Christian O’Connell - The Men Commandments

THE BIBLE FOR BLOKES FROM THE DADDY OF BREAKFAST RADIO

CHRISTIAN O’CONNELL

To all the men . Past, present and future . This one’s for us .

BY

JAMES NESBITT

‘What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals – and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?’

Shakespeare knew his onions. Four hundred and one years after Hamlet so deftly defined man’s complexities and insecurities, his pride and self-loathing, his capabilities for good and evil, we’re none the wiser. In fact, in 2008, this is much worse. Hamlet was jammy enough to die a hero. His dad was dead, though appeared once nightly as a ghost during the summer season. His mum married his uncle, so clearly they both had to die, he had sex with his girlfriend then mistakenly stabbed and killed her father, who was hiding behind the curtain, or ‘arras’ as Shakespeare called it – he obviously didn’t know his ‘arras’ from his elbow. She went mental before doing the decent thing of drowning herself before he had the ‘we need to talk’ nightmare, and then in his death throes after he had been pierced with a poison sword, his best mate Horatio held him in his arms and snogged him. Thus ensuring Hamlet died happy in the knowledge that he had tried everything.

But modern man. We have to live. Every day we have to live with ourselves, our partners, our children, our friends. And we don’t know how to. We’re scared. We’re lost. How did it come to this?

How did we arrive at a situation where we spend more on grooming products than we do on beer?

Why do our mates openly discuss their feelings while our wives debate the offside trap? Why, despite our embracing of liberal modernity, do we still have no control over the groin area?

If we publicly cry more than Charles Ingalls in an average episode of Little House on the Prairie , does it demonstrate how in touch we are with our feminine side or do we appear weak, pathetic nonces?

Why do our children change from adoring little angels to sulky ten-year-olds, embarrassed to even breathe? And why in God’s name at the age of 43 do I still suck my thumb? We need answers. Desperately.

For years women have had everyone from Mrs Beeton to Germaine Greer to Bridget Jones. Men have had no one. Until now.

Christian O’Connell looks like Jerry Seinfeld’s younger brother but with bigger teeth. And has a fondness for wearing muscle tops. Not an obvious candidate for our knight in shining armour, but don’t be fooled.

Our friendship is based on abuse. I listen while he abuses me. But I like to think it’s borne out of love. He is as at home in the company of women as he is in the company of men. He is funny, irreverent, scathing, at times coruscating but never cruel. Very much the modern man.

He has not, however, fallen prey to the dumbing-down culture which so pervades our society. Intelligent, kind and erudite, he is a devoted husband and father. But at heart he is a man’s man and is the answer to our prayers. With Christian, men can regain their identity and walk proud and tall. His wife’s man, his daughter’s man, his friend’s man, he’s my man. He’s Christian O’Connell.

Three things happened in a week that made me think I needed to write this book. First, my newspaper had a headline screaming ‘The Redundant Male’. Next was my wife’s sinister cackling while reading her new book, How to Kill Your Husband . The final insult was turning on the TV and seeing that advert for Sheilas’ Wheels offering cheaper car insurance for those oh so careful women drivers. Discrimination. And during Heartbeat .

ENOUGH.

At no other time in history have men been so openly ridiculed – and we have only ourselves to blame. We have never been so confused about how to be a man.

Sure, there are countless books offering insights into the female condition but precious few for men. Until now.

This book is about how we are as men. When we are alone. With our mates. With women. With the TV and movie heroes that have taught us everything we know.

I would like to make it crystal clear that this is not any kind of instruction manual: none of us would read it and I wouldn’t be sitting here writing it.

I

This is a book for men. These days it’s hard to tell who is a man and who isn’t. This handy quiz may help.

1 Instructions are for:ReadingLosers

2 Did you cry in Rocky III when Apollo died?Who is Rocky and what is Apollo?For days

3 You are invited to attend the motion picture Sex and the City by your other half. Do you:Happily say you’d love to go. Two and a half hours with the fab four sounds like heaven!Say, ‘I’d rather rub a cheese grater across my scrotum’

1 It is one in the morning and you return home after a night out with your mates. Do you:Retire to bed with a warm glass of milk and an oat biscuitFire up the frying pan and start to cook despite the fact you cannot see or stand unaided

2 A phone conversation with a mate will:Go on forever sometimes!Finish within a minute and in that time words will often be replaced by a complex system of grunts, mumbles and silences that only men understand

3 How much time do you spend in front of the mirror getting ready?Several minutes following an intense cleansing, toning, exfoliating and moisturising programmeLess than a minute

4 The best time to call an ex is:Never. Best to let bygones be bygones and move onWhen you’ve had a skinful and are feeling horny

5 What are you better at recalling?Birthdays, anniversariesEntire lines and scenes from movies like The Godfather, Police Academy 5 and anything starring Steven Seagal

1 What is the real purpose of the remote control?To change the channels remotely from a distanceTo flick around the moment the ads come on and try and see everything else that is on, but to never settle for more than 1.7 seconds on anything

2 TV detectives Starsky and Hutch and Bodie and Doyle from The Professionals are having a fight. Who will win?Starsky and HutchBodie and Doyle

3 You are stuck on a desert island and suddenly discover a DVD player. You have been alone for 76 days. There is only one DVD to watch: The Godfather: Part III. Do you:Watch itGrab the nearest coconut and smash the copy of Godfather: Part III to pieces, screaming, ‘How could they do this? They ruined it!’

4 Which is better, Star Wars or Harry Potter?Harry PotterStar Wars because 1) Princess Leia appears in chains in a gold bikini and 2) Han Solo is a space pirate

5 When was the last time you cried?Just last week when your supermarket ran out of shaved parmesan During an episode of Rolf’s Animal Hospital when a brave but sick dog died