Jenne Davis - The Clitical Guide to Female Self-Pleasure - How to Please Yourself So Your Partner Can Too

So I set off on a quest, which at that time seemed to be of epic proportions, to find the answer to those questions. That was when I discovered that this was to be no easy task. No one talked about masturbation back then – it was a dark secret, a sin to be hidden away at all costs, because even though you could talk about what you did with your partner/boyfriend last Saturday night, talking about what you did to yourself, amongst even your closest girlfriends, was akin to admitting you were less of a person because you didn't have, or couldn't get, a boyfriend. In other words, you were the biggest loser on the block. Sex with yourself must be second-rate sex, after all, which to me, never did make any sense. But it was, and still is in many cases to this day, the accepted norm when we talk about solo sex.

Back then there was no Internet, no real sex-toy boutiques, or at least not the type that most women would ever be seen outside, let alone leaving, lest you were spied by the local neighborhood noses, or, worse still, your so-called friends. Like many women of the time, I got my sexual information from the copies of the Penthouse that my dad had stashed beneath the clothes in his closet. Sex education at schools was basic, to say the least, and the only thing I really learned from those lessons was that sex was embarrassing and something to be made fun of. I never felt that way about solo or partnered sex, though. How could something that made me feel this good be so bad, after all?

With the advent of the Internet and the fact that I could communicate with the entire universe and beyond, it became easier to learn about sex, yet somehow it always felt as though solo sex was partnered sex's ugly sister. You know – that one member of the family who is always at weddings and funerals but sits in the corner because no one from the family really wants them there. I began to question how this could be so. How on earth could that be wrong when you are simply loving yourself? At the same time, women were being taught that we could do, or have, anything we wanted. We had the right to demand orgasms from our partners, it was our birthright and if they couldn't give us one as prescribed by the pages of Cosmopolitan , then he didn't deserve us.

As my quest for answers continued, I became almost more confused. Why was partnered sex the hallowed ground? Was there no place in sexuality for solo sex other than as the ugly sister? I'd always had that strange tinge of guilt that came after an often mammoth session of self-loving, but, darn, if it felt this good how on earth could it be bad?

Anyway, I discovered the Internet, but more than that, I discovered erotic writing. I found a way to channel my own guilt at enjoying sex, and especially solo sex, so much, into my characters. As I wrote more and posted them onto the Net I began to form the idea of a website: a site where women could feel safe asking questions about sex, love, and everything in between, and so could their partners. In the year 2000, thanks to a partnership with Art, the wonderful webmaster over at EroticStories.com, that dream became a reality. As so often happens in life, my love of solo sex and my search for answers to my quest became something that was ever more prominent on our new website: Clitical.com

Over the years Clitical has become a labor of love, some might say a labor of self- love. As time went by, I realized that self-love encompasses so much more than a simple technique. It's way more than just a means to an end. Self-pleasure is about learning to love your sexual self. It's a safe form of sexual expression, with a few exceptions, and it can take your partnered sex to a whole new level if you open your mind.

As Clitical has grown it has seen many redesigns, but the core of the site remains the same: a place where women can learn about sex, especially self-love, not just from me, but from their peers. Over the years we have amassed a huge collection of female visitors’ masturbation techniques, fantasies, and a whole lot more besides. I've been asked all manner of questions, sexual and otherwise. I've met some of the coolest people on the planet, and all thanks to a quest to answer the question of why self- pleasure is the ugly sister of partnered sex. I've discovered the many facets that make up human sexuality, that no two individuals are alike, and that there is no right or wrong way to pleasure yourself or a partner, only the way that works for you. That journey of discovery is ultimately what this book is about. As you take that journey yourself, I hope that you will find this book will help you discover what works for you and sometimes what doesn't, helps you feel less afraid to try something new, to just jump in and discover, because of all the things I've learned, the most important one is: you have to live in your moment, this moment, the one that is happening right now.

Love Thyself

Getting to know your own anatomy is the basic foundation for all sexual encounters, whether solo or partnered. Until you are comfortable within your own skin, touching your own skin and seeing it as not just part of your body but as a part of your sexual self, it's unlikely that you will be comfortable sexually.

Most of us think of the sexual parts of our body as being our breasts, vulvas, and vaginas. Occasionally we throw in our butts, for good measure, but our entire body has the potential to offer us sexual pleasure if we know how to tap into the secrets that it holds. This chapter is designed to help you see that sexually you are much more than those three, or possibly four, body parts, depending on how you look at it.

Let's Get One Thing Straight!

Before we go any further, though, let's get one thing straight from the get-go…

Vulvas are not vaginas. Despite the fact that they both begin with the letter V and are part of one another and, more importantly, part of you, they perform very different functions when it comes to sex. Vaginas are the inner part of the vulva, which is the outside part of your female sexual anatomy. Yet so many of us don't know that simple difference – and I'm not just referring to the male species here – women are equally guilty when they talk about their vulvas and refer to them as their vaginas.

If you enjoy clitoral pleasure, and, yes, we will get to discussing your clitoris in the next chapter, then you are touching your vulva. If you enjoy penetrative sex, then you are using your vagina. There is a difference and it is important to understand the difference; learning to use the correct term is a great way to show others that you understand your own body as well.

Are You Sitting Comfortably?

The other reason why many of us feel uncomfortable when it comes to masturbation is that we are often taught that our vulvas are something that should always be hidden, which is admittedly not helped by the fact that they are securely nestled between our upper thighs, and are, in fact, well, hidden. Cotton knickers or panties are placed there and we are told only to make sure that we wear clean panties each day. I clearly recall my own mother declaring that this was in case I was ever in a car accident. Looking back, that was a silly statement, but at the time I took her warning seriously as I'm sure many other little girls did and still do.

I tried to recall an instance where I was actually told not to ever show my hidden or private parts to a boy, and I really can't. It was just something that you never did – if you were a good girl. When you sat down and were wearing a skirt, the norm was to ensure that no part of your privates was exposed to the stare of a guy. Again, no specific instructions may have ever been given; it was something you simply learned unconsciously. After all, they were your ‘private’ parts. Now, I'm not suggesting that you go around wearing no panties or show your vulva to the next guy that walks into your office or workplace. I'm just trying to illustrate where we may have learned the idea that our vulvas are for our lovers’ eyes only and until then shall remain private at all costs.