Ellen Fein - The Rules 2 - More Rules to Live and Love By

We had to write The Rules strictly, like a strict diet book, because we knew women would break them. You always sneak in your favorite high-fat meal or a piece of chocolate cake on Saturday night. With such strict rules, even if women broke the occasional rule, they could still reap the benefits of doing the rest.

Even therapists, whom we were sure would find the “be mysterious” part of The Rules objectionable, are actually recommending the book to their clients (see Chapter 8). They agree that the openness and honesty so necessary in therapy do not work in the initial stages of dating.

Are The Rules too marriage-minded? No, just realistic. Many women want to get married, and why not? It’s great to have a wonderful man to share your life with—end of story. We’re not telling women they’re nothing without a man. It’s just that many women feel that if they don’t marry a nice guy, they’re missing something. It’s a fact. This is how they really feel. It’s not a moral issue. Can they be happy without a husband? Sure. Can you be happy without taking vacations? Sure, but why would you want to?

We are not advocating marriage at any cost. On the contrary, in Chapter 17, “Buyer Beware,” we explain how to determine if he’s Mr. Right. This is a thinking woman’s guide to marriage. This is not about being a Stepford wife.

Indeed, The Rules represents a change in attitude about dating, a new spirituality that is sorely needed today. It’s going against nature when you chase a man, sleep with him too soon, or beg him to marry you. He may end up mistreating you, even if he marries you. He may never forgive you for trapping him and treat you badly.

Conversely, when you do The Rules on a man who initially showed interest, he gets to fall in love with you and value you. He does not take you for granted. Every phone call and date is precious. He never feels trapped or that you pressured him to marry you because he did the calling, the pursuing, the proposing.

Rules marriages are happy marriages. Rules husbands make wonderful partners for life. They are attentive and involved husbands and fathers. They change diapers, help the kids with their homework, and plan family vacations.

The Rules work. They really do. That’s why women who want to be happily married—or at the very least, in a loving relationship—are living by The Rules —and loving the results!

You’ve been friends for ages. Now, for whatever reason, you’ve decided he’s The One. Can you turn a friend into a boyfriend?

Only if he really always liked you, but you or circumstances prevented the friendship from developing further. For example, you never wanted anything more until recently, or you were both dating other people. Maybe you couldn’t imagine him as a boyfriend because of age differences (he’s much older or younger than you), personality differences (he’s artsy, you’re a business-type), or you come from different backgrounds.

How can you be sure he always liked you as more than a friend if you’ve just been friends?

There are certain things a friend does or says when he is drawn to you. For example:

He always just happens to be in your neighborhood or business area. He likes to watch Friends in your apartment. He likes your TV set better. If you are coworkers, he’s frequently drinking water from the fountain near your desk. If you’re in college, he’s always hanging out outside of your dorm room or is often at the dining hall when you’re there.

The bottom line: when a man is attracted to you, he finds ways—excuses—to be near you. We’re not exaggerating when we say, whoever’s near you likes you! You don’t have to look far or wide to find him. He’s always hanging around. You can’t get rid of him!

When a friend wants to date you, he doesn’t talk about other women, even if he’s dating someone else. He never seems to notice other women, even your very attractive friend. If, in fact, he is attracted to other women, he tells everyone but you. Around you, the words will just not come out, they stick in his throat.

While he’s private about his own love life, he wants to know about yours and asks a lot of questions. He wants to know the type of guy you like to date and what you like to do on Saturday night. He makes it sound as if he’s just curious, no big deal, of course, but he’s really figuring out how he’s going to use that information to make a move one day. He thinks anyone you’re dating is not good enough for you. He’ll even put them down (“His father got him the job.”).

When a male friend is really interested in you, he tries to be helpful. He offers to show you how to play tennis or how to work the computer. He might help you move your stuff from one apartment to another or listen to your work or roommate problems without expecting anything in return. In fact, he never expects you to help him with anything, unless it’s an excuse to stay connected to you.

If he likes you as more than a friend, he’ll tease you, flirt with you, and make you laugh. He thinks your short-comings are cute.

He means more than he says. He tries to be cool around you, but he’s really quite nervous.

When a male friend is not interested in you romantically, he behaves quite differently. He’s calm, rational, matter-of-fact. You can take everything he does and says at face value.

He asks you for advice about dating another woman because he really wants your advice! He’s simply interested in a woman’s perspective. He’s not secretly in love with you or bringing it up to get closer to you. He talks freely about liking other women. He might even say in front of you, “She’s really cute.” He doesn’t think he could be hurting your feelings because you’re his friend. You’re like his sister—there’s no sexual undercurrent.

When a male friend likes you as a friend, he’s not that interested in your love life. He’s satisfied with your friendship. If you’re not dating anyone, he might offer to fix you up with someone, but he doesn’t want to go out with you himself. He doesn’t want to start anything, he feels no spark.

If you’re having a problem with the guy you’re dating, he will try to help you “work it out,” as opposed to helping you get out of the relationship! He’s not angry if he sees you with other men because he’s not interested in you romantically. He wants to see you happy. If he’s a little jealous when you have a boyfriend, it’s in the same way a close girlfriend might be. Your relationship reminds him of what he doesn’t have and takes time away from your friendship with him. It’s a friendship loss, not a romantic loss. This, however, doesn’t mean he wants you. You’d know if he did—if you thought about it honestly or read this chapter.

When a male friend is just a friend, he helps you as much as you help him. He’ll show you how to read a financial statement, you’ll teach him how to cook. Everything’s dutch treat. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship.

A male friend might even be your best friend—someone who would be there in a pinch if you ever needed him. He would lend you money to pay your rent, visit you in the hospital if you had an accident, or come to the funeral if a family member died. But he doesn’t look down the street when you walk away, try to stare at you when you’re not looking, or secretly dream about having sex with you. And such feelings on a man’s part are essential in the beginning of a romantic relationship!

If he likes you only as a friend, there is nothing you can do about becoming his girlfriend. Don’t try to convince him by having a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings because it will probably put a strain on your friendship. He will feel awkward or sorry for you, but he still won’t feel a spark. He may try a “let’s sleep together” once or twice. But it won’t mean much to him and you, if not both of you, will come to regret it.