Gael Lindenfield - The Positive Woman

• Trusting– because they have a high degree of self-knowledge and sound values, they are able to trust themselves. They do not feel continually disappointed or surprised by their own feelings and actions and are therefore able to make full use of their spontaneity and intuition. They enjoy meeting new faces and are able to put their trust in others because, unless there is proof to the contrary, they believe that most people are good and have enormous potential. This means that they are both willing to lead and be led.

• Industrious– because they have belief in themselves and their potential and are optimistic about outcomes, they are well motivated and can work with enthusiasm and energy. They try to ensure that their work is meaningful and rewarding so that they tend to enjoy rather than resent it. As they are keen to be working in peak form most of the time, they ensure that they look after themselves both physically and mentally. They are keen to stretch the limits of their potential so they make certain that they use all the educational and training opportunities available to them.

• Versatile– because they are confident of their own ‘core identity’, they are able to move easily in and out of many different roles and make full use of the various sides of their personality. They are able to be logical and rational but also very creative and resourceful. They do not easily get stuck in ruts or become obsessional or phobic, but are open to new ideas and a whole range of different experiences and viewpoints.

• Encouraging– because they do not feel threatened by others’ success, they are willing and able to enthuse and lead. Without standing on a pedestal, they are willing and able to share the secrets of both their personal and public achievements and therefore can be an inspiration and guide to others. People feel safe to take risks and make mistakes in their presence because they do not demand perfection and are open about their own limitations. They want to take active steps to make the world a fairer, safer and happier place for everyone and, because they look after themselves well, they have the energy to care for others and engage in reforming or revolutionary projects.

I am convinced that the above are not mere figments of my idealistic imagination! They are traits which I have observed in numerous people who are leading happy, satisfying and socially useful lives. Some of the most famous examples are quoted throughout this book, but there are many others who live quietly but contentedly and productively out of the limelight.

I also see many people striving to achieve these qualities but often finding themselves frustratingly blocked, in spite of their supreme effort and motivation. Some of the resistance comes from outside forces, but often it is internal. Many people are becoming increasingly aware that their own negativity is blocking their potential to be the kind of person they want to be.

The sad fact is that very many people find themselves:

– afraid to take risks, so they stay in the same boring, unrewarding job or damaging relationship

– unable to take responsibility and assert themselves so that their children, colleagues or boss walk all over them

– giving up on their appearance and health by letting their body ‘go’; perhaps becoming overweight, drinking too much, wearing themselves out, not bothering to ‘dress up’ or face the hairdresser’s

– becoming increasingly isolated and lonely, as their friendships deteriorate and no new ones are formed

– getting more rigid and obsessional in their thinking and losing touch with their creativity so they are passed over for promotion

– not bothering to vote, so they get the government they don’t trust

– too busy, too worn out or too despairing to give time to ‘good causes’ so they begin to project their guilt outwards with ‘aren’t they awful’ and ‘isn’t it terrible’ ineffectual moans.

No-one can say exactly how many women are suffering in this way but, judging from my post bag and other contacts, the numbers in Britain alone must be in the millions. Some people, of course, only get the ‘black phases’ occasionally and can cope by just waiting until ‘it passes’, but many others find that their negativity gradually creeps up on them until it is in danger of dominating their general thinking and lifestyle. My guess is that therapists like myself only ever see the tip of the iceberg, because most women in this state, even if they were well informed, would feel too ashamed, lethargic, despairing, cynical or powerless to believe that there was a way out of their negativity.

I do not believe that some people enter this world as ‘born pessimists’ or ‘born losers’. I know that social and economic factors do give some of us a fairer start than others, and I also acknowledge that many of our general personality traits, such as our inclination towards extrovert or introvert styles of behaviour, are probably governed by our genetic inheritance. But I remain convinced that our basic attitudes towards ourselves and the world do affect the kind of life we find ourselves experiencing.

Our attitudes are programmed into our personality through ‘messages’ which we receive during the impressionable years of our childhood, and are then strengthened and reinforced by our experiences in adult life. These ‘messages’ are given to us directly or indirectly. For example, we may be told directly that we are ‘great’ or indirectly made to feel ‘great’ because of the way our parent figures responded to us. Similarly we can learn to see the world and the people in it as threatening because that is what we are told or because we have been repeatedly threatened ourselves. These ‘messages’ then become stored in the subconscious part of our mind and personality and will generally guide our feelings and behaviour. This is often referred to by therapists and psychologists as the ‘automatic pilot’ within us.

If our ‘auto-pilot’ has been programmed by negative ‘messages’ and experiences, we will often find ourselves sabotaging our attempts to feel and act positively. This is particularly true if we are under stress or are feeling frightened or threatened because it is then that we tend to fall back on our ‘auto-responses’.

Of course, there are many factors in our lives as adults which can cause us to view ourselves and the world negatively. The experiences of being continually discriminated against, becoming seriously ill or handicapped, being economically deprived, tragically losing a loved one, being the victim of a robbery or traumatic sexual abuse can all have very powerful negative effects, but certainly we have a much better chance of recovering our strength and hope if our basic attitudes to ourselves and life are positive.

I was a first child, wanted and loved … I am fortunate in that I am not a person of depressive temperament. When you become disabled I think it accentuates whatever your personality is. If you are of a depressive nature, you may become more depressed .

Sue Masham

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often .

Winston Churchill

I know change is possible because, as I have already indicated, I have experienced it first hand myself, and have been witness to very many ‘transformations’ in other people. Although I know that, at heart, I was the same person 25 years ago as I am now, my ‘personality’ appears and feels radically different. I may not have become the model of positive perfection I outlined earlier, but I do now genuinely like myself, feel I have vast reserves of untapped potential to help myself and others, enjoy and respect the vast majority of people I meet, appreciate the beauty of the world and am capable of responding positively to its many challenges. This is a very different picture from the bitter cynical young woman who bungled several suicide attempts when the mood-lifting pills, alcohol and various ‘princes’ let her down!