Sue Welfare - Fallen Women

‘Whoa,’ said Chrissie, grabbing Kate’s arm. ‘That’ll do very nicely, thank you. Can you just wrap him up, pop him in the trolley and lead me to the checkout? Is there a photo? What sizes does he come in?’

It was funny, or at least they all laughed – all except Joe.

Before Chrissie had shown up, and Kate was still fluffing the table and sorting the kids out, Joe had come through into the kitchen carrying the wine and a few more beers for the cooler.

‘I wish you’d asked me before inviting people round for the evening,’ he said, levering the fridge door open with his foot.

‘Oh for God’s sake, they’re not people, they’re Bill and Chrissie.’

‘You know what I mean and you know how I feel about Chrissie, Kate. You ought to be doing this computer dating thing when I’m not about. She’s, she’s – Oh, Christ, I don’t know.’

Kate lifted an eyebrow. ‘What, Joe? A bad influence? Trouble? A nasty rough girl? Why don’t you just spit it out and get it over with?’

‘You know that isn’t what I mean – she’s always in debt, credit cards whacked up to the hilt, one man after another. She ought to get herself sorted out. Those boys of hers must wonder what the hell is going on half the time.’

Kate stared at him in astonishment. ‘The boys are great, Joe, you can’t say that. She’s been through a tough time.’

‘Most of which is her own bloody fault.’

Kate paused, about to leap to Chrissie’s defence, and then considered for a few seconds before nodding. ‘Okay, maybe you’re right, sometimes she does weird stuff and makes bad choices – but it doesn’t matter, she’s still my best friend. Come on, we’re really lucky to have friends living so close –’

‘It’s your country roots showing. Kate, getting on with the neighbours is not what Londoners do best,’ Joe sniffed. ‘So, you really think you ought to be doing this?’ He picked up the sheet of paper where Kate had jotted down lonely hearts web-site addresses from an article she’d been reading in the Mail .

‘I’m not doing it, Chrissie is.’

Joe pulled his world famous don’t-prat-with-me face. ‘You know what I’m saying here, Kate. This is like giving a psychopath a loaded gun.’

At which point the doorbell had rung. Kate went to answer it to get away from Joe, and met Bill and Chrissie standing on the doorstep, each of them clutching a bottle of New World red.

‘You’re not trying to fix me up with Bill, are you?’ asked Chrissie suspiciously, eyeing him up and down. He was looking particularly tasty in faded jeans and a black tee-shirt, a well-worn leather jacket hooked on one finger slung over his shoulder.

Kate grinned, kissing first one and then the other. ‘Good God no, I like you both far too much to inflict you on each other. Come on in. Supper won’t be very long. Joe’ll get you a drink.’ And once he had, they had all crocodiled off to Kate’s office.

‘Maybe I should order one as well, get something with a little more get up and go?’ Kate said, throwing Joe a sideways glance. Since they’d arrived he’d been concentrating on playing his guitar, sulking, picking his nose and drinking his beer. Looking up, he grimaced in a way that implied Kate really shouldn’t push her luck.

‘Maybe I ought to have a look myself,’ he replied.

‘Maybe you should,’ Kate snapped right back. ‘If you think you could find some other mug who’d put up with you.’

Currently they were slap bang in the middle of one of Joe’s moody tortured artist phases. It was always the same when he’d got a well-paid bread and butter job that he considered a piss-take of his musical talent. Maybe, Kate thought, staring him out, willing him to look away first, under the circumstances it ought to be bread and margarine. But whichever it was he’d given her the whole soulless artless world speech earlier in the day, the one about how great men have always been paid peanuts for artistry and magic and mega-bucks for popsy-pink cute commercial drek. How he was worth more than this creatively, far more. Not that he was planning to turn the margarine commercial down, obviously.

‘Can you pair finish your row later?’ snipped Chrissie, ‘I’m famished.’

‘Just a couple more questions,’ said Kate

‘Age?’

‘Over thirty-five and under fifty, own teeth, and nothing that unscrews at night. I’ve only ever sent off for books and CDs, till now,’ Chrissie paused for effect. ‘Do these guys come with a no-quibble guarantee?’

‘Only if you haven’t tampered with the packaging,’ said Kate.

Across the room, Joe snorted.

So they finished off the questions and Kate nipped out to check on the food, while Bill checked the form through.

Joe followed Kate into the kitchen. ‘This is totally and utterly crazy,’ he hissed, pulling another beer out of the fridge.

‘What is?’

‘What do you mean what is ? She’s got crap taste in men. She’ll end up picking some nutter and we’ll be the ones sitting up till three in the morning listening to her going on and on about how bloody awful he is to her.’

‘You mean, I will,’ Kate said, pushing a thick tendril of dark red-brown hair back behind her ear. She kept it long even when it was fashionable to have a crop or a bob. Naturally wavy, her hair framed a gamine face and huge grey eyes. Handsome rather than pretty, Kate Harvey had a face that lingered in the mind like a tune. A sensual bluesy tune that is, not popsy-pink cute commercial drek.

‘Well, don’t say that I didn’t warn you. You know what she’s like.’

‘And exactly what am I like, Joe?’ Chrissie said, right on cue, as she stepped in to the kitchen behind him.

He spun round, reddening furiously. ‘I was just saying you need to be careful with this dating stuff, meet somewhere public. We’ve all read things in the papers.’ He was speaking fast, the words crisp, sharp and defensive. ‘Don’t give them your address or phone number. You don’t know who they are, they could tell you anything. Anything at all.’

Nice recovery, Kate thought, stirring the curry.

Chrissie lifted her eyebrows. ‘Oh right, and so real live men, talking face to face, always tell you truth, do they, Joe?’ She poured herself another long shot of Archers.

‘No. You’ve got to be careful, that’s all I’m saying.’

Chrissie rolled her eyes heavenwards as if to say she didn’t need nannying by anyone, least of all Joe. ‘How long till we eat?’

‘Few more minutes,’ replied Kate.

Back in the office, at the computer, Bill was still reading through Chrissie’s application form. ‘Do they have women on here as well ?’ he asked, as Kate and Chrissie came back in.

‘Uhuh, in fact just about anything your pretty little heart desires.’ Kate slipped back into the seat as Bill vacated it and moved the cursor across to one of the menus.

‘Here you are, darling, no need to go without, what are you looking for? Male, female, bisexual, gay, lesbian, transsexual, transvestite. If you can’t find anything you fancy there, Bill, they’ve also got a category “Other, please specify”.’

‘Sweet Jesus.’

‘You want to knock yourself up a profile while we’re here?’ Kate asked with a grin

‘Not at this precise moment, no.’

‘So did we miss anything out?’ Kate enquired, glancing back at the screen.

‘Do you only want to see profiles of members with photos?’

‘Oh yes,’ said Chrissie, who was on a roll now. ‘I’d like to see who it is I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.’

Joe shot Kate another warning glance.

‘I’d take a chance if I were you,’ Bill was saying, ‘looks aren’t everything.’