Christian O’Connell - Radio Boy

First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2017

HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd,

HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

The HarperCollins website address is: www.harpercollins.co.uk

Text copyright © Christian O’Connell 2017

Illustrations copyright © Rob Biddulph 2017

Cover design © HarperCollins Publishers 2017

Christian O’Connell and Rob Biddulph assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work.

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780008183325

Ebook Edition © 2017 ISBN: 9780008200572

Version: 2017-01-17

To my mum and dad, Liam and Jenni. Thanks for always encouraging my dreams and never laughing at them, even when they included becoming:

Boxing middleweight champion of the world

World BMX champion

A DJ

If your parents laugh at your dreams, sack them.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2017 HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF The HarperCollins website address is: www.harpercollins.co.uk Text copyright © Christian O’Connell 2017 Illustrations copyright © Rob Biddulph 2017 Cover design © HarperCollins Publishers 2017 Christian O’Connell and Rob Biddulph assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work. A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins. Source ISBN: 9780008183325 Ebook Edition © 2017 ISBN: 9780008200572 Version: 2017-01-17

Dedication To my mum and dad, Liam and Jenni. Thanks for always encouraging my dreams and never laughing at them, even when they included becoming: Boxing middleweight champion of the world World BMX champion A DJ If your parents laugh at your dreams, sack them.

Chapter 1. Fired!

Chapter 2. Gateaux Chateau

Chapter 3. I’m an O-list Celebrity

Chapter 4. ‘Pirate party in my pants’

Chapter 5. Loser FM

Chapter 6. Mae Geri!

Chapter 7. Chess Club Nightmares

Chapter 8. The Next Chapter

Chapter 9. Merit Radio

Chapter 10. The Supermarket Detective

Chapter 11. Like Magic Really

Chapter 12. Shop-o-rama

Chapter 13. The Best Shopping Trip I Ever Went On

Chapter 14. Shepherd’s Pie Swamp

Chapter 15. How to Start Your Own Radio Show in Your Dad’s Shed

Chapter 16. How to Do the World’s Worst Radio Show

Chapter 17. Elvis is In the Shed

Chapter 18. The Secret Shed Show Launches and Sets the World on Fire

Chapter 19. The Rise of Radio Boy

Chapter 20. Homework Hell

Chapter 21. Fish and Face

Chapter 22. An Angry Monkey

Chapter 23. In

Chapter 24. No Singing Chipmunks

Chapter 25. A Brilliant Mistake I’m About to Make

Chapter 26. Captain Invisible Nerd

Chapter 27. Oh Very No

Chapter 28. The Most Wanted Boy in the School

Chapter 29. Diary of a Fugitive

Chapter 30. The World’s Worst Apology

Chapter 31. The NET Closes

Chapter 32. The UNMASKING

Chapter 33. The Fallout

Chapter 34. Too Many Apologies

Chapter 35. Do the Right Thing

Chapter 36. The Dream Team Rides Again

Note from Me, the Writer of this, Spike Hughes

Footnotes

Acknowledgements

About the Publisher

‘You’re fired.’

I stared at the man sitting opposite me. The programme controller of St Kevin’s hospital radio. Barry Dingle, or ‘Bazza’ as he insisted we call him. No one ever did.

‘What?’ I said. ‘But I haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘I … I know that, Spike. But you can’t work here any more. I’m sorry.’

What kind of a man sacks an eleven-year-old boy from his dream job? A monster, that’s who.

‘ Why? ’ I spluttered. Later, on the bus home, when I replayed this moment in my mind (as I will do for the rest of my days), there were many things I wished I’d said to the bald-headed man ruining my life. Such as:

1. You’re a monster.

2. Technically, you can’t actually fire me as I’m a volunteer.

3. My mum said you live in your mum’s basement. Who’s the bigger loser here?

4. Have you got any tissues as I think I’m going to cry?

But I didn’t say any of that. Annoyingly, my face was letting me down. My bottom lip had started to wobble, and my eyes flooded with tears. The tears of a dreamer who’d just had his heart RIPPED out, put into a blender and then force-fed back to him. My fantasy of being a famous DJ with a detached house and gravel driveway (and personalised gold-plated headphones) was no more.

Barry Dingle was firing me from the only hour of joy I had in my life, my radio show.

The Wacky Kids’ Wonder Hour , Saturday mornings at 6am. Maybe the name of the show hadn’t helped. For the record, it came from ‘Bazza’, not me. But I loved doing that show. It was sixty minutes when for once I felt I was funny and good at something. It was the highlight of my week.

Well, it had been.

Sure, it was only hospital radio, and most people don’t even know hospitals have their own radio stations. But they do: run, for the most part, by overly enthusiastic volunteers with bad breath and sandals. The thing was, I’d read in all the interviews with my favourite DJs that they’d started off in hospital radio. I collected these interviews in a special folder under my bed, safe from my sister’s prying eyes. Codenamed ‘My Favourite Stamps’. I’d learned my lesson after she found a notebook I’d been practising my autograph in.