Chris Evans - It’s Not What You Think

HarperCollins Publishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollins Publishers 2009

© Chris Evans 2009

Chris Evans asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

While every effort has been made to trace the owners of copyright material reproduced herein, the publishers would like to apologise for any omissions and will be pleased to incorporate missing acknowledgements in any future editions.

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Source ISBN: 9780007327218

Ebook Edition © SEPTEMBER 2009 ISBN: 9780007327256

Version: 2017-05-04

To everyone that’s ever helped me, tolerated me, loved me, laughed with me, cried with me, created with me and forgiven me at any time, anywhere. Thank you.

Dear Reader,

For the purposes of bespoke compartmentalisation during the course of this book, where Dickens went for episodes, Shakespeare went for stanzas and the Good Lord himself for chapter and verse, being a DJ I have gone for Top 10s.

If it was good enough for Moses and his Commandments, it should be good enough for my book.

CE

Cover Page

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Note to Reader

Preface

Prologue

Part One Mum, Dad and a Girl Called Tina

Top 10 Basic Facts about Christopher Evans

Top 10 Things I Remember about My Dad

Top 10 Best Things about Mrs Evans Senior

Top 10 Double Acts

Top 10 Resounding Memories of Primary-school Life

Top 10 Tastes, C. Evans, 1966-86

Top 10 First Memories of Going to School

Top 10 Weird Things about Teachers from a Kid’s Point of View

Top 10 Deaths

Top 10 Favourite Jobs (Other than Showbiz)

Top 10 Bosses I’ve Worked For

Top 10 Treats

Top 10 Girls—Actually Women—I Thought about Before I Had My First Girlfriend

Top 10 Schoolboy Errors

Top 10 Things I’m Rubbish at

Top 10 Things that Freak Me Out

Top 10 Things I Remember from School Lessons

Part Two The Piccadilly Years

Top 10 Best DJs I Have Ever Heard

Top 10 First Commercial Radio Stations in the UK

Top 10 Most Significant Cars in My Life

Top 10 Items of Technology in the Evans Household, circa 1983

Top 10 Things to Consider When Attempting to Make a Move in Your Career

Top 10 Things a Boss Should Never Do

Top 10 Things to Do When the Cards Are Stacked Against You

Top 10 Business Names I Have Been Involved in

Top 10 Dance Floor Fillers for Mobile DJ C. Evans circa 1985

Top 10 Memories of the great Piccadilly Radio exponential learning curve

Top 10 Things that Will Happen to You and that You Will Have to Accept

Top 10 Genuine Names of 80s Nightclubs in the North West of England

Top 10 Stars Recognised by a Single Name

Top 10 Records I remember from My Piccadilly Radio Days

Top 10 Things Never to Joke about on the Air

Top 10 Christmas Presents

Part Three Fame, Shame and Automobiles

Top 10 Things No One Tells You about London

Top 10 Legends I Have Worked With

Top 10 Books that Have Inspired Me and at Times Kept Me Sane

Top 10 Jobs at a Radio Station—in My Very Biased Opinion

Top 10 Pivotal Moments in My Career

Top 10 Things that Make a Successful Radio Show (the type of shows I do, that is)

Top 10 Seminal Items of Technology that Had the World Aghast

Top 10 Pads

Top 10 Things to Take to a Meeting if You Think You are Going to get Shafted

Top 10 Memories of The Big Breakfast

Top 10 Female Pop Stars

Top 10 Things to Consider When You Split Up with Someone

Top 10 Songs Regularly Murdered at Karaoke

Top 10 TV Shows

Top 10 Expletives

Top 10 Great Questions to be Asked

Top 10 Reasons to Stay Friends with Your Ex

Top 10 Memories of Radio 1

Top 10 Bands on Radio 1 During Our Watch

Top 10 TFI Moments

Top 10 Things that are True about Showbiz

Top 10 Signs You Are Losing the Plot

Top 10 Things a Celeb Should Never Do

Top 10 Things I Think About—Other than My Wife and Family

Top 10 Offers I Have Declined

Top 10 Best Bits of Advice

Top 10 Most Useless States of Mind

Top 10 Things that Help Get a Deal Done

Top 10 Mantras

Top 10 Things People Put Off

Top 10 Reasons Why I Presume Capital Never Took Us Seriously

Top 10 Human Responses I Experienced Leading up to the Deal

Top 10 Houses I Have Found Myself In For One Reason Or Another

Keep Reading

Appendix it is what you think…notes from the cast

Acknowledgements

About the Author

About the Publisher

Top 10 Tabloid Newspaper Descriptions of Me

10 GENIUS

9 WHIZZ KID

8 MOGUL

7 MOTORMOUTH

6 UGLY

5 MEGLOMANIAC

4 DRUNKARD

3 TYRANT

2 LIAR

1 TOSSER

As you can see there have been countless occasionswhen I have done myself few favours in the public eye. After some deep thought and consideration on the road back to the real world, I can only conclude that this was because I reached the top of a mountain I never even expected to climb. Once there it’s obvious to me now that I didn’t have the first clue what to do next—so I jumped off.

‘Far more fun than merely walking back down and having a rest before setting off in search of the next one,’ I thought.

Wrong!

As a thirteen-year-old paperboy I never for a second imagined the tabloids I was then delivering would one day take me into their beloved bosom and splash me on their front covers with such regularity and for such varying reasons. Some good, some bad, some true, some fittingly published, but that’s all part of the deal. Anyone that complains about it—famous people that is—have to realise they can’t have their cake and eat it. The fatal mistake is to moan—if you don’t like the bright lights and everything that comes with them, get off the stage.

For years, as the song went, I did it my way; for years I thought I was bomb-proof; for years I was just plain lucky when I thought I was being a wise guy. Of course I got things wrong from time to time, but I put that down to being part of life’s rich tapestry—after all, few of us set out to get things wrong on purpose.