Louise Rennison - Withering Tights

the misadventures of Tallulah Casey

To all the Yorkshire heroes and hero-esses, the Cock and family,Leeds United past and present, Mum, Dad, sister, all cousinsand second cousins forty-times removed, nieces, grandparents,great-grandparents (with particular thanks for the hiddly diddlydiddly), Big Fat Bobbins and the Wilsons (particularly Mae,Queen of the tripe stall), Kaiser Chiefs. And of course to theinventors of Withering Tights, Em, Chazza and Anne Brontëxxxxxxxx

Special thanks to Clare, Gillon, Cassie and all the other big palsat Aitken Alexander. I promise I am going home now. Deepestlove and gratitude to Gillie – my editor – I also promise I amgoing home now. And to Lizzie – my editor – I am, I am reallygoing home now.

Title Page Withering Tights Louise Rennison the misadventures of Tallulah Casey

Dedication Dedication Dedication CHAPTER 1 On the showbiz express CHAPTER 2 Summer of Love CHAPTER 3 Your feet will bleed CHAPTER 4 I don’t think I can go a whole thummer without boyth CHAPTER 5 Into the bosoms of the Dother ship CHAPTER 6 Out of control yoof CHAPTER 7 He had everything a dream boy should have CHAPTER 8 I’m not an Irish dancing broom CHAPTER 9 I want to live! I want to live! CHAPTER 10 Lying in my squirrel room CHAPTER 11 Night of the Vampire Bats CHAPTER 12 Whooo-hoo-oooo CHAPTER 13 “Just call me Fox. Blaise Fox.” CHAPTER 14 Dance of the Sugar Plum Bikey CHAPTER 15 He’s like a wild animal CHAPTER 16 Heathcliff, it’s me CHAPTER 17 “Get your ears on, dudes!” CHAPTER 18 It was time to grow into my knees CHAPTER 19 Withering Tights Copyright About the Publisher To all the Yorkshire heroes and hero-esses, the Cock and family,Leeds United past and present, Mum, Dad, sister, all cousinsand second cousins forty-times removed, nieces, grandparents,great-grandparents (with particular thanks for the hiddly diddlydiddly), Big Fat Bobbins and the Wilsons (particularly Mae,Queen of the tripe stall), Kaiser Chiefs. And of course to theinventors of Withering Tights, Em, Chazza and Anne Brontëxxxxxxxx Special thanks to Clare, Gillon, Cassie and all the other big palsat Aitken Alexander. I promise I am going home now. Deepestlove and gratitude to Gillie – my editor – I also promise I amgoing home now. And to Lizzie – my editor – I am, I am reallygoing home now.

CHAPTER 1 On the showbiz express

CHAPTER 2 Summer of Love

CHAPTER 3 Your feet will bleed

CHAPTER 4 I don’t think I can go a whole thummer without boyth

CHAPTER 5 Into the bosoms of the Dother ship

CHAPTER 6 Out of control yoof

CHAPTER 7 He had everything a dream boy should have

CHAPTER 8 I’m not an Irish dancing broom

CHAPTER 9 I want to live! I want to live!

CHAPTER 10 Lying in my squirrel room

CHAPTER 11 Night of the Vampire Bats

CHAPTER 12 Whooo-hoo-oooo

CHAPTER 13 “Just call me Fox. Blaise Fox.”

CHAPTER 14 Dance of the Sugar Plum Bikey

CHAPTER 15 He’s like a wild animal

CHAPTER 16 Heathcliff, it’s me

CHAPTER 17 “Get your ears on, dudes!”

CHAPTER 18 It was time to grow into my knees

CHAPTER 19 Withering Tights

Copyright

About the Publisher

I’ve come to Yorkshire by mistakeChugging towards Dother Hall

Wow. This is it. This is me growing up. On my own, going to Performing Arts College. This is goodbye Tallulah, you long, gangly thing and helloooooo Lullah, star of stage and…owwwwooo. Ow and ow.

The train lurched and I’ve nearly knocked myself out on the side of the door. I’m bound to get a massive lump. Oh good, I can start college with two heads…

In my brochure it has a picture of a big manor house and on the front it says:

Dother Hall, world-renowned for its excellence in the Arts. This magnificent centre of artistry is set amongst the beautiful Yorkshire Dales. With its friendly northern folk offering a warm welcome to visitors, think Wuthering Heights but with less moaning!

I’ve been looking over the top of my brochure at the bloke opposite. He is the grumpiest man in the universe probably.

He’s got no hair on his head, but he has loads of red hair shooting out of his ears. Like there are a couple of red squirrels nesting in there. Which would be quite good actually, as they are an endangered species.

His wife said to him, “Oooh look, Fred, the sun’s coming out.”

And he said, “It can please its bloody self.”

Is this what Yorkshire folk are like?

I wonder if anyone is missing me at home?

I wonder if they are saying, “Where is Tallulah?”

I think I know the answer to that question, and it is, “Who?”

Connor will just move into my bedroom and make it smelly and then leave.

It will be next week before my grandma notices that my egg-cup hasn’t been used. When I tried to explain to her that I was going to performing arts college in Yorkshire for the summer, she said, “Will you bring a trifle back?”

Maybe she thought I said I was going to Marks and Spencers for the summer.

Mum didn’t comment because as usual she wasn’t there. She’s gone to Norway to paint.

Not people’s houses. She’s doing her art.

When I stayed over with cousin Georgia, I asked her what sort of painting the Norwegians did and she said, “It’s mostly sledges.”

I thought she meant they painted sledges a lot, but she said, “No, my not-so-little cousy, they paint WITH sledges.”

She said the official term for that kind of work was ‘Sled-werk’, and that it was one of the reasons why Norwegians had such big arms and had therefore become Vikings (for the rowing). And that if I dropped ‘Sled-werk’ into a conversation at art college, people would be impressed and not notice my knees…

Georgia knows a lot of stuff. Not just about painting, but about life. And boys. She wears a bra. It’s a big one. She showed me her special disco inferno dancing and her lady bumps were jiggling quite a lot.

I wish I wore a bra. And jiggled.

It’s so boring being fourteen and a half.

She’s nice to me, but I know she thinks I’m just a kid.

When I left she gave me her ‘special’ comedy moustache. She’s grown out of it and thought it would suit me. She said, “Always remember, Lullah, if in doubt, get your moustache out.”

I do love Georgia and wish I lived near her. I haven’t got a sister and it’s not the same having a brother. Connor mostly likes to talk about what he’s going to kick next.

And that I am like a daddy long-legs in a skirt.