Christian O’Connell - The Men Commandments

1 I should go and collect some rock samples so mankind can learn about the life forms up here

2 I should see how far I can hit a golf ball into space with a gold-plated six iron and film it

b) is what Expedition 14 commanders Michael Lopez-Alegria and Mikhail Tyurin went for. Boys together. In space. Hitting golf balls. Doing important work.

In case you’re wondering about the gravity during the shot, Lopez-Alegria held Tyurin’s feet, which were affixed to a ladder. Tyurin carried three golf balls, but only had time to hit one of them before ground flight controllers instructed the spacewalkers to proceed to their other tasks.

I love that. He held his feet. Don’t tell me we fear intimacy. Here we have two grown men, astronauts who have trained for years, for crying out loud, who agree that one will hold the other’s space boots. Playing Intergalactic Golf. It’s a real shame that the boring ground controllers made them ‘proceed to their other tasks’ rather than hit some more balls. What could possibly be more important than this task? There is, however, a sad end note to this.

The golf ball did not travel in the full retrograde direction, away from the space station, as intended. Instead, Tyurin shanked the ball.

So we go from ‘One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’ to ‘Told you you should’ve used the five iron, dickhead.’ Even in space men together will do something stupid. It’s the collision of man molecules. You ask Professor Hawking. I bet the Hawkman, when he gets together with his mates, arses about like any man.

Time after time, research findings conclude that women have deeper and longer-lasting relationships than men. And have more friends. We apparently have superficial friendships that consist of mumbling into cold beers and never saying anything of any emotional worth.

Scared stiff of saying what we really feel, we keep it all in. Then have heart attacks and explode, leaving all our mates going, ‘He never said anything was up.’

So women say we don’t communicate enough. However, it is my serious contention after years of intensive research that men use a far higher dimension to communicate with each other. It’s a previously undiscovered man bandwidth we operate on. The Manwidth. I will be taking my incredible findings of its existence around the world.

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