Lottie Phillips - The Little Cottage in the Country

‘Excellent.’ Richard nodded at her. ‘So, you’re a vampire and you two are…’

‘Peppa Pig,’ Anna said quickly. ‘Only we didn’t have enough pink for their entire faces.’

Diane scowled. ‘I am not…’

Anna stepped firmly on her toe and Diane let out a squeak. ‘I guess we’d better be going. Farm.’ Anna smiled manically. ‘Soon. Definitely.’ She backed off quickly, taking Diane firmly by the arm.

‘Right, wine and then we go,’ she whispered hotly.

‘God,’ Diane said, her fangs moving up and down as she spoke, ‘what’s got into Compton?’ She peered more closely at Anna, who was busying herself with the label on some Pinot Grigio.

‘Do you know this one?’ Anna held up the bottle. ‘Lychees. It’s got lychees in it. We like lychees, don’t we? Or…’ She moved hurriedly along the aisle. ‘Maybe we should just get more Merlot. I mean, why mix the poisons?’

‘God.’ Diane stepped in front of Anna, blocking her view of the wines. ‘You don’t just think he’s hot. You’re smitten with el Ricardo. Compton’s only gone all mushy and girly on me.’

Anna looked at her. ‘Well, you know, he’s nice. That’s all I’m saying.’

‘He is nice.’ Diane nodded and started chanting under her breath. ‘He is niiiiiiice. Capital N. Capital I. Capital C. Capital E. Nice.’

‘Oh, didn’t realise you were literate,’ Anna said, smiling.

‘Did we ruin your moment?’ Diane grabbed a couple of bottles of Sambuca off the shelf. ‘For old times’ sake.’ She held the bottles up.

‘No.’ Anna went to put them back. ‘That’s not my life any more.’ She looked at the twins.

Diane nodded solemnly, putting them back. ‘You’re right,’ she said, picking up a three-litre box of wine. ‘We must at least pretend not to be alcoholics and there is no easier way than with the silent box. No embarrassing clanking of bottles on recycling day. Oh yes, my friend.’ She held the box up as if in an ad. ‘You too, ladies and gentlemen, can fool your neighbours into thinking you’re a saint.’

Anna burst out laughing. ‘Come on, you. The children need feeding and we need an early night because tomorrow we start on the house.’

‘Meaning?’

She hooked arms with Diane. ‘Meaning mops, dusters and toilet cleaner.’

Diane pulled a face. ‘Top bags dusting.’

Freddie came running back over from the next aisle with a bottle of Captain Morgan in his hands. ‘Mummy, look.’ He put it in the trolley. ‘It’s what pirates drink.’

Diane headed for the checkout. ‘God, I love your kids.’

Rural Speed Dating

A couple of hours, later Diane had unpacked her bags; in other words, she had taken them upstairs and laid her make-up out on the bathroom shelf. Anna had finally got around to setting the twins up in the bedroom at the top of the cottage. Its sloping ceilings were going to be the death of Anna but Freddie and Antonia could bounce around totally unaware. She had made the beds and placed Freddie’s blue quilt with the ship over his bed to the left. He had chosen the bed nearest the window because, as he was a ninja, he would be ready to protect Antonia. On Antonia’s bed, Anna had spread the pink quilt with the pony. It looked warm and cosy with the nightlight she had brought with them.

Diane was upstairs telling them a bedtime story after their bath and Anna was cleaning up the remains of supper. She had made spag bol, or something vaguely resembling a spag bol, and the children had eaten half an orange each without complaint. Anna hadn’t fed them any greens or fruit since they arrived and was convinced the early stages of scurvy were setting in. She could hear the children’s laughter from the top of the house and hoped Diane wasn’t getting them overexcited so that they wouldn’t sleep at all. Anna listened at the bottom of the stairs and heard Diane shout, ‘Then he only went and bit off a live chicken’s head.’

Oh bum.

Her phone started to buzz in her pocket, interrupting her thoughts, and her heart lifted at the fact that someone from the ‘outside’ was trying to contact her; perhaps they weren’t so remote after all. She looked at the screen. Barry.

Oh bum, again.

‘Hello?’

‘It’s Barry.’ His voice filled the phone. ‘How was the move?’

‘Fine, thanks.’

‘Is Diane there?’

‘Yes.’ Anna rolled her eyes. ‘She’s here.’

He giggled excitedly. ‘Great, great.’ He breathed heavily. ‘Now, thing is, Compton, I need your column to start in this weekend’s paper.’

‘Barry, I’ve only just arrived.’

‘Yes,’ he said, ignoring her. ‘And what have you got so far?’

‘Barry…’ She was sterner now. ‘I’ve only just arrived at a house that needs a serious dose of TLC, I’m trying to settle the twins and, other than meeting a couple of locals and receiving a letter from my aunt, nothing’s happened.’

‘Well, thing is, I really need this.’ He suddenly sounded desperate. ‘ The Post is going under unless I can come up with something that makes us stand out.’ He paused. ‘Now, I’m not saying your move to the country is going to chime with all our readers, but if you were prepared to give it a bit of welly…’ He stopped, barking out a laugh. ‘Welly? Get it?’

‘Yes,’ Anna said, through gritted teeth.

‘Well, basically, I’m sure Diane has told you she’s lost her job with the magazines and that she’s having to give up her rented flat in London?’

Anna took a sharp intake of breath. ‘Yes, of course she has,’ she lied, glancing up the stairs.

‘Right, well, we all need each other right now.’ He stopped, drew breath. ‘I’m out of a job if I don’t make this newspaper sing and you two clearly need the money. Can we do this?’

Anna heard Diane stirring on the stairs. ‘Barry, let me call you back in the morning, OK?’

A couple of minutes later, Diane trooped down the stairs. ‘I love your children. They’re like the perfect audience.’

Anna handed her a glass of wine and headed over to the sofa. ‘Look what I found on the mat.’

They sat, side by side, on the sofa, legs tucked underneath them.

‘What is it?’ Diane flipped the small orange pamphlet over and over in her hand. ‘It’s just some local business advertiser.’

‘Yes, but look on the first page.’

Diane opened it and read: SPEED DATING AT THE ROSE AND CROWN. She broke into a grin. ‘Are you kidding me?’

Anna shrugged. ‘You wanted to have fun. There you go.’

‘I’m sensing the singular here. What about, we want to have fun, and why don’t we go?’

Anna smiled. ‘Maybe I’m getting old or maybe because I’m a mum.’

Diane rolled her eyes. ‘Jesus, someone play me the violins already. You’re thirty-two with fantastic children and now you own your own house, albeit a bit of a dump.’

‘Thanks.’

‘But you’ve got everything going for you.’

‘Except a man.’

Diane nodded. ‘Exactly, my friend. Except a man.’ She got up and fetched the box of wine off the side. ‘See, told you, you can refill your glasses and no one is any the wiser.’ She squirted the wine into the glasses, spraying Anna liberally in the process. ‘OK, so that’s it, we’re both going.’ She read quickly. ‘It says “to book, ring this number”. Are you going to do it or am I?’

‘You go by yourself.’

Diane flicked her hair. ‘Where’s the fun in that?’

‘Well, it’s not like we’re going to be speed dating each other,’ Anna pointed out. ‘If you want a drink with me in a pub, then we just go to the pub.’

Diane stood and put her glass on the coffee table. ‘Whatever.’ She grabbed the pamphlet, fled from the room, up the stairs, to Anna’s room. Anna could hear Diane’s voice, muffled, and then laughter. Minutes later, she padded back down.