Gael Lindenfield - The Positive Woman

With much love and admiration, I dedicate this book to

my daughter Susie who this year takes her first steps

into the world as a positive woman.

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

List of Exercises

Introduction

Part 1: Laying the foundations

Chapter 1: Basic philosophy

Chapter 2: Becoming positive in the quest for self-knowledge

Chapter 3: Healing the hurt

Chapter 4: Kicking the negative thinking habit

Chapter 5: Kicking negative habits of feeling

Chapter 6: Kicking negative habits of behaviour

Part 2: Getting equipped

Chapter 7: Improving your physical well-being

Chapter 8: Improving your self-presentation

Chapter 9: Developing your skills and knowledge

Part 3: Getting into action

Chapter 10: Revitalizing personal relationships

Chapter 11: Give your lifestyle a management boost

Part 4: Practical support

Chapter 12: Positive action strategy

Chapter 13: Relaxation, meditation and creative visualization

Chapter 14: Asserting yourself

Further reading

About the Author

Index

Acknowledgements

Copyright

About the Publisher

Who am I?

How negative am I?

The emotional story of my life

‘Unfinished business’

Self-nuturing

The GEE strategy

Face the FACTS

Mind Map note-taking

Brainstorming

Mandala meditation

Interpreting your dreams

The irrational culture

Positive experiences

Credo of beliefs

My fear

My losses

Beating jealousy

My anger

Taking the initiative

Contingency planning

Refusing the bait

Assertive communication

Beating addiction

My style

My education

Subconscious influences on my relationship

Nourishing love

Surviving separation

Negative aspects of my friendships

Time wasting

Home management

My work objectives and patterns

My present job

Am I a potential entrepreneur?

My leisure

No, I don’t think I could write a book on positive thinking .

Gael Lindenfield, 1988

But here it is – and so yet another nail goes into the coffin of my negative demon! But I’m glad that I can still recall, and own, this initial response to a suggestion from my publisher. There are two reasons for this: firstly, it reminds me of the tremendous power which negative conditioning can exert on our minds; and secondly, it illustrates how important it is to have positive strategies with which consciously to fight such a destructive force!

As a therapist, I am probably more aware than most people of how negative thoughts, feelings and behaviour can seriously limit and damage our chances of both health and happiness. I have seen with my own eyes plenty of evidence to back up the research which is now proving the power of the mind’s influence over the body, and I note that many people from other professions are also acknowledging this. For example:

• Even the most medically or surgically orientated doctors are listening to evidence which suggests that positive thinking bolsters the immune system and encourages the body’s self-healing capacities.

• Cynical and sceptical die-hards of the business world are becoming convinced that a positively orientated work force thinks more creatively and has more energy than one which is depressed and fearful.

• Teachers are realizing that pupils learn more effectively when there is an emphasis on positive stimulation rather than destructive punishment.

• Coaches are fostering optimism and hope in their athletes, knowing that they can run faster, jump higher and shoot goals more accurately if they believe they can win.

So why should I initially have made such a negative response to my publisher’s suggestion? The reasons were, I believe, both cultural and personal. The personal causes lie deep in my own personality structure. I emerged from childhood with major doubts about my own self-worth and the ability of the world to offer me any happiness or success. These doubts continued to be strengthened as I proceeded to disappoint myself with impossible challenges and cynical friends throughout my early adult years. Fortunately, one day as I reached the very depths of despair, I became aware that I had the choice of life or death, and that if I was to take the responsibility for living seriously I would have to take control of my personality. With not inconsiderable help, I taught myself to recognize my negative reactions, control them and replace them with a more ‘healthy’ positive approach.

The cultural reasons for my hesitance were mainly to do with my gender as a woman. At that time, the subject of positive thinking was most closely identified with the kind of success that is measured chiefly by bank balances. Its famous gurus were men preaching to ambitious work-orientated men; whereas I, being a typical female from the caring professions, had spent a career helping ‘the underdogs’ (mainly women) cope with much more mundane everyday personal problems with partners, parents, children, colleagues and friends. Now, just a few years later, men and women are moving much more freely between each others’ traditional worlds. Many of my clients are now men – and I even run personal development courses in that hitherto ‘alien’ world of big business!

As a result of this cross-fertilization of ideas and experiences I am very aware that there are vast numbers of both men and women who are in need of strategies to keep them feeling and acting positively. In this day and age of multi-national commercial and governmental organizations, with the break-up of traditional family patterns and bitter philosophical, political and religious debate, who doesn’t at times feel powerless and defeatist?

Firstly, I think that women have a special need for positive strategies. For several decades we have been riding on the difficult but generally optimistic waves of the liberation and feminism movements. We now seem to be entering a new era. There is evidence of a backlash to our protests and progress. We can observe a current trend of looking back nostalgically at old values and wondering whether women ‘have gone too far’. There is, for example, a revival of media and government interest in old-style family patterns, a cry for women to solve the unemployment problem by returning home to care for their ‘neglected’ children and elderly parents, disgust at American female soldiers who go to war with pictures of their babies on their hats, renewed interest in the anti-abortion and anti-contraception campaigns, and outspoken opposition towards women’s ordination. We also hear that more women are resorting to drugs, prescribed or otherwise, becoming criminal, violent, suffering from heart attacks, becoming addicted to nicotine and alcohol, and risking unwanted pregnancy and Aids.

At the same time, in spite of the rise of ‘New Man’ images and ideas in the 1980s, we see many men and boys girding up their macho loins. Jokes about ‘Women’s Lib’ are commonplace, while there is an increased interest in combat games and dress amongst boys, and open cynical questioning about how the ‘New Man’ is supposed to cope with his feelings in the face of enemy gunfire.

These kinds of trends in the current times of severe economic and political stress mean that women’s newly established rights and liberties may be in serious danger, so I believe that because of this situation and our long history of putting others before ourselves, we need the help and support that positive thinking and action strategies can give us. Learning how to empower ourselves by making the most effective use of our personal potential is vitally important if we wish to continue to assert our rights and find ways of capitalizing on the more optimistic social trends. We can take heart from noticing, for example, that green and peace issues are being routinely debated in the political world, and that there is a noticeable move towards a more caring, facilitative and participative management style in many major organizations. It is to our advantage that these trends are in line with feminine values and skills.