Shari Low - A Brand New Me - The hilarious romantic comedy about one year of first dates

SHARI LOW

A Brand New Me

Published by AVON A division of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 1 London Bridge Street, London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins 2008

Copyright © Shari Low 2008

Cover design © Head Design 2017

Cover illustrations © Shutterstock.com

Shari Low asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9781847560179

Ebook Edition © June 2009 ISBN: 9780007335022 Version: 2017-10-19

To Danny Murphy, our incredibly handsome new

nephew, who won’t be allowed to read this until he’s at least thirty! To John, who knows he is everything, always… And to my boys Callan & Brad, for being hilarious, outrageous and endlessly cuddly. Now can one of you please learn to make tea.

Copyright

Prologue ‘Three … two … one … Happy New Year!’

Chapter 1 - Wired to the Moon

Chapter 2 - Aligning the Planets

Great Morning TV!

Chapter 3 - Star Gazing

Chapter 4 - The Leo Date

Chapter 5 - Shooting Stars

Chapter 6 - Earth Calling Zara

Great Morning TV!

Chapter 7 - The Scorpio Date

Chapter 8 - Stars in Their Eyes

The Daily Globe, Female Section, 20 February

Chapter 9 - The Aries Date

Chapter 10 - A Cold Moon Rising

Chapter 11 - Star-Crossed

Chapter 12 - The Capricorn Date

Chapter 13 - The Outer Cosmos

Chapter 14 - Sunburn

Great Morning TV!

Chapter 15 - The Gemini Date

Chapter 16 - Starry Starry Night …

Chapter 17 - Space Oddity

Chapter 18 - The Milky Way

Chapter 19 - Total Eclipse of the Heart

Kiss FM Commercial Break. 6.45 a.m.

Chapter 20 - Lunar Landing

Chapter 21 - Jupiter’s Moons

Chapter 22 - The Aquarius Date

Chapter 23 - Twinkle Twinkle …

Chapter 24 - The Cancer Date

Chapter 25 - Women Are from Venus

Chapter 26 - Libra

Chapter 27 - Superstar

Chapter 28 - Starman

Chapter 29 - The Virgo Date

Chapter 30 - The Sagittarius Date

Chapter 31 - Star Maker

Great Morning TV!

Chapter 32 - The Powers of Uranus

Chapter 33 - Mercury Rising

Chapter 34 - The Big Bang

Chapter 35 - Star Central

Chapter 36 - Cosmic Explosion

Chapter 37 - It’s in the Stars

Great Morning TV! – New Year’s Day

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Praise for Shari Low

By the Same Author:

About the Publisher

The champagne corks popped, streamers fell, the music blared, lovers embraced, their hearts overflowing with joy as they welcomed in another year…

But unfortunately all that happened on the TV.

In my living room, three twenty-something friends sat shrouded in dejection, watching the celebrations on the box, each clutching a sparkler in one hand and a drink in the other.

‘We are officially the saddest people on the planet,’ I muttered.

‘No, we are not!’ argued Stuart.

Over on the other couch, Trish burst into a faux-tragic rendition of ‘My Heart Must Go On’.

‘Okay, now we are,’ said Stu. ‘Right, Trish, one verse and a chorus and that’s it. My ears will start to bleed any minute.’

His voice got louder with every word as he endeavoured to be heard over the noise of poppers and whistles coming from next door. Even my neighbour Mrs Naismith was having a much wilder time than us, which, given that she was in her seventies, was taking the night to a whole new level of depression.

A wave of something suddenly consumed me. In hindsight it was probably several large glasses of Rosé Cava, but at that moment it absolutely felt like it was something real–something important. ‘I’m making a resolution,’ I announced.

‘Here we go…’ grinned Stuart, consulting his watch. ‘Two minutes, three seconds–that’s a record.’

I ignored him and spoke up so that I could be heard over the noise of Trish going down with the Titanic .

‘My dear saddo friends, this is it–this is the year I stop being unfulfilled, skint and single. I’m going to find the perfect job, the perfect man, the perfect life. Oh, and sex–I’m going to have bloody great sex!’

I stood up with a flourish and dramatically raised my glass to propose a toast…

‘Wow!’ spluttered Stu and Trish in perfect synchronisation.

I was gratified by the enthusiastic reactions from my audience.

‘I know,’ I continued, in the solemn, dignified manner of a politician announcing that he was running for prime minister, ‘it’s a huge challenge, but I’m determined.’

‘Leni, get out of the way of the telly! We weren’t wowing you, you daft cow–you’ve made that same speech every year since 1998. We were wowing at the poor bloke playing the bagpipes. A gust of wind just flicked up his kilt and he flashed the entire watching world.’

Trish had now ceased channelling Celine Dion and dissolved into a puddle of giggles. ‘And I don’t rate his chances of getting a date tonight.’

Stu automatically leapt to the defence of his fellow man. ‘Look, it’s cold out there–give the guy a break.’

I thumped back down on the couch just as Stu and Trish’s laughter escalated due to the antics of the demented presenter, who was now making the whole situation even more hilarious by trying to hold down the front of the undeniably cute piper’s kilt with a large microphone.

Fabulous–the announcement of my life-changing mission had been gazumped by an event that would feature on those TV’s Naughtiest Blunders until the end of time. Although…I suppose they did have a point. Yes, I had made similar resolutions before, but this time I absolutely, definitely meant it. I did. This was going to be the year that I changed my destiny, and the only way to do that would be to take chances, be bold, be fearless, and relentlessly look for opportunities everywhere. Starting right now.

I wondered if there was any chance of getting that piper’s number?

Four weeks later…

‘Leni, do you truly believe that the stars control your fate?’ asked the woman in front of me. The same woman that had positioned her desk according to the laws of feng shui, studied my feet, cleansed my chakras, and taken a snapshot of my aura. And that was just at our first meeting.