just business?’

The ‘just business’ bit jars a bit, I was hoping he found me a teeny bit attractive and wouldn’t keep reminding me that he is only here for the money. I notice he’s totally reclaimed his hand, and it is now wrapped round his mug of coffee. You see, this is the problem with dating an actor, isn’t it? You don’t know which bits are real and which bits are, well, acting. He might not have been genuinely angry about Liam, he might just have been practising his art.

The truth? He is only here for the money, and I am only here, walking the dog and swallowing too many calories (I have a maid of honour dress to fit into, and sewing in a strip down the side would be so uncool), because I am desperate.

But we still don’t need to spell things out and be too honest, do we? I mean, I’m not going to be completely honest and start saying that although he’s gorgeous, his ego is probably bigger than my spare room. That he is no doubt shallow and big-headed and thinks every girl will fall at his feet, that we are totally unsuited in every single way. Am I?

‘I’m not sure we need total honesty.’ After all this whole thing is dishonest, and so is business. I sell holidays for a living, and let’s face it, there is a tiny bit of stretching of the truth now and again. What you see isn’t always what you get. Infinity pool and tin bath on the edge of a cliff aren’t the same in everybody’s eyes.

‘I think we do need the whole truth.’ He grins. ‘How many times do you get a relationship where you can be totally honest? No white lies.’

The man has a point. ‘O-kay.’ I can take this, I am strong.

‘Well, like I said, at first I told her to get lost.’

‘Oh.’

‘My sister can be bossy, and I don’t like being told what to do.’ His eyes glint.

Bugger. He’s going to hate ‘the rules’, if he ever gives me chance to come up with some.

‘But though I hate to admit it, she is right, it is the perfect distraction.’

‘The perfect distraction from what?’ I can’t help myself, I mean, any normal person would want to know, wouldn’t they?

‘Life.’ There’s a wry quirk to his mouth, and he moves on before I can push it. ‘And then of course, I saw you.’

‘Saw me?’ This was sounding better.

‘Stalking me.’

‘Ahh.’ Worse.

‘In the restaurant, and Amy seemed to know you, so I grilled her. I’m intrigued.’

Intrigued isn’t quite ‘knocked off my feet by your presence’, but it’s a start I suppose.

‘And you sealed the deal out there with Tank.’ His eyes are all lit up and shiny. Which could be his brilliant acting skills, a sip of too hot coffee, or just the fluorescent lights. ‘I couldn’t sleep with a girl who doesn’t love animals, dogs in particular. That’s why I thought this would be a great place to meet.’

‘Sleep?’ I’ve gone all croaky. I don’t love Tank, but we can skip that for now.

‘Sleep. I presume you don’t intend staying awake for a whole week so you can keep an eye on me?’

‘Well no, but…’

‘And we will be sharing a room?’

‘Well, yes, but … just sleep, as in sleep?’

‘As in sleep. Unless you’re offering?’ I don’t know whether he’s just teasing, or he’s the one that is sex-starved.

‘I most certainly am not!’ I definitely need rules. ‘Sleep, bed, asleep, fine.’

‘Fine.’ He grins. ‘You were great with Tank, I love a girl with guts.’

‘I don’t need loving.’ It’s killed me to say it, when he’s looking all cute and nice, but it’s a fact. He’s not a date. I will keep reminding myself of that, before things get complicated. That’s rule number one.

‘Everybody needs loving, Sammy.’

‘I need rules, and don’t call me Sammy or I’ll call you snakey Jakey in public.’ He’s grinning. That might not quite work over the wedding breakfast though. Unless it’s said in a lip-licking way, which is frankly not how I should be thinking.

‘I have er, rules…’ Best to get it over with now, if we’re going to be totally honest.

‘Rules?’

‘No, er, loving.’ He raises an eyebrow. ‘Or sex.’

‘Is this with you, or in general?’

‘Ever!’

His eyebrow goes higher.

‘Not ever, ever. Just while we’re at the wedding. You can’t go off and shag the other guests. If Liam hadn’t gone off waving his willy in the wind, then … don’t you dare laugh!’ I glare, and he holds a hand up in surrender.

‘No laughing going on here. Promise.’ He’s gone all serious again. ‘But I don’t think it’s waving it in the wind that was the problem.’

He has a point. But if the one-eyed trouser snake had stayed in the cheating bugger’s trousers, then I wouldn’t have to be here, doing this. Splitting up is one thing, splitting up because your boyfriend has put his other girlfriend up the duff is another. ‘No sex in general.’ I know I’m muttering, and stabbing marshmallows like I’d like to stab a certain person’s dangly bits. ‘You’re supposed to be my boyfriend. My adoring boyfriend.’

‘Smitten?’

‘Totally. Yes, that’s rule number two. How could you not be?’ I’m going to have to write these down before I forget them.

‘How could I not be?’ I can hear the smile in his voice, and when I look up from my hunt-the-marshmallow search, he’s grinning.

‘Exactly. Stop laughing at me.’

‘That’s honestly a rule? The smitten bit? You just added that one.’ He is grinning in a way that suggests he might not be very good at sticking to rules. ‘How about we forget rules? We just need to get to know each other a bit.’

I knew he wasn’t the type to stick to rules. ‘The no sex rule is non-negotiable.’ But if I don’t see this through, then I’ve had it. This is make or break. I’m running out of time.

‘Shame, but who says I want sex anyway?’

I decide to ignore that bit. It was him that mentioned the loving bit, I just embellished. I mean that’s how it goes, isn’t? Love, sex, marriage? ‘So, you will do it?’

‘Look, Sam.’ His smile looks a bit sad. ‘I’m not being flip here, but I really get how you feel. I know what it’s like to be betrayed, I know how shitty it is.’ He’s looking past my right ear, and there’s a hint of that harshness back in his voice but this time it’s tinged with something else. Hurt. His gaze drifts back to my face, and he looks straight into my soul. ‘What you’re doing is incredibly brave.’ The smile lifts, and his tone softens. ‘Far braver than tackling Tank. And I love that you’re such a good friend to this Jess.’