David Brown: Dealing with Difficult People

• Mutual respect.Above all, you need to respect each other before you can hope to work effectively together. You don’t need to like each other, but you do need to establish a basis of mutual respect before difficult transactions.

Keep asking: are you on the same wavelength as others?

debated what to do with a ‘three four’ and a ‘double six’. It took 30 minutes before one of our team asked the question, “What’s a double six?” He was Korean, and none of us had bothered to think about his culture or to check his understanding of our language!

Unless they are helping to shape it, people usually resist change. Sometimes this is because they resent a new situation being ‘sold’ to them, and sometimes it is because of what they think they will lose or leave behind. Good management can ease the transition.

When helping organizations manage change, I seek to show people that change is inevitable because of the way that the world around us is changing – standing still is not an option. Changes around any business demand changes within that business for it to survive.

With individuals, though, it is difficult for most of us to change our behaviour – even when we want to in order to lose weight, for example, or give up smoking. Most of us have an inbuilt resistance to change, and, in busines, this often results in a serious drop in performance. This is summed up in a well-known model called the Change Curve. However, this dip in performance and the duration of the ‘curve’ can be lessened through good management. Remember, change is not

case studyI was involved in a takeover that resulted in strike action before the two companies joined forces. Staff in one of the businesses were afraid of the merger because their business had been performing badly.

“Change is the only certainty in life”

Henry A. Wallace, US Vice President 1941-5

only about where people are going: it’s what people think they are losing that leads to the most resistance. So to manage transition successfully, you and your organization should do the following:

• Share your vision.Communicate on a regular basis about where you are going and why. Start with the end in mind.

• Respect the past.Don’t expect people to leap from the present straight to your version of the future. Check that people understand what is being asked of them; that they are ready to move; that they are capable of making the change; that progress can be monitored and the right support given.

• Consult people.Involve them in what you seek to do.

• Show people what’s in it for them.Appeal to their emotions as much as their logic.

• Check for ‘buy in’.Where are people on the Change Curve? Seek out negative feelings behind any negative action.

• Pull together.Agree realistic SMART targets (see Secret 5.3).

• The Six ‘R’s.Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce. Review, review, review.

If you are to bring about successful change, study the change process.

They were, in fact, highly regarded by the incoming management team, but were unaware of this as insufficient information had been shared with them. The steps outlined above would have avoided the problem.

Behaving assertively is crucial for good interpersonal relationships. We need to understand the term, though, in respect of three contrasting types of behaviour: aggressive, passive and assertive.

1 Aggressive behaviour (I win/you lose).Driven by a self-centred attitude, whereby their needs and rights are always paramount. Outward signs include a harsh, loud voice, interrupting others and aggressive body language. It could be caused by fear, insecurity or ambition. Aggressive people may get what they want in the short term, but in the long run alienate themselves and are often rejected as too difficult.

2 Passive behaviour (I lose/you win).Driven by a sense that their rights and needs are less important than other people’s. Outward signs include quietness, hesitancy and nervous body movements. Shyness, a lack of confidence or ambition, or a strong sense of team can prompt this. They may get what they want by manipulating those around them (they get others to do the tricky bits), but in the short term do not seem to achieve.

one minute wonderAsk someone you trust for feedback as to whether you behave in an aggressive, submissive or assertive manner.

3 Assertive behaviour (I win/you win).Assertive behaviour is what you need to get results through people. Difficult people melt away if your approach is, “I recognize that you have needs and rights. I too have needs. I respect you, and I require reciprocal respect from you.”

A balanced individual will display assertive behaviour most of the time. To avoid slipping into passive or aggressive behaviour:

• Define your goals.Decide where you are going.

• Help others to express their views.Question their thinking.

• Listen to others.Check what you’ve heard them say to make sure your understanding is correct before you respond.

• Have a clear contract with them.This is about give and take and mutual respect (this won’t necessarily mean 50/50 with your boss!).

• Share feelings.Have both of you share your feelings with one another as well as the facts.

• Spell out clearly what you mean.Be straightforward. Explain the consequences of their action.

• Say no when you must, and explain why.If remedial action is called for, do it sooner rather than later. Sooner is easier!

• Accept that other people have a right to say no.Understand why they are saying no. This could be a deep-rooted cultural question.

• Be positive.Use positive words and body language (Secret 6.4).

Be assertive yourself and encourage the same behaviour in others.

It is very easy to make superficial judgements about what to do with difficult people. But this can cause us to miss the root cause of the discord. Look at the details and consider each case individually.

Difficult people will take up a disproportionate amount of your time, so it is in your interests to invest time to get to the bottom of why they behave as they do. Suppose you feel that someone is a bully. You could try facing up to them, because, when confronted, bullies often do back down. That’s the superficial approach, though, and the case study below invites you to look under the skin of the difficult person before deciding on your strategy for dealing with them.

case studyYou need to be aware that someone could be difficult because of physical or mental health problems. It’s not your job to solve their problems, but it is your responsibility to be on the lookout for such contributory factors. An MD asked me to help design a performance management system. One of the issues that surfaced was that the Sales Director was seen to

Language discord

Another approach to understanding discord involves realizing that we have preferences regarding our thought processes and language. There are three different ways in which we show our language preferences:

• Visual.The visual type will say, “I see what you mean”, “Let’s look at this one more time” or “It’s quite clear to me”.