Pascale Smets - And God Created the Au Pair

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Unclear about the headmaster’s giant arse – does he have one or is he one?

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Is one. Has a substantial arse but wd not be fair to describe it as giant.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Michael’s new office held a party last night. Felt a bit of a twat as clearly everyone else had come straight from the office and was in work clothes and I was in party gear. Also we had to do a lot of standing around chatting and I wore my high boots which I always forget make me want to gnaw my feet off after 10 minutes. Still, met some people who are slightly more normal than the manicured soccer moms in their giant cars from the school and one woman in particular, Nina, who Michael says is brilliant and lured over from Vancouver, is really delightful and has twin boys of Ollie’s age, so that was promising.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re overdressing – you should have explained to attentive circle of fellow guests (captivated by your English frankness) that this was just the kick-off to an evening of intense socialising and your real destination was a much bigger fancier party later on.

PS Fran v glum today. Had rather bad luck during driving test so didn’t ‘crack it’ this go as she’d predicted.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Re: Wrinklies

Poor Fran, fear she’ll try again though. Went to our posh mall first thing this morning. Disconcerted to see mall absolutely full of old people in snowy-white trainers and neatly pressed tracksuits. Apparently ‘mall walking’ is how old people get their exercise here, and obviously makes sense when v cold/hot, but surprising when outside is gentle September sun. Perhaps winter strikes with terrifying suddenness here and you can’t be too careful?

From: Rachel Lockwood

To: Nell Fenton

Dear Nell

I have again proved my shortcomings as a friend and failed to email you to see how all is going. Are you settling in? and how are the children finding school? Jonathan has started at the local school and seems almost insultingly unconcerned about leaving me in the morning. Probably punishment for the fact that I never made finger puppets or did Play-Doh with him. Also the food at school is better than the food at home because they get jelly. (Is there no limit to my inadequacy?) Send me your news, we are thinking of you all and are planning how we can scrape up the money to come and visit, if I can ever get Jack on a plane that is.

Fondest love to all

Rachel xx

From: Nell Fenton

To: Rachel Lockwood

Dear Rachel, all is well here though still lots of unpacking to do. The house is quite nice, v comfortable in a vulgar way and the children seem to like their school, so far. Not seeing much of Michael who’s working really long hours but hopefully that will settle down. Toronto is fantastic for children, lots of lovely clean parks and the restaurants are cheap (as is everything, in fact) and very child-friendly. Would love you to come with or without Jack, we have lots of room, 3 spare bedrooms and about 84 bathrooms. Charlotte & co are coming at Christmas I hope, but perhaps you could come for Easter? Love Nell

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

The house is such a bomb site and I’m so desperate for some help – Michael never around – have hired a very unpromising cleaner called Cynthia. Got her through an agency and am resolutely ignoring her obvious shortcomings, not least of which is the fact that she seems a bit mad (mutters darkly all the time) also I cannot understand a word she says though she is Jamaican so I suppose English is her first language.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

It’s a time-honoured family tradition to have a dodgy cleaner and at least you have one, Gina-the-cleaner is leaving me. Also your house is finished so presumably things don’t come off in your hand all the time (Dan stuck in bathroom for 20 mins yesterday when door handle fell out on bedroom side), everything a constant tip here AND I don’t like new kitchen colour. Albert keeps looking at me through narrowed eyes saying ‘You don’t like it, do you?’ so on top of hating it have to keep hotly denying I hate it as Dan will definitely divorce me if I change the colour again. Suspect Gina moving purely to get away from us and the spectacular shambles and Dorset was just the first county she came across into which debris from our house hadn’t spilled. Feel quite sad about it, even though she’s dreadfully unreliable (come rain or shine she might turn up) I’m really fond of her. Think we’re going to get an au pair next, instead. Fran says the trick is to get a beautiful Swedish one as it’s the ugly ones who go after your husband and the beautiful ones who think he’s a sad old wanker.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I can’t believe Gina lasted as long as she did, was totally unsuited to manual labour with that inner ear problem of hers.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Nonsense, she cleaned very well, only staggered a bit and hardly ever toppled right over.

I’ve been looking at au pair details from agency, incredibly depressing as makes me feel absolutely ancient. They all seem to have been born in the 1980s. Also they’re all so WORTHY. When I was 18 I was getting drunk on the King’s Rd & trying to get to grips with smoking without setting my dreadlocks on fire. Nowadays all 18-year-olds (Swedish ones at least) ‘love to work with childrens’. Will have to choose a short one as shower in top bathroom has v low showerhead.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Think it’s moderately unlikely that they would list drinking and smoking as hobbies on their application forms, however keenly they pursue those activities in their spare time.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’m going to kill Michael. Went to another work party and this time checked with Michael how smart/casual it was going to be. He assured me it was casual. Should have known he would not pay attention to such details. Turned out to be a party for the people they really wanted to impress (unlike previous hoi polloi party) and as we arrived we were photographed for society pages (vv bad – was wearing fairly skanky cord jacket) and when we got in all the women were in full evening wear, and me in very ordinary navy trousers, Gap t-shirt and cardigan (silk admittedly, but much washed), also in my distress managed to get potato-sized blotch of red wine on my t-shirt in first 10 minutes. Chairman’s wife came up and kissed Michael, who was mortified since he hadn’t bothered to shave (party being so casual). Since he’s half-man half-gorilla, it’s not insignificant when he fails to shave. Serves him bloody well right.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

How could you not know he’d get it wrong?? This is the man who says ‘I like that dress’ when you’re wearing a skirt. Like any NORMAL man, will say any old crap that pops into his head just to shut you up, also much more likely to say it’s casual wear as party clothes require much more input from husband – eg ‘no your back doesn’t look at all fat in that/knees don’t look weird/the choker doesn’t make your neck look short’ … and if he were interested enough to correctly assess dress code he would be no good to you as he would not be married to you as he would almost certainly be gay.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

It’s true that clothes aren’t his specialist subject, what with all those confusingly different names clothes can have. (Colours also v problematic for him, brown and grey – how can anyone tell the difference?)

From: Charlotte Bailey