Lydia Davies - Raw - The diary of an anorexic

My blog post

Something I wrote in my phone, probably at 5.40 a.m., one time:

The worst thing is having to think about it and talk about it all the time. Having fun, being creative, listening to inspiring people and watching inspiring films can take me away. Drawing, ink, outfits, glamour, ideas, aspirations are a saviour. Confidence, influence and inspiration are key words. Nothing is safe but everything is amazing. Creativity and drive will save me. Excitement and networking and listening to and hearing other people.

The only way in which I was able to warm up my permanently icy body was by sitting in a bath full of boiling water. I would run it as deep as I could before the water started to get cold. Actually, getting in was horrendous, as it meant taking off all of my clothes and being unbearably cold for some long seconds. I would lower myself in slowly until my sharp tailbone clunked against the bottom of the tub. It was absolute agony to sit. I would lie back, my spine cracking against the surface. Sometimes I would exhale all of the air in my lungs and lie completely under the water, just to see what it might feel like to not be in the world any more. I would imagine drowning and only bring myself back up when I had to. I would look down at my purple knees, and would examine my skeleton of a body. Sometimes I would stroke the layer of fur that was developing on my arms, and wonder whether I HAD taken things too far, and even be a little scared. Thoughts like this never lasted more than a few seconds, as they quickly disappeared behind the mist of the voice congratulating me for achieving skinny. Getting out of the bath was dreadful. Being soaking wet and THAT cold was excruciating. I would dart to my bedroom down the hall and blast the hairdryer over my transparent skin in a desperate attempt to heat myself again.

Another thing I did a lot around this time was sit on benches. I would just walk around completely dazed and sit on benches anywhere by myself, and not think. I would be completely blank and glazed over, but horrendously lonely, cold and depressed at the same time. I remember sitting on a bench in town outside a church for several hours once. I was completely numb, and feeling nothing, till I felt a tear slide down my face, and then another, and then another. I didn’t move, I just sat there, blinking terrified tears, but feeling powerless to them. I felt like I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to and nothing to say anyway. I ended up going into the church, and sitting talking to myself, and maybe God. I had no idea what to do with myself. I was so, so sad.

From the Eating Disorder Service, NHS

Dear Miss Davies,

We have received a referral from Dr ****** *******, Consultant Psychiatrist, at the Eating Disorder Service in Newcastle. As confirmed on the phone this morning, I am writing with the following triage assessment appointment:

Monday 12 December 2011 at 9 a.m.

With ******* ****, Senior Dietitian

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about the appointment.

Yours sincerely,

****** ****

Medical Secretary

On behalf of the Eating Disorder Service

After my diagnosis I was in complete denial. I was so detached from reality that I could not differentiate between dreams and real-life events. I was clueless as to which was which.

A note left for my mum

hi MUM

I have had such a positive day for myself today. I enjoyed most of the falafel starters + stuff.

Then had a good SLOW supper INCLUDING carbs! + a second bit (small + early so don’t worry) of spag bol.

I look forward to all the fun stuff we can do together when I am better.

I love u very much + see you tomorrow.

Lydia xo

From this point on I used my phone notes religiously to record my thoughts and feelings, as well as many crazy ideas and dreams that I had. I felt enlightened. I was running on a mixture of adrenalin, starvation and nervous energy. Combined, these fuels made me feel alert, invincible, powerful and generally wired. I felt euphoric, as though I could achieve anything I wanted, and that I had the power to defy nature and survive on nothing. I wasn’t like any other person around me; I had some special force within, to stay completely in control of my body. To me, everyone else seemed so bland, so conforming to the ideas of society. They woke up, ate, got on with their day-to-day tasks. I was always awake, never ate and had a mind spilling with important epiphanies, a special knowledge and outlook on life that no one else could even imagine. I did not need anything, sometimes not even water. I did not need people telling me I was sick. How did I know THEY weren’t all sick? I was above all these people, floating in clouds and sparkles, on edge constantly, a beautiful nervousness and buzzing feeling that I could not describe.

My blog post

Been looking at loads of inspiring stuff recently to keep myself on the right track:

- an old woman’s M&S jacket that I ordered

- Bob Marley lyrics

- Thin by Grace Bowman

- the desire to pursue and achieve my goals

That book, Thin , is more comforting than I can possibly describe. Once I have finished reading it I will review it on here. (But I would already recommend it to anyone and everyone as it really gives such an honest and true account and deep insight of what this illness is like. It is the most accurate explanation and portrayal of the thoughts and ways it all works that I have come across … It’s mad to read.)

But more inspiring than anything is the love and support I have received and am continuing to receive from my absolutely incredible family and friends. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am for the people I have around me. I feel so lucky for being a part of my family, as each and every one of them is just amazing. Their support inspires me. As does the support of my friends. Seeing some of the best the other night; although it was briefer than I would have liked, it inspired me and helped me gain further determination. I am eternally grateful for these people! XXO

My blog post

Christmas Day

Woke up pure early, as per.

Did stockings in Mum and Dad’s bed like babies.

Prepared carrots and sprouts like good daughter.

Drove to see the rest of the family in London. All of my dad’s side of the family were there so it was quite a big one. We drank champagne and had high spirits. It was really nice for everyone to be there actually, as that’s a fairly rare happening (especially as family live out in Cuba as well).

Then there was the lunch. A 20lb turkey (which still looked huuuuuge by the end of the meal; they will be munching turkey for weeks!). I feasted on my own lunch but developed a taste for parsnips and decided they are genuinely amazing. Felt like a bit of a turning point actually. Very positive.

Nap time/phone call time.

Present time – some money, which I plan to spend on some kind of magazine subscription … (otherwise I will just waste it on unnecessary items).

Drink more champagne and wine/be exhausted/want to get home/hurry up, Mum.

Home and MULLED WINE. Too much mulled wine actually, but it’s so divine.

SO. In conclusion I had an amazing Christmas this year. I look forward to next year when I can maybe skip the nap part, and enjoy and indulge on even more parsnips – and perhaps other items too. Everybody overdoes it on Christmas Day. So it made me feel a lot better … everyone should be and is allowed to do so. Accepting that it’s not wrong to indulge sometimes was a pretty powerful thought, I reckon. I hope everyone else had very neat Christmases and enjoyed their presents and parsnips as much as I did.