Pascale Smets - And God Created the Au Pair

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: urgently needed au pair

Spoke to alternative au pair last night, sounds v nice, speaks slightly better English than me & laughed politely at all my jokes (good sign) then asked me if I believe in smacking (good sign? bad sign? can’t decide). Refrained from saying I believe it exists (unlike fairies & Father Christmas) but thought this was too flippant a reply for such an earnest question & would probably confuse her, so simply said ‘nooo?’ in a hopeful way. Correct answer as she then admitted she’d turned down another family as they had said they DID smack. Can’t believe what a bloody minefield interviewing au pairs is & how though we all pretend we’re interviewing THEM, they are quite clearly interviewing US. Anyway felt really annoyed & whole episode has had the ‘going-on-a-diet effect’ (where knowledge of future abstinence makes you immediately hungry even though you just ate a pie). Though I think smacking is awful, wanted to quickly go up & smack them all.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Had Josie’s belated mad science party yesterday. Have to say nothing struck me as especially mad or sciencey about it, except perhaps setting off quite a big rocket in the road outside. Still, they all seemed to enjoy it and were most impressed to have what one girl described as ‘a proper tea’, as apparently all they ever have here is delivery pizza and prefab cake.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Finally got sent some proper photos of new au pair – much better than the usual b&w headshots that make everyone look like they belong to the Baader-Meinhof. She is v pretty but looks about 14 though she is apparently 19. Children all v excited about her arrival (though not half as excited as me). Girls have been making her lots of welcome cards all week. Am considering making my own welcome banner inscribed with ‘DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU, NOW PLEASE DO SOME IRONING’ as laundry situation now completely out of control – have actual TOWERS of clothes in laundry room which when they are knocked over (all the time) double as a ‘soft play area’ for Hugh.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’m SO annoyed, I just came back from a haircut and saw Suzette as I was getting out of my car. I was quite pleased with it, it’s much shorter and I think looks quite stylish. She came up to me looking slightly pained and said ‘Oh, you cut your hair. Why?’ I was so taken aback I was quite unable to think of a suitably clever rejoinder. The only small consolation I can find is she has swept her own fiery locks up into a loose bun today which only emphasises how weirdly tiny her head is. My hair will grow but her head won’t.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Am sure your hair is v nice. You look much better with short hair. God is v kind & merciful as He has answered my prayers and finally found someone who appears competent (indeed passionate) re fascinating topic of our central heating. Keith – who is moonlighting from the gas board – did lots of sums about size of rooms & BTUs. Apparently we need a lot of pipework & ‘rads’ replaced (must always refer to them as ‘rads’ as it is quicker than saying radiators & Keith is very busy), also superly Keith says we need not 1 but 2 boilers for a house this size. Keith v concerned about ‘radical heat loss’ through the glass cupola on the top floor and suggested we get rid of it. No point explaining to a heat-loss Nazi that the cupola is pretty much the whole reason we bought this derelict wreck so just stood nodding with v thoughtful expression. Keith & Gerry are starting next w/e so may actually fulfil prediction to Walt and Lou of having heating, otherwise they’ll have to go to a hotel as being without hot water absolutely appalling (even by my v low standards). I’ve bought one of those tin baths a la Steptoe & Son to bath children in kitchen as running up & down stairs with kettles and pans of water too nightmarish (Dan & I still maintaining our standards by resolutely having 4-inch baths in freezing bathroom), but children absolutely love huge excitement of bathing next to cooker, took some arty black & white photos of them having fun, unfortunately combination of tin bath, newspapers on floor to protect parquet & Hugh crying made them look like NSPCC advert rather than jolly family snaps.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

God, how grim, recommend you drink a lot of sherry to help engender ‘spirit of the Blitz’ necessary to face such ordeals.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Have been using blow heaters to try & improve ambient temperature in house although it is unseasonably mild (thank the Lord). Oddly feels colder in the house than out in the garden but maybe it’s just because we put coats on to go outside … absolutely refuse to wear a coat inside, though very much wish to. Used to be so resilient when I was young but am pathetic about the cold now. Ellie & Maddie are too, especially Ellie. Hugh immune to everything (sometimes wonder if the messaging to his brain is all there …). Modern blow heaters terribly irritating as they have inbuilt thermostats so they are constantly switching themselves off in case they do anything dangerous like actually warm the room up slightly. Ancient one I borrowed from Fran never turns itself off & gets the room toasty warm in no time – love it & would crouch in front of it all day if the girls weren’t batting me out of the way to have their go.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Quite true about growing soft, can’t bear the cold now (dreading the winter here) and never used to feel it when I was young. Remember having friends round who were not only frozen but starving too, because Mum always fed us so late. Sure it was character-building. Anna only used to let that ponger Driscoll sleep on her bed at night because he kept her warm.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Finished painting au pair Ana Frid’s bedroom last night. Looks really lovely & by far the nicest bedroom in the house. All blue & white & Swedish-looking should make her feel quite at home or possibly homesick?? hope have not made tactless decorating faux pas. Anyway it has curtains that luxuriously close in the middle so she will be able to undress & dress in her own room unlike me. Also bought new duvet cover, did not run to new mattress though really should have since mattress absolutely ancient (got it off Mum who practically had it as a child). Quite sharp spring sticking out on both sides but have put that at foot end so hopefully will be ok.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Can’t believe you still have any of Mum’s evil old mattresses. You do realise not everyone was raised in the same haphazard way we were and is thus inured against beds with sharp protuberances or strange lumpy pillows. Good job she’s short so hopefully won’t impale herself immediately. Do think you should consider buying the poor girl a new mattress though.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Ana Frid arrived today. Dan picked her up from the airport & then drove her the ‘scenic’ route home pointing out London’s teenage hot spots like Leicester Square & Oxford Circus. Photo she sent us quite inaccurate – she actually looks 12 not 14 & is tiny like a doll. Worried in case one of the laundry towers falls on her & she can’t get out.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’d be more worried about breaking the news to her that there’s no heating or hot water if I were you.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Hurrah for au pair girl. Ana Frid completely fantastic. While laundry situation not yet fully under control at least now greater proportion of our clothes in drawers than on floor, Hugh’s ‘soft play area’ all but gone, & Dan no longer wearing jumpers to office to hide unironed shirts. Girls completely in love with her & think she is v beautiful. Ellie says she loves her ‘yellow hair & red cheeks’ – doesn’t sound so great when put like that.