Pascale Smets - And God Created the Au Pair

To: Nell Fenton

Fucking hell. Central heating finally packed up last night, quite frankly can’t believe the ancient & poisonous boiler has lasted this long. Albert came round today in a last-ditch attempt to try and revive it. After 45 mins of the boiler equivalent of heart massage announced ‘it’s a gonner’, had urge to add ‘still, it had a good innings’ but felt it would be disrespectful. Should have replaced the whole lot before we moved in last year but since at that point we were operating on the ‘only absolutely essential work to be done’ principle and it was (just) working it seemed unnecessary. Now v necessary & timing worse as have just paid to have ‘tube station’ dug in our garden & I really want to come to visit at Christmas.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Deepest condolences on your loss but you still have to come at Christmas whatever happens.

Now Josie has made friends pesky child has been nagging for a birthday party. Had hoped that her birthday being over a month ago and the move etc would have made her forget, but no, bless her retentive little brain. Also she wants to invite the whole class so am failing to benefit from huge advantage of an August birthday where one can invite the whole class with impunity since 60% are invariably away. Have arranged something called Mad Science for entertainers and having set stupid precedent of doing handmade invitations for the last 2 birthdays have had to come up with appropriately mad and sciency card. Was quite pleased with my idea of cutting out test-tube-shape cardboard, with big bubbles coming out the top. Only noticed when I had done about 20 that they are vv phallic when upended. Still, not bloody doing them again and anyway it might prompt gratifying August-type refusal rate.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Try not posting the invitations at all but instead storing them safely in a nappy-changing bag for at least 2 weeks then performing secret, frantic, last-minute phone round (on discovering them crumpled & dirty in bottom of said bag), should yield 30–40% refusal rate if past experience is anything to go by.

From: Louise Corrigan

To: Charlotte Bailey

We’re making plans to come to London. Walt needs to do some research in London for a piece he’s doing for the NY Times and we have meetings about our book. Anyway we’d love to come visit if you can bear to have us. We’d be staying Nov 7 thru 15 if that’s ok. If it’s too much let us know & we’ll go to a hotel. Speak soon x L

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Louise Corrigan

FANTASTIC! We’d love you to come & stay, facilities a little basic at the moment though, central heating on the blink but should definitely have it sorted by the time you come, also roof absolutely watertight now. Dan can pick you up at the airport if you want, just let us know. Love C

From: Louise Corrigan

To: Charlotte Bailey

That’s great. Don’t worry about facilities, you know us, we’ll crash anywhere. Re collection, don’t sweat it, hon, we’ll order a car to pick us up. Speak soon x L

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

oh god, oh god, oh god, never felt such a mix of emotions.

Lou & Walt coming to stay & house a total fucking bomb site. Mentioned in a masterstroke of understatement ‘basic facilities’ to Lou but she seemed to gloss over that, don’t think my version of basic & hers quite the same eg she, non-goosedown duvet = basic, me sleeping on Lilo = basic. Lou said & I quote ‘We’ll crash anywhere.’ Have you ever known a couple less likely to ‘crash anywhere’? Last time they stayed (AND we were still living in Islington – the height of luxury compared to here), Walt spent his whole time gargling vinegar to ‘cleanse his sinuses of dust mites’. God knows what he’ll do here – have to send industrial vacuum cleaner up there. Also confidently predicted that central heating would be fixed by the time they visit. On the positive side obv they are excellent company & always full of fantastic stories about NY. Also Lou always gives me all her pristine-looking ‘old’ stuff. Ellie v excited to see Godmother as Godmother does lovely stuff like put handcream on her & read stories with expression unlike real mother who skips pages & never puts handcream on self let alone 5-year-old. Must now go & tackle spare room as although visit a month away will take at least that long to empty it – room actually not ‘spare’ at all but v much needed as giant junk cupboard.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

You could have sent them to stay in a hotel, you barmy cow, and still have enjoyed their company. Living in a building site gives you a general dispensation from having people to stay. Went to a school-arranged social function this morning (trying to foster community spirit, lacking due to drive-by pickup). It was a breakfast at a fancy golf club which isn’t exactly my thing but don’t want to be a hermit so am making an effort. However, was entirely filled with same uptight gym-trained and manicured mothers from fundraising meeting, just many more of them. Have discovered irony is an unknown concept in this country so think they think I’m mad. Also never have manicures so am scruffy too.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Can’t believe alarm bells didn’t ring when you saw the words ‘golf club’. Can’t find anyone to fix central heating, though Albert, who is repainting kitchen at the moment, keeps dropping hints about doing it himself. Dan, who’s usually so easygoing, is absolutely adamant that we must find someone else as Albert has plenty of other things to do & will take forever & if he does it will not have heating for the new millennium. Other danger is of course he’ll get Smelly Gordon to help him. Dan doesn’t care about that – but I do.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Well, at least if you don’t fix your heating you’ll have the money to come and visit us.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: not pregnant

Got my period last night had been slightly hopeful as it was 2 days late, though even considering past success in getting pregnant immediately realise it is probably unrealistic to expect it this time (am v old these days) still can’t help feeling really disappointed. Dan quite sorry too as had got briefly excited about idea of swapping Volvo for an MPV.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

At least you have a vague idea when yours is due. Since mine is a randomly occurring phenomenon am a bit hopeful every month and invariably persuade myself that my PMT symptoms are signs of early pregnancy. Anyhow I’m even more ancient and unlike you don’t just need to brush against my husband when passing on the stairs in order to get knocked up so am sure you’ll be there way ahead of me.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Short (and therefore suitable) au pair I interviewed by phone has turned us down as we don’t have any animals and she loves animals. Am soooo pissed off, feel like ringing her back and saying don’t need any bloody animals have 3 children with the table manners of baboons. Have wasted nearly 2 weeks buggering around & now have to start again & there is only one other on list who looks suitable, is short enough & has not expressed an undue interest in animals.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

People who are that keen on animals are suspect anyhow and probably don’t like children. No doubt she’s a vegetarian too which would be really irritating. Speaking of irritating, Michael has decided we have to change our church AGAIN. Did it twice in England, now has again been listening to the sermons and thus finds things to object to and is insisting we find another church whose priest has views more in accordance with his own. Don’t really care but why can’t he just make shopping lists in his head during the sermon like a normal person?