Chris Evans - Memoirs of a Fruitcake

CHRIS

EVANS

The Wilderness Years 2000–2010

(plus a bit before but it didn’t sound as good)

HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street, London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2010

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

© Chris Evans 2010

Chris Evans asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

All photographs are courtesy of the author with the exception of the following:

Plate 1: Page 1, middle left: PHOTOGRAPH BY GARRETT BRENNAN/CPI, CAMERA PRESS LONDON; Page 1, bottom left: PHOTOGRAPH BY GARRETT BRENNAN/CPI, CAMERA PRESS LONDON; Page 3, above right: © Starstock/Photoshot; Page 5, middle left: courtesy of Gordon MacGeachy; Page 5, middle right: courtesy of Gordon MacGeachy; Page 5, bottom right: © Talking Sport/Photoshot

Plate 2: Page 11, below right: Neale Haynes/Contour by Getty Images; Page 12, below: © Jackie King; Page 10 middle right: Jeff Moore/Jeff Moore/Empics Entertainment; Page 13, below: © Brian J. Ritchie/Rex Features; Page 15, above left: courtesy of the Radio Times; Page 15, above right: © The One Show; Page 16, © Rankin

Endpaper photographs © Camera Press/James Peltekian; Getty Images; Daily Mirror/Mirrorpix; Press Association Images; Starstock/UPPA/Photoshot; Rex Features; Shutterstock

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

HB ISBN 978-0-00-734568-7

TPB ISBN 978-0-00-734569-4

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Ebook Edition © SEPTEMBER 2010 ISBN:9780007345724

2016-11-30

To my mum Minnie, my daughter Jade, my son Noah and most of all to my wife Natasha, who put up with me spending six months in the garage with my past instead of spending six months in the house with the present.

And to my balls, which thankfully I still have after Tash capitulated on her threat to cut them off if I hadn’t finished this book before our summer holidays in Portugal, something I failed spectacularly to do.

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction: Top 10 Highlights of My Tale So Far

Part One: Memoirs of a Fruitcake

Top 10: ‘Turns’ I Have Employed

Top 10: Things a Proprietor Should Never Do

Top 10: Crazy Things to Do With Your Money

Top 10: Must Haves When I Built My Dream House

Top 10: Restaurants I’ll Never Forget

Top 10: Unforgettable Showbiz Moments

Top 10: Things That Come in a Bottle

Top 10: Perks I Gave Out as a Boss

Top 10: Dodgy Decisions I Have Made

Top 10: Ways Drinking too Much Leads to Fooling Yourself

Top 10: Quotes to Get You Through Moments of Doubt

Top 10: Things Drinking Can Destroy

Top 10: Facts About Sleep

Top 10: Bad Things That Can Happen When You’re Drunk

Top 10: Things People Often Think I Am But I’m Not

Plates 1

Part Two: When Billie Met Chris

Top 10: Ways to Know You’re in Love

Top 10: Fab Hotels I’ve Stayed in

Top 10: Things That Make a Wedding Brilliant

Top 10: Really Bad Career Moves that I Have Experienced

Top 10: Reasons Why I Love California

Top 10: Celebrity Encounters

Top 10: Great Things to Do with Your Money

Top 10: Visionaries

Top 10: Things I Love About Britain

Top 10: Turkeys I Have been Involved in

Top 10: Things to Do When the Shit’s About to Hit the Fan

Top 10: Saturday Night Television Treats

Top 10: Moments When You Know You Have to Let Go

Plates 2

Part Three: The Return of Radio Boy – Take Three

Top 10: Things I’ve Gotten Away With

Top 10: Fruitcake Moments

Top 10: TV/Radio Jobs I Have Turned Down

Top 10: Things I’ve Learned About Marriage

Top 10: Johns/Jons/Johnnys/Jonnys/ Johnnies/Jonathans I know

Top 10: Things I Wanted as a Kid

Top 10: Things I Love about Ferraris

Top 10: Things that Can Happen When You Fail to Confront an Awkward Situation

Top 10: Things to Bear in Mind if You Ever Get Your Own Radio Show

Top 10: Most Pivotal Messages I Have Ever Received (in Chronological Order – Not in Order of Importance)

Top 10: Things that You Learn to Accept as You Grow Older

Top 10: Best Things About the Mornings

Top 10: Things a Producer Does for a DJ (Well, Mine for Me, to be More Precise)

Top 10: What ifs About Taking Over Europe’S Most Popular Breakfast Radio Show

Postscript Top 10 Things I Still Want to do

What next?

Also by the Author

About the Publisher

10Born with ginger hair and glasses to Mum and Dad (Martin and Minnie) in Warrington in 1966

9Younger brother to Diane and David

8Father died of cancer when I was thirteen and life changed – soon afterwards, I obtained my first job in a newsagent’s

7Heard Timmy Mallett on the radio, fell in love with the wireless

6Secured job at Piccadilly Radio in Manchester, as tea boy

5Moved down to London, worked at BBC Greater London Radio

4Was chosen to front The Big Breakfast with Gaby Roslin and Zig and Zag

3Created Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush, followed by TFI Friday, for Channel 4

2Took up post as host of Radio 1 Breakfast Show, walked out after a year (idiot)

1Bought Virgin Radio from Richard Branson after borrowing £85 million

NOW THERE ARE SHOWBIZ STORIESand then there are stories about showbiz – the latter for me infinitely more interesting and compelling. These are the stories behind the stories if you like, about how the business works and sometimes doesn’t work and what kind of people want, or more often need, to be part of such madness.

That’s what this book is. It is my story of my madness and my experience in show business. It was always a dream, it’s often been a nightmare, but it’s never been dull. If my first book was the climb up the mountain to fame, fortune and the life I thought I wanted, this second volume sees me diving head first off a cliff and then trying to figure out why.

In the days when I took over the ownership of Virgin I was a ‘live for today’ kind of guy. I tended to jump in with both feet, and worry about the consequences later.

It’s only recently that I have woken up to the fact that the live for today philosophy, although often liberating and fantastically exciting at the time, can be damaging and destructive to almost everything you hold dear. Of course there’s nothing wrong with the pursuit of one’s hopes and aspirations but real life must always be taken care of first – or at least very quickly afterwards, because to achieve success at the expense of a single other human being is wholly unacceptable.

While it’s admirable to strive with energy and ambition fuelling your tank, this does not serve as an excuse to start hundreds of things off willy-nilly without at least giving some thought to how they might be concluded. This is the number one crime of the irresponsible dream seeker whose lives are littered with false starts, broken middles and a severe lack of happy endings.