Lydia Davies - Raw

The diary of an anorexic

Lydia Davies

Certain names in this book have been omitted to protect the privacy of those involved.

HarperTrueLife

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers

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London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperTrueLife 2015

FIRST EDITION

Text © Lydia Davies 2015

Cover photo © Shutterstock

Cover layout © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2015

A catalogue record of this book isavailable from the British Library

Lydia Davies asserts the moral right to

be identified as the author of this work

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Ebook Edition © March 2015 ISBN: 9780008118167

Version 2015-03-20

Digital eFirst: Automatically produced by Atomik ePublisher from Easypress.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

10 March 2014

2011

19 October 2011

6 November 2011

18 November 2011

4 December 2011

4 December 2011

9 December 2011

15 December 2011

21 December 2011

28 December 2011

29 December 2011

30 December 2011

2012

2 January 2012

6 January 2012

14 January 2012

17 January 2012

18 January 2012

18 January 2012

18 January 2012

20 January 2012

21 January 2012

21 January 2012

21 January 2012

24 January 2012

27 January 2012

29 January 2012

29 January 2012

30 January 2012

31 January 2012

1 February 2012

9 February 2012

25 February 2012

27 February 2012

27 February 2012

16 March 2012

16 March 2012

7 April 2012

12 April 2012

14 April 2012

15 April 2012

16 April 2012

17 April 2012

20 April 2012

4 May 2012

10 May 2012

13 May 2012

21 May 2012

21 May 2012

21 May 2012

23 May 2012

25 May 2012

28 May 2012

1 June 2012

1 June 2012

31 July 2012

3 August 2012

8 September 2012

14 September 2012

18 September 2012

9 October 2012

30 October 2012

2 November 2012

24 December 2012

30 December 2012

2013

3 January 2013

10 January 2013

11 January 2013

18 January 2013

29 January 2013

11 February 2013

17 February 2013

22 February 2013

27 February 2013

28 March 2013

18 April 2013

25 April 2013

29 April 2013

29 April 2013

5 May 2013

26 May 2013

10 March 2014

Why not try …

Why not try …

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About the Publisher

At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Through this illness, I lost so much more than just an excessive amount of weight. I was ripped away from the life I had created at university in Newcastle, thus taking away my degree, two and a half years’ worth of work, my freedom, friends, boyfriend and independence. I was transported back to the life a child lives, being nursed, cared for and catered to by my incredible family. Every sense of normality in life that I knew was gone, and so was my sanity.

The pages that follow are a raw record of the unexpected journey I found myself on. Along with original letters from my doctors, I have included letters to and from family members and friends, messages of support and encouragement from loads of amazing people when I was really struggling, posts from my blog which I wrote throughout my attempts at recovery, personal notes from my phone and suicide notes that I wrote in desperate times.

The first letter from my mother is, I now realise, the starting point of when my secret (which I didn’t know I had) was out. I was in complete denial, and absolutely oblivious to the fact that I was anorexic. To be looked in the eye and told by a medical professional that you are going to die should be one of the most terrifying moments imaginable. When I was told this on three separate occasions, not once did it hit me. I was so far away in a separate realm to reality that my concept of everything was gone.

Two years on, what happened to me is still extremely raw, and it consumes a large space of my mind, dominating most of my memories. Through recovery I developed bulimia nervosa, attempted suicide on more occasions than I would like to mention, have been at my absolute lowest mentally and physically, and ripped my family’s hearts out.

This chronological map of words and documents may help people to understand the damaged and delicate mind of a sufferer. I want people to be informed about what it is really like to get pulled down so deep into the dangerous world of disordered eating, and I want other sufferers to feel comfort, and perhaps gain courage from this open book of my most personal secrets.

It was on the nineteenth of October 2011 that I received a letter from my mother via email, which cut through my heart like a knife. My stomach dropped and I burst into tears as I read it. I had been completely emotionless and glassy-eyed for some time up until this point.

A letter from my mum

Dear Lydia,

From the moment you were born I loved you with all my heart and that love has only deepened with time. You are beautiful, smart, funny, kind, loyal, caring … (and many more good things). You have so much going for you: loyal friends who love you, a lovely boyfriend, a family who loves you (you mean the world to all of us). You have a great living situation this year and you seem to be getting stuck into work in a more positive way than last year or the year before. It is lovely hearing you sound positive and excited about the future, thinking of Paris, styling, travelling, etc.

You were brave in seeking help for feelings of depression in the summer and while the positive effects of the treatment are clear to see, it will be natural to have ups and downs – everyone does; but keeping on with the counselling will, as you know, help you to deal with negative thoughts.

I have written hundreds of letters to you in my head when I can’t sleep for worrying about you, and I thought that I would try to write some of my worries down, because I can’t store all this up in my head for much longer.

Although you seem to be feeling a bit happier, you are continuing to get thinner and thinner. Everyone can see that you have an eating disorder and that you need help to get better – except you can’t see it. It is not your fault and you probably can’t help it – that is what this illness is like. If you can’t see how frighteningly thin you have become, then think about how you feel. Cold? Tired? Aching body? Low energy? etc. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You don’t have to. This flu and its complications are not surprising. Your defences will not be able to fight off germs as your immune system has been compromised. You used to read a lot of stuff about illnesses that you thought you might have. Well, now that you have this, I wonder if you have looked up any information about it. There are some useful websites, e.g.