Louise Rennison - A Midsummer Tights Dream

Vaisey was smoothing her red curls as she came down the steps. She looked at me as she got her rucksack down and smiled a little shy smile. Oh, I had missed that turny up nose and freckles and that roundy waggly bottom (and the other bits in between) I ran over and hugged her to me, and then she hugged me and Ruby going “Oh, Lullah, Lullah and little Ruby!!”

And a tear came out of the corner of her eye. She was saying, “Oh, oh, oh.” And jumping up in little jumps. Jo was running round and round us in circles and Matilda was following her.

Flossie was last off. Blimey, I think she might have grown. Her fringe has. It is down to the middle of her glasses so that you can’t see if she’s got a forehead.

She gathered us all in a big bear hug. The comrades together again. A feast of talent! Our tights runneth over.

Flossie said, in a deep Texan accent, which is weird as she’s from Blackpool, “Why, y’all, here we damned are – the Tree Sisters and li’l old Ruby-Mae, back again at the old corral!!! This calls for a damn special celebration dance, let’s show these here people our rootin’ tootin’ dance. Come on, Lullah-Mae, we’ll do the tune.”

So I did it.

I did the thing that I can do.

My special talent.

I did my spontaneous Irish dancing.

And as I flung my legs around with gay abandon my thespian chums sang, “Hiddly diddly diddly diddle.”

That well-known Irish song that no one has ever heard of because it doesn’t exist.

Happy days.

I felt once more the golden slippers of applause.

Cain Hinchcliff will not be spoiling my life.

In fact, I will never be thinking about him again.

With his nose-licking ways.

Why would he do that? Why.

Bob the technician from Dother Hall was coming to pick the girls up in his Bobmobile, so we had time to swap news before he arrived. We went and sat on the wall next to The Blind Pig while Rubes went in for nourishing, warming winter snacks. It’s handy having a little pub friend.

Oooh, it’s good to be back. It had stopped hailing and we snuggled into our coats for a goss.

Vaisey is looking forward to seeing Jack again, her maybe boyfriend.

She said, “He gave me his plectrum to remind me of him.”

I said, “That’s plucky of him.”

And they all laughed. Which is nice. I felt all warmy. Even my knees. Rubes came back with the nourishing snacks – cheese and onion crisps, salt and vinegar crisps, two pickled eggs and some pork scratchings. It was like being in heaven.

Flossie said, “This is my plan for the term – I am going to become a superstar and have three or four boyfriends. I’ve grown my fringe especially.”

Jo was chomping through two packets of crisps at the same time, but managed to say, “I’ve had loads of letters and phone calls from Phil!! Loads. Every day. He told me about his campaign to let people know that he’s not all bad and that he has a serious side.”

We looked at her.

I said, “But he doesn’t have a serious side.”

Jo got a bit defensive. “He has, actually, he’s joining in with the police to help them… with the out-of-control yoof.”

I said, “He IS the out-of-control yoof.”

Flossie said, “Help the police? What, like an informer?”

Jo went red. “No, it’s a campaign. Make a policeman your friend. It’s to let the police know that teenage boys are people too.”

I said, “But that’s a lie, isn’t it? My brother isn’t a person.”

Flossie said, “I’m not being rude or anything, but what could Phil help the police with?”

Jo said, “Phil’s good at loads of things.”

We looked at her.

Jo said going even redder, “Well, he’s really excellent at… erm… kissing.”

I said, “That’s not what policemen like, is it though? They don’t like being kissed by teenage boys.”

Flossie said, “If he’s going around kissing policemen, he’s a dead man.”

As we chomped away, thinking about kissing policemen, three very big girls I had never seen before came lumbering up. They looked at us like we were snot girls, then they sat on the wall at the other side of The Blind Pig courtyard and started chewing gum.

Ruby said quietly, “Oh, bloody hell, it’s the other Bottomley sisters, Chastity, Diligence and Ecclesiastica.”

I started to laugh.

“Ecclesiastica? Does she get called Eccles for short?”

Ruby said, “No. Dun’t start, they’re bible names and they don’t think it’s funny. The Bottomleys dun’t think owt is funny, except fighting. In between bus driving, their mam does cage fighting in Leeds.”

Chas, Dil and Eccles, as I called them (quietly in my brain), were looking at us and then they lit up fags.

I whispered out of the corner of my mouth, “Are they going to get their pipes out next?”

One of them shouted across, “What are you stuck-up madams looking at?”

Oh dear.

Ruby said, “That’s Ecclesiastica, you’re lucky she’s in a good mood.”

Mr Barraclough came out of The Blind Pig and said to Ruby, “Rubes, say night-night to the thespians, it’s school tomorrow.”

The Bottomley sisters started laughing and going, “Oooooohhh, it’s SCHOOL t’morra. Say night-night.”

Mr Barraclough glanced at the Bottomley sisters and said, “Hello, ladies.” Then he turned to go off into the pub.

Ecclesiastica drew on her fag and said, “Ay up, grandad.”

Ruby sat down and said, “Oh, well, that’s done it.”

There was a bit of a quiet moment, then Mr Barraclough turned around and said to Ecclesiastica, “Is my wall comfortable enough for your enormous arse, dear? Or is it time you took it somewhere else?” And the other two sisters sniggered. Eccles went a sort of dull red colour but she didn’t move, she just kept looking at Mr Barraclough.

He said, “Well, I’ve tried to be nice, but I can see I will have to go the whole hog.”

Ruby said, “Dad. Not the…”

He looked at her sorrowfully. “I’m as sorry as you are, Ruby, but it has to be done.”

Ted went into the pub and came back a moment later with his Viking helmet on and a photograph. He came and showed it to us. It was the picture of him with a gun standing on a pile of pies. Underneath it said, Ted Barraclough, champion pie eater. 22 steak and kidney, 4 pork.

Then he walked across and showed it to the Bottomley sisters, and said to them, “Have some respect, girls. Thy father only ate ten pies and then had to go and have a bit of a lie down, so bog off somewhere else.”

The Bottomley sisters looked at him and then they got up and sloped off.

Ted went back into the pub singing, “I am the king of hell fire!!! PIES, I’m gonna teach you to burn. PIES, I’m gonna teach you to learn!!”

I went to bed happy after seeing the Tree Sisters. But I gave my nose a good scrub in case any of Cain’s molecules had got into it. And besides, I am sleeping on Alex’s letter and don’t want to besmirch it.

I woke up early the next day because it was like sleeping in a zoo.

Birds had been tweeting and carrying on in the trees outside my window practically since I’d gone to bed. How can anyone sleep in the country? I think some of the birds have got secret mouth organs. And drums. Like a really bad band rehearsing. A band of birds singing with no tune. Like those people in bygone days, who wore black polo-necks and played jazz that had no tune. Beatniks they were called. I think my dad was one. Hey, perhaps the birds are… beakniks!!!

Not Beatniks but BEAK-niks.