Louise Rennison - ‘Knocked out by my nunga-nungas.’

Mutti came into my bedroom to get Libby out of my wardrobe. She’s made a sort of nest in there which she says is a “wee-wee house” – I think she means treehouse.

Over the shouting and biting I said to Mutti, “Do you think you could ask Dad if you and he could club together to let me have some money for breast reduction surgery?”

It took her about a year to stop laughing.

It’s pointless asking for money. I can’t get a fiver out of Dad for some decent lip gloss. He would never give me the money. Even if my breasts were so big that I had to have two servants called Carlos and Juan to carry them around for me.

The postman came this morning. He didn’t have any post; he just said, “Good morning to you. Welcome to Scotland.” He was quite groovy-looking.

Oh, Blimey O’Reilley’s pantaloons, I think I have got general snoggosity syndrome.

James followed me around all day, waiting for an opportunity to “accidentally” touch me. I have tried hanging around with Mutti and Vati but it is too sad.

Oh, Robbie, where are you now? Rescue me from the Valley of the Loons.

How soon can I get them to set off for home tomorrow? If we set off at dawn we could be back in Normal Land by about four p.m.

I wonder if the Ace Gang might arrange a surprise welcome home party for me? It’s half term now so I am no longer an ostracised leper on my own. So ha-di-ha-ha. She who laughs the last laughs, erm, a lot. Slim thought she was banning me for a week but she was banning me for two weeks!!!

In “my” bed, with usual crowd. Libby and the entire contents of her travelling toybox: scuba-diving Barbie, one-eyed Teddy, Pantalitzer, Panda the Punk (Libby shaved his head). The only difference is that to celebrate our holiday in Tartan-a-gogo Libby has replaced Charlie Horse with Jimmy. Jimmy is a haggis with a scarf on. Don’t even ask. Libby made him this afternoon and she “lobes” him.

I am sleeping in a bed with a stuffed sheep’s stomach. With a scarf on.

Up and packed. I tried to get Mutti and Vati to get up and make an early start but when I went into their bedroom Vati threw his slipper at me.

At last! Escape!!!! Soon I will be back in the arms of my Sex God. At last, at last. Thank the Lord!!! I love you, Jesus, really really I do. Uncle Eddie, James and Grandad drove off in the Loonmobile. Uncle Eddie was wearing his souvenir bagpipe hat but I didn’t care. They were goney gone gone. Hurrah hurrah!!! With a bit of luck I can avoid them for the rest of my life. Arrow looked all mournfully at Angus when we left. He will miss his furry partner in crime. Angus and Arrow, Los Dos Amigos Bonkeros. Angus didn’t even look back; he just shot into the car and started wrestling with the car rug.

Meanwhile in my fabulous life, another eighty-five years of my parents’ company in the car home.

Libby has insisted on bringing Jimmy the haggis home with us.

Oh good grief. Angus ate half of Jimmy when Libby had to be taken to the piddly-diddly department at the service station.

She went balIisticisimus when she found out. She hit Angus over the head with scuba-diving Barbie. I don’t think he even noticed – well, he didn’t stop purring. I nodded off for the whole of the Midlands because Dad started telling us about his hopes for the future. When I woke up I noticed that both Libby and Angus were nibbling away at Jimmy.

They are disgusting.

I sooooo hope that Robbie rings when I get home.

Home!!!! Oh thank you, thank you, Baby Jesus. I am SOOOO happy. I will never complain about my dear little home again.

God it’s so boring here. Nothing is happening.

No phone calls.

All my so-called mates forgot to remember that I am not dead. Don’t they even wonder where I have been for the last five days?

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