Lottie Phillips - The Little Cottage in the Country

‘All done. He just said get there a bit early to register and I told him we would because we’d need to sink a couple for Dutch courage.’

‘Classy.’

‘You’ll love me for it when you find the love of your life.’

‘I’m past it. Look at me. I can’t even remember what goes where.’

Diane wiggled her eyebrows. ‘Darling, it’s not rocket science. I’d imagine even you would figure it out.’

Anna grew serious. ‘I’m just not ready. I don’t trust them.’

‘Men?’

‘Hmmm.’ She sipped at her wine. ‘I mean, Simon ruined my appetite for any of them.’

‘Simon? Simon?’ Diane slapped her thigh. ‘Now, you can’t judge all men by Simon. He’s a commitment-phobe twerp. End of. But he did one thing for you…’

‘Gave me two gorgeous children.’

‘Exactly.’ Diane punched her playfully. ‘So, it’s time to unhook the chastity belt…

‘Again.’

‘Yes, again, and we can all be happy.’

‘All of us?’ Anna arched a brow. ‘When were you going to tell me you’d lost your stints at the magazines and were having to give up your flat?’

Diane’s head dropped. ‘I was going to tell you. Well, obviously, I had to tell you, but I knew you were going through your own hard time.’ She choked back a sob and looked at Anna, her eyes glistening. ‘Yeah, they let me go from both titles a couple of weeks ago and then I tried to get in contact with Tracey about working on the film set, and she’s been ignoring my calls.’

‘Then Barry phones you?’

Diane nodded quickly. ‘Yeah, he did.’

Anna sat up straight. ‘Why weren’t you honest with me? Why didn’t you tell me all this?’

‘Because you were so happy about moving to the country and… and… I felt stupid.’

‘Why did you pay for the food earlier then? I mean you can hardly afford it.’

She dipped her head. ‘It’s the least I can do.’ Sniffing, she added, ‘Sorry.’

‘And how much money do you have now?’

‘One hundred-odd.’

Anna sighed, held out her hand and took Diane’s, squeezing it. ‘Well, looks like we’re broke and in this together.’ She moved her head slowly from side to side. ‘I don’t think Barry’s idea is going to work. I mean who wants to read about someone moving to the sticks?’

‘He thinks you’re the next Bridget Jones.’

Anna snorted. ‘Well, he’s got some bits right… The big knickers for a start.’ Anna tried to make Diane smile but it wasn’t working. ‘Listen, I’ll text Barry now. Tell him we’re going speed dating and that I’ll get his first column over to him for the weekend run.’

Marigolds and Marmoset(ters)

The twins hadn’t stirred and Anna could still hear Diane snoring next door. She looked out of the master-bedroom window at the distant hills and startling pink and purple sky as the sun made its way up. She was revelling in how calm the world appeared in contrast to the twenty-four-hour bustle of London when she heard an almighty scream from above.

Anna ran up the stairs, two at a time, to find that Freddie and Antonia were, in fact, awake and now pinned up against their bedroom wall, their eyes round as saucers, fixed on the something in the centre of the room. Anna’s eyes darted across the floor and she, too, froze.

A mouse stood stock-still on the rug. These were the moments she desperately wished she wasn’t a single mother. Wasn’t this a job for men? Diane’s reprimanding voice filled her thoughts. ‘There’s no such thing as jobs for men and jobs for women. We can all do everything, only women can do more.’

Diane snored on and Anna refused to call out in distress. But, Anna thought, this woman couldn’t catch a mouse and was likely to have a heart attack if she tried.

This was where Anna knew she was meant to turn into a superhero mum who would say, ‘Guys, it’s only a mouse. He’s cute and furry and not going to hurt you.’ Only she didn’t. Instead, having eyed a light sabre leaning against the wall, she said, ‘OK, you two sneak very carefully along the wall and onto the landing. We don’t want him to run at us.’

Could a mouse run at them? She acknowledged that, perhaps, the little rodent was no bull, but it was everything she hated in rodents and insects: erratic. A bull, she figured, would be easier to deal with, surely. A bull made it pretty obvious when it was ready to come for you: steam out of its nose, pawing at the ground with its front hoof. A mouse didn’t offer these clues.

They nodded and Anna watched her children creep with their backs along the wall towards the door, until Freddie, out of nowhere, leapt at the mouse, sending their new furry friend scuttling in Anna’s direction. Her suspicions confirmed, she fled, almost as quickly as Usain Bolt, out the door.

‘Freddie!’ she called from the landing. ‘Are you two OK?’

Diane emerged from her bedroom, panda-eyes and still a trace of yesterday’s fangs. ‘What the hell is going on? Thought it was meant to be quiet in the country.’

Anna could hear Antonia crying in the bedroom and knew she had to attend to her children. She snuck back in and whispered, ‘Where is it?’

Freddie, with a glint in his eyes, announced it had gone and pointed at a crack in the skirting board. ‘It’s gone, Mummy.’ He smiled. ‘You’re a scaredy-cat.’

There was no denying it. ‘All right, Ninja, breakfast time,’ she said and led her brave little soldier into the bathroom to find Antonia.

‘I hate mouses,’ Antonia said, sitting on the loo seat.

Anna picked them up, one twin under each arm and made their way down stairs. Once they were settled in their chairs, she grabbed the juice and milk from the fridge, plucking some sugar-rush-inducing cereal off the side.

‘ Sugar Puffs ,’ she read aloud. ‘Why do I think this can only end badly?’ She put the box on the table.

Diane had removed the black rings from around her eyes and joined them. ‘Coffee, be a love.’

Anna sighed. ‘What did your last slave die of?’

‘I figure if I’m to be your slave today, then the least you can do is make me a coffee.’

‘OK.’ Anna filled the hob kettle. ‘You guys hear that? You are my witnesses that Diane Johnson hereby declares she will be my slave today.’

Diane smiled. ‘Yeah, well, I’ll even clean the toilets if it means you join me in the pub tonight.’

‘I can’t just leave the children,’ Anna pointed out.

‘I’ve sorted that.’

‘What?’ Anna turned. ‘Sorted how?’ she asked, narrowing her eyes.

Diane looked at the twins. ‘Do you guys mind if you get a babysitter this evening?’

Freddie shook his head. ‘Only if she has stickers.’

‘Oh, she’ll have stickers and I’ve heard she’s going to bring…’

Anna put a firm hand on Diane’s shoulder and nodded towards the door. Once in the front room, Anna said, ‘Who the hell is this babysitter? They’re my children, Dee. You can’t just arrange stuff like this without coming to me first. You know, I like to know who’s looking after my children.’ She nodded. ‘It’s not a game.’

Diane let out a belly laugh. ‘Yes, I know. That’s why I phoned your mum.’

‘What?’ Anna raised her voice. ‘My mother ? She doesn’t even like them. I mean…’ She shook her head. ‘That’s not strictly true. She thinks they’re like accessories.’

‘No,’ Diane said quickly, ‘that’s in your head. She adores them. She told me so. In fact, we had a nice chat.’

‘When was this?’

‘After you went to bed last night.’ She grinned. ‘We both agreed that if you got out more you’d realise it’s not normal to be in bed by nine.’