Paul Greenwood - Your First Grandchild - Useful, touching and hilarious guide for first-time grandparents

I’ve made up a new name for you, Gran! I’m going to call you ‘Old Bones’.

Harry:When I grow up I’m going to marry Grandpa.

Mum:I’m afraid you can’t do that, Harry.

Harry:Why not?

Mum:Because he’s my father.

Harry:Well, you married my father!

Joe:You’re never going to die, are you Grandma?

Gran:( Gently breaking the bad news. ) Well, I might have to some day, you know, Joe.

Joe:Oh well, could you do it when I’m at school?

Gran:( Showing granddaughter photo of herself at twenty )

Who do you think that is, Anna?

Anna:Don’t know.

Gran:( Disappointed ) It’s me when I was young.

Anna:You’re still young, Gran.

I love my Gran and Grandpa because they are nice and soft to cuddle, and Gran has holes in her ears, and Grandpa has hairs in his nose and they sleep a lot.

My bed is beside my Grandad’s and he holds my hand while I go to sleep.

When we arrive at my Nan’s house, she always says, ‘Mercy, it’s the invasion!’

Park there, Grandpa. Look, no bloody yellow lines.

Nan, I dreamt that you were flying about in the air, holding a cup of tea.

Grandpa:Why are you crying, Tom?

Tom:I’m sad for my baby sister.

Grandpa:Why?

Tom:‘Cos she’s bald like you, Grandpa, and she’s a girl!

It was said of the novelist, Sir Hugh Walpole, that he did not speak at all until he was three and a half years old, by which time his family had almost given up hope and feared for his mental capabilities. One day, his grandmother accidentally scalded him on the hand whilst pouring tea. The boy was brave about it but was obviously in some pain. After a time his grandmother asked him if he was feeling any better. Out came little Hugh’s first words ever … ‘Thank you, Grandmama, the agony has somewhat abated.’

Cover Page

Title Page Your First Grandchild The survival guide for every new grandparent Claire Nielson, Paul Greenwood and Peggy Vance

Excerpt I’ve made up a new name for you, Gran! I’m going to call you ‘Old Bones’. Harry: When I grow up I’m going to marry Grandpa. Mum: I’m afraid you can’t do that, Harry. Harry: Why not? Mum: Because he’s my father. Harry: Well, you married my father! Joe: You’re never going to die, are you Grandma? Gran: ( Gently breaking the bad news. ) Well, I might have to some day, you know, Joe. Joe: Oh well, could you do it when I’m at school? Gran: ( Showing granddaughter photo of herself at twenty ) Who do you think that is, Anna? Anna: Don’t know. Gran: ( Disappointed ) It’s me when I was young. Anna: You’re still young, Gran. I love my Gran and Grandpa because they are nice and soft to cuddle, and Gran has holes in her ears, and Grandpa has hairs in his nose and they sleep a lot. My bed is beside my Grandad’s and he holds my hand while I go to sleep. When we arrive at my Nan’s house, she always says, ‘Mercy, it’s the invasion!’ Park there, Grandpa. Look, no bloody yellow lines. Nan, I dreamt that you were flying about in the air, holding a cup of tea. Grandpa: Why are you crying, Tom? Tom: I’m sad for my baby sister. Grandpa: Why? Tom: ‘Cos she’s bald like you, Grandpa, and she’s a girl! It was said of the novelist, Sir Hugh Walpole, that he did not speak at all until he was three and a half years old, by which time his family had almost given up hope and feared for his mental capabilities. One day, his grandmother accidentally scalded him on the hand whilst pouring tea. The boy was brave about it but was obviously in some pain. After a time his grandmother asked him if he was feeling any better. Out came little Hugh’s first words ever … ‘Thank you, Grandmama, the agony has somewhat abated.’

Introduction

1 I Can’t Be a Grandparent: The Announcement

2 Only 230 Knitting Days: The Pregnancy and Birth

3 Rather You Than Me: The Immediate Postnatal Period

4 Here We Go Again: Baby Takes Over

5 The Techno Babe: Gizmos, Gadgets and What Not To Do with Them

6 They’re Wonderful Parents, But … What Grandparents Really Think

7 They’re Wonderful Grandparents, But … What Parents Really Think

8 Discipline: Showing Who’s Boss

9 Eating: Crisps, Chips and Chocolate!

10 The Night Shift: But I’m Not Tired …

11 I’ve Never Seen Her in It: Children’s Clothes

12 Bottom Bits: ‘Darling, She’s Done a Poo …’

13 Developing Potential: Bringing Out the Best

Practical Matters: Safety in the Home

Index

Copyright

About the Publisher

How did this book come to be written? I suppose it was the result of a rare lunch I enjoyed with my daughter about a year ago. I say rare because, since she became a mother, the number of times we have been able to lunch alone together can be counted on one finger. Anyway, during our meal we were discussing (and laughing about) our unusual family, when it dawned on us that it might not be all that unusual – that, in fact, it is fairly representative of late 20th-century trends.

We seem to cover all possible modern scenarios. I am a grandmother, divorced from my first husband (now deceased) and remarried to a second husband, Paul, who is therefore a stepgrandfather. Paul is also divorced, with one daughter from an early relationship, one adopted daughter from his first marriage, and one stepdaughter, Peggy, from his second marriage to me. Complicated, isn’t it?

I shall never forget the devastating moment when I told Peggy that I had fallen in love with Paul and that he was coming to live with us. She looked at me with all the world-weariness of 12 years spent with a mad actress mother and said, ‘You know, Mum, sometimes I wonder if I can take much more of you.’ Luckily for me and for Paul, she could and did!

Peggy is married to a British-born Sikh, Dharminder, so we have mixed-race grandchildren. Our grandson, Sky, is four years old, and our granddaughter, Biba, is two. Peggy and Dharminder both work, so although Peggy is based at home, she has help with the children. Paul and I are actors – writing, directing and teaching as well – so we also work full-time and, typically for modern grandparents, don’t live around the corner from our grandchildren, but a two-hour drive away: Peggy and Dharminder are in London while we are near Stratford-on-Avon. The children’s paternal grandmother, a widow, also lives two hours away from them, in Leicester.

So there you have it. As people who might be described as ‘modern’ grandparents, we decided to try to write an up-to-the-minute account of how our new role has changed and enriched our lives and, indeed, how we manage to juggle our various commitments.

That was how the idea began. After that, as word spread about the book, so many people made contact and expressed an interest that we realized that the book might become more than just a personal account. Potentially, it could also reflect the views and experiences of many other families – both nuclear and fragmented as our own. When my husband and I travelled to the United States on tour with Henry VIII (now there’s a complicated family man for you!) all kinds of American family experiences were recounted to us too.