Pascale Smets - And God Created the Au Pair

For Mum and Pa

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Family Tree

September 99

October 99

November 99

December 99

January 00

February 00

March 00

April 00

May 00

June 00

July 00

August 00

September 00

October 00

November 00

December 00

January 01

February 01

March 01

April 01

May 01

June 01

July 01

August 01

September 01

Afterword

Acknowledgement

About the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Do not, repeat do not confuse dishwashing liquid with dishwasher liquid. Dishwashing liquid is in fact washing-up liquid in N America and when used in the dishwasher creates a giant foam monster that pours through what one naively assumes are the watertight seals on the edges of the dishwasher door. First tried to scoop the pouring tide of foam into kitchen sink but that immediately filled up with foam that would not die so then had to fill buckets with foam and run and throw them out on the deck. When Michael finally responded to my shrieks for assistance and wandered downstairs he (most unusually) had the good idea that we should sprinkle the small sachet of dishwasher powder that came free with the machine over the foam. Surprisingly it did in fact kill the beast. But everything very wet and foamy afterwards and him very smug.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: the beast

Didn’t the size of the bottle alert you? Any sign of missing saucepans yet?

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Bottle was huge. V easy mistake to make. Saucepans still mysteriously absent. Have unearthed one box of stuff so am now able to grate things or whisk things.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Have some ghastly problem with our drains at the moment, v stinky & wet at the bottom of the garden. Albert who is here to paint the kitchen full of gloomy predictions, have to say feel a bit gloomy myself but am resolutely trying to hide it as it only encourages him.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Sure it’s nothing too serious. You know Albert would rather eat his own head than miss an opportunity to revel in a bit of doom and gloom. Have finally tracked down saucepans (in the basement under approx 1000 boxes of toys).

Went downtown today to buy lots of ugly expensive school uniform, for ugly, expensive (though apparently excellent) new school. Remarkably, Ollie though only doing mornings has to wear uniform on Fridays complete with blazer (absurd as he is not yet 3 and a midget to boot), so have had to go to all that expense so he can look like a small square waiter one morning a week. Felt really nervous about driving my big new car on big roads at first, but have discovered that a big road is in fact a good thing and you never need to mount the pavement to ease past an oncoming car like in London.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Don’t know about that, find big roads really scary & am used to sweatily squeezing past other big cars in tiny roads though must admit despite much practice am still apt to misjudge spaces. My car is looking quite well used, though cheeringly not as bad as Amanda next door’s. Not entirely her fault as I did reverse hard into her car twice while parking last week (Dan watching – made me nervous).

Fran is preparing for yet another driving test. Talks about it endlessly. Told her I’ll reverse over her if she says ‘I’m definitely going to crack it this time’ once more.

Saw Helena in Tesco today, she trapped me by the bananas, her face a mask of tenderness as she enquired how I was coping now you’ve gone. Said I was just about bearing up (meant it as a joke but then noticed her eyes had alarmingly filled with tears), she did lots of nodding then said what a lovely neighbour you’d been and she’d always remember your unique approach to life. Said it like you’d died instead of just moved abroad. She paused a lot before she said ‘unique approach’ which made me suspect it was more a reference to the untidiness of your house than the uniqueness of your approach.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Hurrah. Have just spent £400 having video made of my drains in order to ‘pinpoint problem area’. Unsurprisingly ‘problem area’ turns out to be where stinky wet patch is (drain cracked, lawn will have to be dug up). How to file video? alphabetically between Christmas & Easter? or between Dan’s buttocks as sort of aide-memoire not to waste our money in the future (he insisted we have it done)? How are the children? When do they start school? Mine back this Thurs, Ellie v excited about going into year 1 and feel irrationally optimistic about Maddie starting in nursery.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Should definitely make Dan sit and watch the drain video (keeping the empty case between his buttocks while he watches). School started yesterday and they were all v cheerful when they came out which was a huge relief. School drop-off and pickup, the ultimate N American experience. No standing round in the playground chatting to other mothers. Everyone queues up in their huge cars and when you get to the school there’s a ‘drive-thru’ and you hand your children out to a teacher, and at pickup lots of teachers striding around with walkie-talkies and when you reach the school there are your children waiting for you. They aren’t quite handed out through a little window, but almost.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Very glad it went so well. Girls back yesterday too. Ellie thrilled about it, Maddie’s start in nursery not so auspicious. In fact I could say ghastly. I had secretly harboured insane notion that world’s weepiest child MIGHT go in without crying. Needless to say it turned out I had been wildly optimistic. Resolved to harden my heart against squirty & copious tears (so squirty & copious actually left a wet patch on my trousers), naturally failed miserably and had to bolt to the car.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Your problem is you’re too good-humoured and your children grow attached to you. If you were a ratbag like me you’d find your children parted from you quite cheerfully.

Next-door-but-one came round today to introduce herself and brought her two daughters AND home-made cookies. Wish I could report she was wearing a pinny, but even without that, quite a pleasing piece of good ol’-fashioned neighbourliness. Younger daughter, Takara, is the same age as Josie (though approximately half her height) and they seemed to get along quite well. Older daughter was a pill, couldn’t have made it clearer that she’d come round under duress, and slumped onto the sofa exuding adolescent surliness from every pore. Don’t think from early indications Suzette and I are going to be soulmates. In the time it took to drink a cup of tea and eat a home-made cookie she managed to tell me 1) her husband is very brilliant and successful 2) her daughters are both very gifted and intelligent, also musical, 3) she has a troublesome time finding the right hairdresser as they all make such a fuss over her hair. Suggestion here was that her carroty mane is so very beautiful it’s almost more of a curse than a blessing. She does a lot of languid flicking it back over her shoulders. She also very cleverly managed to weave her flat stomach into the conversation (her eyes definitely skittered across mine at this point). If I were more skilled at these things I could have raised the subject of bottoms, because I would estimate hers is at least 50% bigger than mine. She also brought me up to speed on her marital situation – current husband, Kane, is no. 2 and is half-Japanese which apparently makes their home ‘very culturally rich’. Luckily she and husband no. 1 are still really good friends and Sophie (daughter of no. 1) adores Kane and just loves having two dads, so everything is wonderful. Altogether a very promising encounter, hope Josie and Takara do become friends as I shall very much enjoy hearing in what other ways Suzette is generally marvellous.