David Brown: Dealing with Difficult People

When problem-solving you need first to define the problem and then form a clear view of what a good solution, or outcome, will look like. If we are to manage difficult people successfully, we need to be clear about what we mean by the term ‘difficult’.

People don’t normally turn up for work determined to be difficult. People that you find ‘difficult’ are only difficult because they are different to you, or disagree with you, or behave in a fashion that you or your colleagues find unacceptable. Being difficult takes many forms and is a matter of perception. You will have your own criteria for what makes people difficult, but here are a few examples:

case studyI worked for five years with someone who was forever pushing, shaping and driving his own agenda. He constantly interrupted colleagues in midsentence. Everyone who worked with him thought him difficult, but he was a significant factor in our team’s success. My feedback, aimed at changing his behaviour,

• Perfectionists.If you want a quick result, perfectionists can be infuriating. If you are the perfectionist, you will irritate those who think that good enough is okay and makes economic sense.

• Control freaks.These types will annoy you by interfering when you want to be left alone to do things your way.

• Creative people.They are a must if ideas are an essential part of moving forward but can be painful when you just want to get on with delivering a simple result.

• Shapers.They drive the action (see Secret 5.8) and are vital in a successful team, but they take over as and when they see fit.

• Aggressive or defensive people.Few people welcome aggression in business. People who are always on the defensive present problems as well. We need assertive people (see Secret 1.5).

• Submissive people.This kind of behaviour can be caused by many things, including childhood experiences and feeling threatened. Their lack of confidence and fear of failure can be frustrating.

The examples above are caused by a host of different things, and that makes all of us different. Potentially, that makes all of us difficult in some people’s eyes. We need to understand enough about ourselves and others to recognize what we can reasonably expect to change and what we should find a way of living with.

Understand that everyone behaves differently to you.

had no effect whatsoever. One day we did a Belbin analysis (Secret 5.8) and he registered the most extreme shaper score that I have ever seen. I then concluded that this was so much a part of his personality that we needed to move him out of our team or accept him for what he was. We chose to live with him.

‘Difficult’ might just mean ‘different’. This Secret will help you understand different people, so that you can accept some differences before deciding what is unacceptable and needs changing. So what causes all of us to be different?

• Values.You may value punctuality but have a colleague who considers that any time will do. Many organizations promote key values to engender harmony, but an individualist may struggle to accept them.

• Beliefs.Different political, cultural and religious beliefs can limit our ability to work with others.

• Gender.Although some women are more aggressive than some men, on the whole women are inclined to be more empathetic than men, to value security more and to put greater emphasis on teamwork.

case studyRecently I managed a project where one member of the team would say things like, “that could backfire on you” or “that won’t work”. Her glass was ‘half empty’, as it were. Another team member would regularly say, “it’s worth a try”. There was no right or

• Personality.Our personalities are a complex web of background, culture, beliefs, values, genes and more besides. Some combine well and productively, some abrasively yet still productively, while others are unmitigated disasters. We need to accept, though, that mankind thrives because of our differences – we need to use difference, not stifle it.

Before leaving the question of differences, consider NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) filters. We all see the world through different filters, and if you understand this you will be well placed to manage the differences through better communication. Our different filters include:

• Internal/external.If you ask an ‘internal’ person, “How will you know you have succeeded?”, they will say, “I’ll just know”. Whereas the ‘external’ person will say, “I’ll know from the feedback I get”.

• Towards/away from.A ‘towards’ person will take risks. An ‘away’ person will see problems.

• Same/difference.A ‘same’ person will refer to what they’ve always done: “it’s like I did last month”. Whereas the ‘difference’ person will say, “let’s try a new approach”. The latter will need variety; the former may be reluctant to change.

• Problems/solutions.Some people always see the problem, while others focus on the solution.

Welcome the differences around you, and only see them as a problem when they are a barrier to results.

wrong – just healthy differences that were part of a successful project. If you want to get the best from a ‘half empty’ person, you need to match their language and make references to ‘half empty’ things, even if you are inclined to be ‘half full’ yourself.

One-way communication is a closed system. It is limiting and leads to frustration. This Secret explains how to ensure that communication is two-way, constructive and likely to promote good relationships.

When I was struggling to understand why someone failed to respond to one of my memos, one of my colleagues said, “David, it’s no good you being pleased with your communication. Your message is only okay if it produces the results that you require.” He went on to explain that the recipient’s perception of the message is every bit as important as your message. It has to be a two-way thing. Here are a few suggestions that will help you to be on the same wavelength as someone with whom you are working.

case studyHere’s a lesson I learnt about always making sure that your language is correctly understood by all concerned. As a young man I went on a course where we played management games. One involved creating patterns from dominoes. We

• Accept that their perception is reality to them.The challenge is to understand them and their situation well enough to find common ground. This means taking time to understand the belief systems and values that others hold.

• Know yourself.You need to be clear about your own beliefs, and when they might prevent you from taking on board a good idea. There is a constant need to be open-minded to fresh ideas.

• Be aware of other ways of thinking.There are plenty of other filters besides those mentioned in the last Secret; some people talk detail, others look at the big picture; some like choices and some like a rigid system; some people are mainly reactive and others proactive. To increase rapport you should be prepared to enter another person’s world. If you are a strategic thinker, for example, take time to explore detail with those who relish the minutiae.

• Talk their language, paint them a picture.Appreciate that, if someone prefers to visualize rather than verbalize, you’ll need to use language that they might use, such as, “This is what it will look like.”